by Andy Paschen
All Cubs and Cubs related players are done with the first round, so let’s find out who came up smelling like roses and who stunk like a stale fart after a Chipotle dinner.
Hung-Wen Chen, Chinese Taipei – RHP
Smells like: Things that have no smell.
Mr. Chen didn’t throw a pitch, which should be considered a good thing. He can say his fingerprints aren’t on the train wreck that was Chinese Taipei’s WBC appearance: 9-0 loss to Korea and a 4-1 loss to China. Just to rub some salt in the wound, both of the teams they lost to got absolutely obliterated in their next game, with Korea losing 14-2 to Japan and China losing 14-0 to Korea.
Kosuke Fukudome, Japan – OF
Smells like: A faint, rosy smell.
Fukudome went 2-7 (.286) with four walks and two runs. He had a very Fukudom-ish game against China by failing to record a single official at-bat, taking four walks and scoring a run instead.
Corey Koskie, Canada – 3B
Smells like: Deep space.
Koskie recorded the Cubs second DNP in the WBC. DNP in the WBC: sounds like a Naughty by Nature song.
Ted Lilly, USA – LHP
Smells like: A quick shower: good, not great.
Lily started one game for America. His line: 3 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 2 K. The only blemish? The Venezuelan catcher and ex-Cub Henry Blanco’s solo shot. in their final round one game. I’ll say this right now: Henry Blanco > Paul Bako. That move made zero sense. Soto raved about how much he learned from Blanco, so of course the natural reaction is to dump a guy whose impact on the salary cap is as noticeable as the NHL on “Sportscenter.”
Alex Maestri, Italy – RHP
Smells like: Italian Roses.
Maestri pitched 2.2 innings and gave up no hits and three walks while striking out a pair. A strong performance, especially when you take into account that one of his teammates finished with an 81 ERA and another’s went Buzz Lightyear on him, infinity and beyond. Sadly, the Italians will have to take their cannoli somewhere else, they were booted from the WBC with two losses to Venezuela.
Carlos Marmol, Dominican Republic – RHP
Smells like: A big ol’ bag of poop.
Marmol pretty much imploded in the must-win, elimination game against the powerhouse that is the Netherlands baseball team surrendering two runs (one earned) in .2 of an inning and got saddled with loss, a loss that kindly asked the DR to get the hell out of Dodge. In fact, Marmol was the only Dominican pitcher to give up an earned run. Hey Carlos, Billy Madison is on the phone, he wanted me to tell you: “YOU BLEW IT!”
Vince Perkins, Canada – RHP
Smells like: A colostomy bag of someone who likes spicy food.
Wonder why the Canadians got sent home in the elimination game by the pathetic Azzuri? Because Vince Perkins gave up 3 R (2 ER) in 2 IP in his only start. Nothing like having a 9.00 ERA after going to battle against the likes of fearsome hitters such as Davide Dallospedale and Chris Denorfia. Back to obscurity you go Vince.
Geovany Soto, Puerto Rico – C
Smells like: A bed of roses accented by erotic candles.
Soto went 3-8 (.375) with 2 RBI and 2 BB to help take Pool D for America’s adopted child, Puerto Rico. Suck it, Yadier Molina.
Just for funsies, of the games set for the next round at this time, I see the incredible run of the Netherlands continue by eeking out a win over Venezuela and Puerto Rico to lay the smacketh down on the US of A.
The whirlwindmill ride of the Dutch isn’t ending anytime soon, so hit that bong and enjoy it.