Reds’ Race for Fifth Down to Two

By Danny Mehigan

With almost every player back from the World Baseball Classic, the Reds trotted out most of their Opening Day lineup on Tuesday. Only missing was catcher Ramón Hernández, who is still doing Venezuelan things with his friends. The starter on the hill was Aaron Harang, who needs to improve about 394% on his 2008 performance if he doesn’t want to win another Anti-Cy Young award (unofficially, of course).

Including Harang, manager Dusty Baker is pretty set with his crew, including four starting pitchers with whom he feels quite comfortable. However, in this time where pitchers need to be coddled and babied anytime they throw more than 75 pitches every five days, the club still needs to settle on a fifth starter. And then there were two.

To the tale of the tape!

Homer Bailey (top) vs Micah Owings

Let’s compare these two tossers in the best way possible, bringing together meaningful baseball statistics and other useless crap to determine Cincy’s true fifth starter!


Would you rather have your pitcher named Homer – you know, the exact opposite of what he’s supposed to do, or Micah – which I believe is a name only for the Amish guys that make the fireplaces in infomercials?

Slight advantage: Owings.

Bailey hails from La Grange, Texas and Owings is from Cumming, Georgia. Make a decision, La Grange. Are you Spanish or English? You can’t have both. Especially when compared to an immature and hilariously pornographic name like Cumming, the confused city in Texas has no place in this argument.

Big advantage: Owings (and all residents of Cumming).

In 2008, neither of these guys were any good. Bailey was 0-6 with a 7.93 ERA and Owings was 6-9 with a 5.93 ERA. Yet, for their careers, Bailey is a .190 hitter with no homers and just two RBI. Owings, on the other hand, hits .319 and has five home runs and 21 RBI. If they’re going to give up so many runs, at least Owings can make up for some of it by hitting his own dingers. So then you lose like 9-4, rather than 9-0.

Advantage: Owings.


Both of these guys have a nice badass claim to fame, as Bailey was named National High School Player of the Year and Owings is second in US high school history with 69 home runs as a hitter. Even though Owings is a mere second and Bailey was the best in the land, always remember that chicks dig the long ball.

Advantage: Owings.

In conclusion, this isn’t the conundrum Dusty makes it up to be. It’s obvious that all signs point to Micah Owings as your fifth Reds starter in 2009. Congrats, big guy.

It should only be a few more minutes until Dusty calls me up to decide on the rest of the roster.



Filed under Cincinnati Reds

3 responses to “Reds’ Race for Fifth Down to Two

  1. apaschen

    A. we need to take a road trip to Cumming, TX.
    2. did you just call both pitchers masturbators? “Tossers” — well done.
    D. Micah Owings loves dingers.

  2. dpmehigan

    In response:

    1. we most certainly do. cumming, here we come?
    II. they toss with the best of them, i think it’s a compliment.
    C) Fact.

  3. Pingback: Your 2009 Reds Tossers «

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