Midwest(swing) circuit court: Nerds vs. Dorks


by Andy Paschen

Note: This is what’s called a tangent. It has nothing to do with baseball whatsoever.

Battlestar Galactica’s series finale is airing on Friday, and whenever I tell anyone about the utterly supreme awesomeability of BSG, I get two responses:

“God, you are such a dork.”

“God, you are such a nerd.”

Occasionally I get this:

“God, you are such a nerd/dork, Dwight Schrute likes that show!”

Before I get into my main point, listen up people. Dwight Schrute is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER. He does not exist. Try inserting the name any other piece of fiction and see if you don’t end up sounding like a total asshat.

Bilbo Baggins likes that show?” “Unicorns like that show!” “Sebastian the crab likes that show!”

Do you realize now? Do you realize how incredibly stupid that sounds? Do you!?

Ahem, anyway, that’s not why we are here today, we are here to settle a question once and for all: Which is worse — being a nerd or a dork? Both species of Homo sapien have been misunderstood for centuries, to the point where much of society believes them to be the same thing, words that essentially and interchangeable like “tool” or “douchebag.” But today we uncover the truth, and we explain that not only are these millions of potential virgins distinct and separate tribes from one another, we will find out once and for all which side can mock the other for being one step lower on the ladder of social popularity. To argue the two sides with be Professor Q.W. Winkler, arguing on the side of the dorks, and Timothey Beechum for the nerds. The moderator, Judge Andy, will be in italics. Let’s begin.

“Excuse me you honor?”

Yes, Mr. Beechum, what is it?

“I’d like to be referred to as my elvish name: Orophin Culnámo.”

Absolutely not. Please offer the court your opening statement.

“Well then. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the question we are faced with today is this: Who is higher in the kingdom of Rohan, the ‘nerds’ or the ‘dorks?’ Who is Superman while the other is simply Bizzaro? Who deserves those awful wedgies and who is simply being lumped in with the wrong crowd?

“But first, we must identify what separates the two races? The races that couldn’t be more different than X-Men and Morlocks, Iron Man and Captain America, Humans and Cylons. ‘Nerds,’ I must state for the record, I believe is a deplorable nickname given to my people. Do we call all talented athletes meatheads or girls that like giving BJs skanks?

“Anyway, nerds are no more than regular human beings who have taken an interest into fantasy and, especially, science fiction. Battlestar Galactica? Love it. Graphic novels? Awesome. Dungeons & Dragons? It’s not for me, but I certainly can’t knock it. These are just hobbies, interests that are enjoyed by some people and not others. But you “normal” people wised up to the nerds, didn’t ya? Spider-Man broke all sorts of box office records, The Dark Knight won Heath Ledger (rest his soul) an Oscar, and Battlestar Galactica has been a critics’ choice for years now.

“But dorks? Dorks are nothing like us — thank the Lords of Kobol. They are into physics problem sets, video games and model rockets. Remember October Sky? Of course you don’t, because nobody likes crappy movies about science. That’s why you fell asleep when your biology teacher showed you Life Story with Jeff Goldblum–

“Objection! That was a made-for-TV movie!”

Sustained. Get your facts right Mr. Beechum.

“My point is this, dorks are into lame shit. Science isn’t popular, grades aren’t fun to talk about, and have you ever met someone who plays video games for more than four hours a day that doesn’t smell like feet? Plus, dork means penis — I may be a nerd good sir, but at least I’m not a penis.”

Professor Winkler, your reply?

Judge, Jury, esteemed people of this court — what you just heard was a pack of lies. See him, see little Timmy Beechum there? He lied to you! We dorks are a proud people. Remember that physics group project? Who was the one that completed it for the group and got them all As? Dorks. The guy that invented the remote control? He was probably a dork. Legos? Who didn’t love Legos? They are dork material. Everything in this world that you can’t make, explain or understand: we do it for you.

“And nerds? As for your mainstream material, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn. Spider-Man 3 blew; George Clooney, bat-nipples and Arnold Schwarzenegger killed Batman for years; and nobody liked the ’70s version of Battlestar Galactica anyway.

“Dorks are the backbone of our technological society. We work at Apple and Google, build Xboxes and BMWs — nerds jump around with Styrofoam swords and learn languages that don’t exist. And because of that your honor there is only one equation the court should remember: Dorks > Nerds.”

Thank you counselor. After much deliberation the court has come to a decision. Midwest(swing) circuit court understands the roles both sides play, in their successes and failures. For every Dark Knight there is a Watchmen, for every Xbox a Sega Saturn. Its a question of the chicken or the egg, and this court has no place for existential debate. Therefore I am throwing the case out, on account of the fact that you need each other more than anyone, and that dorks and nerds are equal in necessity AND virginity. Court is ajourned.

Riviting stuff there. That being said: GO RENT BATTLESTAR GALACTICA RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Next week: Paris Hilton vs. VD — who is giving whom a bad name?


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