Predictions: Why? Because everyone else is doing it, duh.

by Andy Paschen

Ok, I might as well get this over with. I would like to say first that I’m not a huge fan of predictions, but everyone else is doing it and I’m a slave to fashion. I am pretty much the smartest person I know, so these predictions might as well me a 100% lock in terms of accuracy. Count it. We’ll start with what I already know.

N.L. Central: Cubs, Reds, Cardinals, Brewers, Astros, Pirates
They are just too much for the rest of the league. And I’ve noticed that many a sportswriter is giving the Cardinals a good shot to do some serious damage in the Central, and I want to dispel those rumors right now. Not because the St. Louis Cardinals are a consistent pain in my ass just like the pain in Dr. Gregory House’s leg (television reference!), but because writers and fans alike are really missing the boat on this one. Why? 1) You cannot, I repeat, cannot count on Kyle Lohse, Joel Piniero or Todd Wellemeyer, three players that have had limited success in their career at best until last year, to be just as good as they were last year. It’s called a career year, there’s a reason they only happen once or twice in a career. 2) Their big off-season acquisition is a career .248 hitter. Khalil Greene is batting out of the cleanup spot. He hit .213 last year. I don’t care that he hit 27 HRs with 97 RBIs two years ago, he’s NEVER hit .275. Ever. 3) Albert Pujols is a ‘roider. Yeah I said it. The baseball gods will eventually bring the hammer down, just you wait and see.

N.L. East: Mets, Phillies (Wild card), Braves, Marlins, Nationals
Why? I have no idea, but I think Francisco (that’s a fun name!) Rodriguez and J.J. Putz solve that pesky bullpen problem the Mets had. As for the rest of the division, the Phillies don’t have enough pitching, the Braves don’t have enough experience, the Marlins don’t have enough fans and the Nationals don’t have enough.

N.L. West: Dodgers, Diamondbacks, Giants, Rockies, Padres
West, have fun playing against Jake Peavy, it’s not going to last the whole season. Dodgers? See you in the playoffs, because Hiroki Kuroda is going to have more wins, your good hitters are going to hit better with Manny Ramirez in the lineup for a full year and the rest of your division is gross. Keep an eye on Randy Johnson though, he could be pretty good this year. Why? Because he’s on my fantasy, and he better have a good year, or else he’ll have to answer to the GM of Team Moneyballs — me.

A.L. East: Red Sox, Yanks (Wild card), Rays, Jays, Orioles
Why? Because the Sawks are better than everyone else when they are healthy (which they weren’t last year), the Yanks spent enough money to support a small to mid-sized African nation, and the Rays, well, I just don’t see them striking it rich two years in a row. I like the Blue Jays squad, but they are cursed with being in a division where they will never see the light of day. The Orioles, well, have fun with Rich Hill and Felix Pie, I know the Cubs didn’t.

A.L. Central: Tigers, Twins, Indians, White Sox, Royals
Listen, the Tiger’s line-up is just too good to be as bad as they were last year. Armando Galarraga is good, Justin Verlander is good, Edwin Jackson could be good enough plus a bounce back year from Curtis Granderson means they are going to surprise a few people. The Twins get 2nd just because all they do is win, somehow. Joe Crede will make a bigger impact on their line-up than people think and a full season of Dernard Span at the top of the order will generate more runs than they’ve had in sometime. The Royals? Well, just be thankful that the MLB doesn’t have relegation, like European soccer. Otherwise they would be at the AA level at best right now.

A.L. West: Angels, A’s, Rangers, Mariners
Why do they still have four teams in their division when the N.L. Central has six? This isn’t a difficult problem to solve either. Move Houston to the N.L. West and have the Rockies switch leagues. The Rockies, with their thin air and all, are better suited for the style of play that the A.L. is anyway. Why has this not happened? God I hate you Bud Selig. I have everything about you, from your beatty little eyes to the gross fake hair on your head.

NLCS: Dodgers over Cubs. It hurts to write that.
ALCS: Red Sox over Yankees. It also hurts to write that.

World Series: Red Sox over Dodgers. Mark it down. Now. Are you marking? Go ahead, go forth and mark.

So there you have it. They might as well not even play the next 162 games, because I just did it for them. I have no idea who will win MVPs or Cy Youngs, nor do I care. But if they come from the N.L. Central, it’ll be Pujols and Rich Harden (if he can stay healthy). Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my bookie.



Filed under The Rest

5 responses to “Predictions: Why? Because everyone else is doing it, duh.

  1. Fink!

    You are such a douche for saying Albert is a roider…actually you are a huge douche. But I understand because you are a “journalist” that you have to say things like that. I mean, heck, if you didn’t say things like that, no one would read your blog. It’s just like newspapers that have to report crazy things to sell papers. I mean, we don’t even need newspapers anymore…

    So come on man. Stop posting things that have no basis of fact. They are lies. Just because the Cubs don’t have the best player in the game doesn’t mean that Albert is doing roids. I mean, even if by some magical chance you frame Albert for taking steroids, it won’t win you a World Series.

    Oh, and please don’t choose to be the media that reports every little slip up by our former President but refuses to print anything negative about that new guy in office, barrack obama, because that who the media wanted in office. That’s why the New York Times is going out of business, along with every other newspaper in America.

    I love you Andrew…

    • dpmehigan

      to this “fink!” character:

      its too bad in this climate, but you have no proof that albert is clean. i believe that it’s “innocent until proven guilty” but nobody gave that to bonds, sosa, mcgwire, etc. technically, nothing has been proven on bonds and steriods, but he’s the world’s biggest pariah. i wouldn’t have guessed a-rod used steriods, so therefore, it wouldn’t surprise me if albert did. i personally don’t think he did, but if baseball’s taught me anything, don’t trust anyone.

      not all journalists are scumbags. but some definitely are. as to your point, i don’t think we’ve ever praised or ripped on barack obama here at midwest swing. until he plays in the NL central, he probably isn’t really going to be talked about much, so keep that jibber-jabber to the cnn blogs. we’re all friends here.

      • Fink!

        I know you guys are all great “journo’s”, and I want it to stay that way!

        And yes, I can’t prove that Albert is innocent or guilty, but just judging by the kind of man he is (the polar opposite of Bonds and A-Rod), I believe him.

  2. dpmehigan

    they have 4 in the AL west and 6 in the NL central because there has to be an even numbered amount of teams in each league, otherwise two teams wouldn’t have anyone to play unless there was massive amounts of interleague play.

    not saying bud isn’t a douche (even though he saved the crew from being eliminated), but not really much he can do there, other than add 2 more AL teams or get rid of 2 NL teams.

    lastly, the royals and brewers will both be better than that – add that to your markings, good sir.

    • apaschen

      damnit Danny. That makes sense. But it’s still annoying. And no, the Brewers and Royals will not be better than that, did you not read the part where I said I am always right? Come on.

      Fink – Albert Pujols loves the juice.

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