by Andy Paschen
Here on the internet, speed rules. It doesn’t matter if your information is accurate or coherent, so long as it is first. Journalistic integrity? What are you, a dinosaur? Do you grind your wheat at the old mill by the river? Are you still toiling in the fields as a serf in the feudal system? Get real. With that in mind, I give a hearty “Suck it!” to ESPN.com, Yahoo! Sports and everyone else on the interwebs as Midwest Swing publishes the first in-season N.L. Central power rankings that can be found.
These rankings are compiled by our crack team using an incredibly complex mathematical system that gives us the most statistically accurate portrayal of who the best team in the division is. We would tell you what our analysis entails, but then we would have to hit you with a stun gun and pump 50,000 volts of electricity through your entire body. Do you know what happens when that much electricity runs through you? You poop your pants. Gross. You don’t want that, we don’t want that, so just trust us that our ranking system is in fact the most accurate system ever devised in the history of baseball analysis, guaranteed to predict the playoff teams 100% of the time. Here they are;
T1. Chicago Cubs (1-0) Clearly the power of the division, as demonstrated by their undefeated record in both Major League Baseball and the N.L. Central. Tied for the highest run differential, its obvious their balance of pitching and hitting is nearly unmatched in the division.
T1. Pittsburgh Pirates (1-0) Who would have thought that the Pirates would be battling for the division lead this late into the season? They are the Central’s most potent offense and are nipping at the heels of the mighty Cubs. Incredible? Our statistical analysis says no, it is no joke.
3. Milwaukee Brewers (0-0) The Brewers are treading water, waiting to strike fear into the hearts of the rest of the Central with their dominant pitching. Having given up no earned runs this season, the Brewers are on pace to destroy the records for least runs given up in a season. However, if they want to move up in the rankings, they will have to wake up the lumber: the offense has been held scoreless in its entirety in 2009.
T4. Cincinnati Reds (0-1) If the season ended today, they would wind up in 4th ahead of Astros and Cardinals, thanks to the alphabetic advantage the city of Cincinnati has over Houston and St. Louis. If the Astros or Cardinals want to compete with The Big Red Machine, then they might need to look at what kind of lease Albuquerque can offer on their municipal ballpark.
T4. Houston Astros (0-1) Winless in division play and winless in the N.L., no Central team has given up more home runs than the Spacemen. With Roy Oswalt having the worst season of his career to date, there looks to be little hope for this squad of aging ball players.
T4. St. Louis Cardinals (0-1) Bringing up the rear of the division, it’s clear that the Cardinals are a shadow of the team that they used to be. Their bullpen is a disaster, blowing more saves than the rest of the divsion combined, our statistical analysis shows that not only are the Cardinals the worst pitching team in the Central, but the second worst team in the N.L., only ahead of the lowly Washington Nationals. If Tony LaRussa hasn’t drunk himself into a coma by now, it might be time to hit a high ball and get toasty for possbily the worst season in the history of baseball.