N.L.SoM: When paying attention makes you Spider-Man


N.L. State of Mind is a weekly column written by one Andy Paschen. Any attempts to reproduce, rebroadcast or redistribute without expressed written permission by Andy Paschen, Midwest Swing or N.L. State of Mind is strongly encouraged.

I don’t watch that much TV, I think. I’m not really sure what the standard number of television shows a person is supposed to follow. That, coupled with the fact that I almost exclusively watch TV via the internet and DVDs, I’ve decided I don’t watch that much TV. Except Battlestar Galactica. Best. Show. With Robots. Ever.

That being said, I started watching House a few weeks ago. It’s pretty entertaining, if you can get by the fact that every episode is exactly the same. Strange disease, House makes sarcastic quip, the team mis-diagnoses the strange disease a few times, House pops some pills and makes another sarcastic quip, patient almost dies, House figures out the problem through some esoteric piece of evidence. Ta da, you just lost an hour of your life.

But what I’ve noticed about shows like House, shows such at The Mentalist, Lie to Me, all forms of CSI, Psych and others is this: They are considered almost super human sleuths, as though they literally have super powers. Their power? Paying attention to shit. Seriously, they notice things that no one else does, and all of a sudden they save the day. How short is America’s attention span that there are millions of viewers of a half-dozen or so primetime shows centered around people that simply pay attention to their line of work. “Look at Dr. House honey! He’s so amazing! He noticed that the guy with the broken finger had a broken finger because his finger hurt!” That is not a super power, that is just not being a completely inept human being.

America, this is your last warning, either start paying attention to life or get out and make room for foreigners that will.

N.L.SoM Player of the Week: Adam Lind, the Toronto Blue Jay’s OF/DH, solely for giving baseball the business on opening day and being on my fantasy baseball team, Moneyballs. 4-5, 1 HR, 6 RBI. That’s what I’m talking about. Sure, it’s only one day but I love fantasy baseball, as mentioned in our earlier segment of Point-Counterpoint-Countererpoint. You’re going to hear about my fantasy team all season, so you might as well get used to it. Papa Paschen is proud of his little baseball children, runnin’ around and doing big things.

N.L.SoM Player of the Weak: The Basketball Hall of Fame. Getting inducted into Canton or Cooperstown is a big deal, but the Basketball Hallf of Fame doesn’t get half of the publicity as them. The only reason you know anyone got inducted this year is because Michael Jordan got in. Here’s the bone I have to pick with the NBA. Get your own Hall of Fame! Stop sharing it with the rest of the basketball world! Why is the greatest player in the history of your sport getting inducted with Vivian Stringer? What fan of the NBA gives a flying J.R. Rider dunk about Vivian Stringer? Get your own Hall of Fame, transfer any inductees you’ve ever had and move forward. God! Why do I have to solve everyone’s problems?!

Old & Busted: Acting.
New Hotness:
Not Acting. First, Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, and said he was done acting. Now it looks like Kal Penn, that would be Kumar/he’s-also-a-guy-on-House, is taking a long haitus from his thespian vocation. Instead of getting made fun of by Hugh Laurie, Penn is going to get a position in the Obama administration doing something or other with people and such. I don’t know much about politics, but I imagine that acting is a pretty sweet gig. You get paid an embarassingly large sum to spit lines at a camera and bang your co-star. Sign me up. But no! The cool Hollywood trend with actors these days seems to be not acting. How ironic! Hipsters, raise your cans of PBR Light to this brave new trend, or mock it. Because that would be ironic.

What to do on your off day: Watch out for police during your next pillow fight. Of course since it’s in Detroit, a harmless pillow fight is cause for the police to get involved. I’m surprised that the combatants didn’t light the pillows on fire before squaring off with each other. Detroit, this is why you can’t have nice things. And don’t the citizens of Detroit have anything better to do, like, you know, getting the hell out of Detroit? If you’re living in Detroit and your sole goal isn’t trying to figure out how to not live in Detroit, you’ve made some poor life choices along the way.

Let’s go shopping! Have you always wanted to hear what it would be like to be successful, without all of the annoying effort needed to actually acquire success? Then we have the perfect gift for you, you lazy bastard! That’s right, its the “That’s Me Sports Cincinnati Reds Baseball Personalized CD,” and what a steal — only $19.99! Tell me more internet, I must know:


“Now you can be the baseball superstar you have always dreamed of being with this officially licensed MLB® customized baseball CD. This 15 minute play-by play CD features professional announcers who call out your full name 30 times as you lead your favorite team to an amazing World Series victory while the crowd goes wild.”

30 times! I wonder how many soft fly outs I’ll hit, or do I hit 30 dingers? Professional announcers? I hope it’s Joe Buck, he seems like the kind of guy that just loves sports and brings excitement to everything he does. Now I know what to ask for in case I ever get Bar Mitzvah’d.

The at-bat song of the week: Kosuke Fukudome, have I got a song for you. Mark Ronson and River Cuomo (the guy from Weezer for those of you playing at home) — “I Suck.” Yeah. You do.


1 Comment

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One response to “N.L.SoM: When paying attention makes you Spider-Man

  1. C-Dubs

    I think the That’s Me Sports Cincinnati Reds Baseball Personalized CD would be quite a nice Easter gift for a certain Reds fan in your life…hint hint suggestive wink

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