Josh: There are things that I enjoy doing with women. Get your head out the gutters readers. I’m going somewhere with this if you just bear with me. With the Super Bowl and now the Final Four in our national sports viewing rear view mirrors it got me thinking. Those two events are the kind that bring in even the most casual sports fan in front of a television. But my point is this, when these events come up, a lot of the time those casual fans are of the double X chromosome variety. So in this version of Point-Counterpoint-Countererpoint, we’re going to discuss watching sports with the fairer sex. [note from Andy: This is not going to end well for our love lives. Good thing the ladies think I’m as attractive as a turd sandwich.]
One of the most refreshing things that I find is a woman with a partial working knowledge of sports. Hey you don’t find it all the time. Some girls like a team and have allegiance to it for no reason other than they were told that it was what someone else did. Like political beliefs but we’ll save that for another discussion (HOORAY SOCIALISM!!!) So when watching sports with a girl, it’s important to tread lightly.
Like when too many questions are asked during said broadcast. The operative word in watching sports is watching, so when too many queries are made it takes away from the viewing pleasure. A lot of men know these questions and some girls know the types of questions even when they ask them. I know men talk during games too but it’s always in the sense of furthering the viewing enjoyment.This isn’t meant to be sexist (well maybe a little) but it’s at times like these that I get to thinking of pertinent topics such as this.
Andy: Mom, if you’re reading this, you might want to stop now and cut your losses. Disclaimer: I’m probably not in the right mindset to answer this question considering I’m listening to a song by Kanye West, Kid Cudi and Common about, well, I think the word inappropriate pretty much covers all the bases. But I have a few bones to pick with women, sports and TV and, I’ve put them in a fancy list to make them easier to read.
1. To all of the girls who are “just one of the guys” — you’re not. You’re a girl. Nothing short of being born with African frog blood that allows you to change sex will alter this fact. Why does this matter? Because girl’s humor and boy’s humor is different, and no place is this more transparent than when men watch sports.
Thusly, if I’m watching sports with “the guys” and you join us, then be prepared for an onslaught of suffocatingly foul farts, penis jokes, chauvinistic conversations including (but not limited to) bashing women’s sports, lengthy lists of women we think are smokin’ hot as well as women we think are sort of gross but would try to bed regardless, and more penis jokes. When this happens, understand there are two options for you: accept it or leave, because it’s not changing. I don’t care if you can taste my nauseating toots in your mouth — there’s plenty more where that came from and it’s a-coming no matter what.
2. I have heard men time and time again talk about how sexy they think it is when women are knowledgeable about sports. “My dream wife would be into sports,” “A chick that knows sports is hot,” blah blah blah. You know what, I don’t think it’s sexy. Why? Because what to big sports fans do together? They argue about sports.
I don’t want to argue about Jacoby Ellsbury’s OPS with my friends, much less my girlfriend. Chance are we’ll have enough arguments about the toilet seat. (Answer: It’s your problem ladies, my butt doesn’t get wet if I don’t put the seat down. Plus, unless you walk backwards into the bathroom, how in Taylor Swift hell do you not see the toilet seat up and take the necessary .5 seconds to rectify the situation? Egads.) I don’t care how much make-up sex we have, if we’re having it because we got into a fight about John Hollinger’s PER system, our jam session is not going to be jelly.
Just like women don’t think it’s sexy that I can tell them everything about The O.C., I don’t think it’s sexy that you can tell me the number of sacks Olin Kreutz gave up last year. No thank you.
3. Women are notorious bandwagon fans. And you know what? That’s ok. I don’t mind, really. Under one condition — recognize that you are, in fact, a bandwagon fan. Don’t tell me, “What? I’ve always been a Cubs fan!” Of course, how could I not see that pink Cubs hat buried in the closet that you haven’t worn since 2003!? It might be true, you have always been a Cubs fan, but do you know jack (tangent: remember the game You Don’t Know Jack? Classic.) about the team when they finish the season 20 games under .500? No? Then you are a bandwagon fan, so kindly shut your pie hole.
4. When it comes to actually watching sports with women, I’m indifferent. As long as you don’t ask to switch to Charmed in between innings, we can watch the game together. You can ask as many questions as you like, so long as you actually want to know the answer. You can even cheer for the opposing team, but understand I will mercifully break you down with scathing remarks about your sexual promiscuity involving various members of the other team’s coaching staff. I know, I know, Tony LaRussa is a charmer, but that doesn’t mean you had to sex him up, does it?
Danny: To begin, there is almost no way to answer this question without being chauvinistic, being a jackass, or without outright lies. Josh, you evaded the question like a true politician. Now that journalism is dead, you got yourself a future!
It’s not sexist to say that men’s sports are far more interesting and fun to watch. And that’s mainly because male athletes can do things we can’t. I cannot dunk a basketball with ease (or at all, for that matter), I cannot hit a 92 mile-per-hour slider over 400 feet, and I cannot consistently rip 330-yard drives. Male professionals can do these things. I can, however, make a nice layup off a backdoor cut. I can hit softball pitching, and I can hit a golf ball as far as LPGA players. Are they talented? Very much so. But much of why we watch sports is to divert ourselves from the everyday. To wonder in amazement at things that we cannot do. We don’t always think about it that way, but it’s true (right now, you’re either nodding in agreement or feigning disgust while you contemplate my brilliance).
That being said, I legitimately enjoyed watching the UConn women’s basketball team this season. I like Candance Parker, Lorena Ochoa, and Natalie Gulbis (ok fine, she’s just really hot), to name a few.
As for girlfriends and sports: I like a girl who likes sports. I don’t always like a girl that loves sports. Considering how much of my time I spend consuming sports via TV, the Internets, and playing them myself, it wouldn’t work if my ladyfriend hated it. We would barely have anything to talk about. However, when I’m not working (both my jobs involve watching sports) or watching my own teams, I want to talk about or do something else. Maybe that’s selfish, like I shouldn’t get to decide what goes on during my free time (false, I should). But either way, I’m going to know more about sports than 99.9% of women. And if we’re going to discuss sports – I don’t want her to pretend like she knows more than me. I don’t pretend like I know how to cook, like I know how to dress myself, or like I know what’s going on with Brangelina or Jen and John (I heard they broke up?! Jen, have your people call my people).
I think I’ve digressed. When I do watch sports with the ladies, feel free to ask as many questions as you like. But make them good questions. If you actually want to know about the games, the teams, then I’m down with helping you learn. Since I do like sports so much, I want you to like what I like. But don’t challenge my masculinity – I’ll know more than you, and you’ll just end up thinking I’m a pig when I make fun of you.
Women as sports fans lose credibility when they jump on the bandwagon. That’s not even a generalization, because 80% of female fans can’t name three players on their “favorite” team. And what girl have you met that truly and loyally loves a team that sucks – other than the Cubs? They go to the games to be seen, for the experience and to party. Not necessarily a bad thing, but don’t act like you know what’s up. For example, there were countless girls at Mizzou that tried to talk shit when the Cardinals won the 2006 World Series. You only know Albert Pujols, and barely. Shut up. If you say, “I love going to the games, and I’m happy if they win,” then that’s cool with me. And if it’s the Brewers or the Packers you love, I’ll likely try to woo you into the no-pants dance.
Andy: So we are all in agreement. Theoretically, watching sports with women is like taking a child out to a nice restaurant: we don’t mind, so long as they behave themselves. And I’m the only one who would rather not have the ladyfriend be a sports fan. Have fun sleeping on the couch after screaming at each other over Neifi Perez’s VORP. Any last words for either of you before we close the chapter on women, TV and sports?
Josh:I guess to close out this conversation, I’ll say this. Andy, I understand you wanting to do your own thing and not have a chick step her pumps over a man’s world. It’s why I don’t exfoliate, use tampons or get manicures and pedicures. But like I said, a working knowledge of sports, like an 8th grade reading level, is a perk to me just for the fact that it will make things more tolerable when said sports come on. Not too many dumb questions and I won’t cause myself permanent whiplash as I continually shake my head at the absurdity of all the questions that are being asked.
And Danny, to answer the question: I will watch sports with women as long as they ease up on the yakkity yak during the game. If you talk too much and front on your sports game ladies, I’ll T you up like Charlie does in Always Sunny.
Danny: Amen to that.