Oh, Hello King Douche … Good to see you


Oh, so I understand the sign. You’d rather be in the pennant chase instead of running around in sausage costumes. First of all, that’s absurd. The sausage race is one of America’s greatest traditions, along with apple pie, fireworks and the Cubs losing in hysterical fashion.

It’s a little difficult to figure out for a Cubs fan, so I’ll just do the math. See, if you spend a shit ton of money (Cubs payroll: almost $135 million – third highest in baseball, only behind the Yankees and Mets), you’re supposed to win games when they matter. The Yankees are a laughingstock of baseball because their futility is hilarious in the eyes of everyone else. And it’s only been eight years since they won it all. How about the Cubbies?

Win as many regular season games as you want, but when you keep losing when it matters, everyone else will keep laughing at you. Blame it on a goofy lookin’ dude in the stands, blame it on a billy goat, blame it on whoever you want. Your entire franchise is a joke, and the Pirates will win the World Series before the Cubs do. But hey, as they say …


As for the matter at hand, we weren’t there for the no-hitter last year because we were playing road games in our opponent’s stadium? That was against the Astros, remember? I don’t really understand that comment. So, we’re moving on. Hello Kitty boots? You’re the team with Kosuke Fukudome. I don’t understand your Star Trek anaolgies at all either, ya Dr. Spock, take me to your leader lookin’ ass … now excuse me while I guest-analyze the Cubs’ pitchers.

Dick Harden: He’ll probably throw 70 pitches in the first three innings, have six strikeouts, and then sit out the rest of the season with injured ladyparts.

Carlos Zambrano: “Look at me! I get upset whenever I strike out! I think I can hit, even though I’m just an overpaid baby! Watch me break this bat over my knee in a steriod-fueled rage!”

Ryan Dempster: Well, I could insult this guy, but he’s facing Jeff Suppan so he’s almost guaranteed to be the better pitcher in this game. Your insults do not hurt me, since I think even lower of Suppan than you do. Dammit.

Now that I have that out of the way, we come to the one thing we can agree on … Erin Andrews. Right when I think we’ll have to duel over said matchup, she brings us together. Now now, you got your preview out of the way, so I’ll save myself for the review after the weekend. Should be fun.



Filed under Chicago Cubs, Milwaukee Brewers

2 responses to “Oh, Hello King Douche … Good to see you

  1. Fink!


    Well said.

    That is all.


  2. apaschen

    Um, the only reason we have the third highest payroll is because we backloaded the contracts of people like Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez and such.

    Also, maybe if Milwaukee wasn’t poor then you could spend more on your baseball team.

    /put on top hat and monocle

    /drives away in solid-gold car

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