by Andy Paschen Statler and Waldorf
N.L. State of Mind is a weekly column written by one Andy Paschen. Any attempts to reproduce, rebroadcast or redistribute without expressed written permission by Andy Paschen, Midwest Swing or N.L. State of Mind is strongly encouraged.
I’m home alone all this week, so I’m much too busy sitting in the basement with a baseball bat making sure the Scream guy doesn’t kill me to write N.L.SoM, but I’ve left you in some very capable, fuzzy hands. This week, the lovable geriatric, Muppet hecklers Statler and Waldorf will fill in for me. Enjoy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I heard a creak in the floorboard. It’s clearly the footstep of a psychopathic murderer coming to string my insides outside like Christmas lights.
Statler: Hey Waldorf, it looks like we’re gonna be on Midwest Swing this week.
Waldorf: What’s a Midwest Swing?
S: It’s like John Rocker: illiterate and unpopular. S&W: BWAHAHAHA!
W: Well, what kind of Web site is this?
S: It’s a blog. They watch baseball then they write about it on the interwebs.
W: Wow, I didn’t know they could get TV reception in their mothers’ basement. S&W: BWAHAHAHA!
S: So what do you want to talk about? We’re supposed to talk about baseball.
W: Baseball? We haven’t watched baseball since black people were allowed to play!
W: BWAHA— Why aren’t you laughing?
S: That was pretty inappropriate.
W: Oh, sorry … um … We haven’t watched baseball since the depression ended?
S: Ended? I’m still depressed we have to write for this Web site! S&W: BWAHAHAHA!
N.L.SoM Player of the Week: The N.L. Central.
S: Hey Waldorf, did you know an N.L. Central player lead the N.L. last week in Avg (Ryan Theriot), 2B (Freddy Sanchez), HR (Alfonso Soriano), RBI (Albert Pujols), OBP (Theriot), OPS (Theriot), Wins (T – Kyle Lohse) and ERA (Chris Carptenter).
W: How is that possible, none of them played the Nationals! S&W: BWAHAHAHA!
N.L.SoM Player of the Weak: Hey Statler, what’s the difference between baseball and the bassoon?
S: I don’t know.
W: Derrek Lee can’t play either of them! S&W: BWAHAHAHA!
S: He’s batted .080 last week. I didn’t know numbers could go that low until I saw how many people visit this dump. S&W: BWAHAHAHA!
W: .080, Tony LaRussa has a higher BAC than that!
S: And he still strikes out less at the bars! S&W: BWAHAHAHA!
What to do on yo— S: You know what? I’m not going following Andy’s directions and write according to the N.L.SoM categories.
W: Good idea, you’d probably get lost anyway. W: BWAHAHAHA!
S: So did you read Danny Mehigan’s post about people who are far better than him at baseball?
W: I wonder why he didn’t make it “people who are far better writers than him”?
S: Because the article would be one word long: everyone! S&W: BWHAHAHA!
W: I finally read Josh Mosley’s HERE’S MY PROBLEM.
S: Oh yeah? What did you think?
W: Here’s my problem: it stinks! S&W: BWHAHAHA!
S: It could be worse, you could have read Andy’s post about the difference between nerds and dorks.
W: What was so bad about it?
S: I don’t know, I didn’t read it.
W: Then how do you know it’s bad?
S: Because nobody else read it either! S&W: BWAHAHAHA!
S: So Waldorf, is there anything you want to say before we leave?
W: I hope Andy asks us back to the Web site.
S: You do?
W: Yeah, so I can say no!
S&W: BWAHAHAHA! So long suckers!