Cards/Diamondbacks Recap: Where runs were handed out like condoms at prom

Yay!!! I did something right!!!!

Yay!!! I did something right!!!!

By Josh Mosley

Season record: 7-3
Series record: 2-0-1

Like a 7-year old momma’s boy, the Cardinals had to leave the friendly confines of Busch Stadium. First stop on the seven game road trip is to the lovely state of Arizona where the sun is out and a gang bang with the local Tempe 12 girls goes to the winner. Not really but how sweet would that be. It would be fake tans and bleach blond hair EVERYWHERE.

Monday: After a craptacular opening start against the Pirates, Todd Wellemayer sacked up and went seven innings letting up just one run and striking out four. Sensible shoes Dave Duncan and Tony La Russa kept his pitch count down to 87 throws while Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes and Ryan Franklin used a little concept called TEAMWORK to hold off the D-Backs. Offensively, the Cards lived and died by the long ball, getting solo home runs from Albert Pujols (man that guy’s pretty good) and Brian “Beg Your Pardon” Barden (copyrights and patents still pending for the nickname “Beg Your Pardon” Barden). It was his first major league dinger and was the game winner. Cards win 2-1.

Tuesday: St. Louis jumped out to a 3-0 lead in the fourth inning on base knocks from Chris Duncan and Yadier Molina respectively. But the D’s fought BACK if you will. I’m so clever sometimes it makes me ill. Literally, my keyboard is a sight to behold right now. Arizona plated at least two runs in innings 5-8 to actually pull ahead 6-5 in the eighth inning. Pujols tied it with an RBI one-bagger in the top of the ninth to tie it up. You’d think Eric Byrnes, in the midst of a 1-for-17 slump, would just screw the pooch and not be the hero but he was. D-Backs win 7-6 in 10 innings.

Side note: The real story from this game is that Chris Carpenter’s ribs decided to act like twat waffles and force him out of the game in the fourth inning. SO it wasn’t the elbow that put him back on the shelf. But his RIBS?!?!?!?! REALLY, UNIVERSE?!?!?! This could be a problem.

Wednesday: Afternoon delight time. Joel Piniero moved to 2-0 for the season while getting oodles of run support from his friends. Molina drove in two runs in the first three innings, helping the Birds jump out to a 6-0 lead. Arizona scored four in the third inning to pull to within 2 but that’s about as far the Cards would let it get as they plated a season-high 12 runs. Cards win 12-7.

Hot Fire Player of the Series:I’m going to give this one to Chris Duncan, outfielder and resident tobacco fiend. I never thought I would actually be in a position to give Duncan a compliment again but he is experiencing a mild resurgence early this season. He went 5-for-12 with four RBI’s in the Birds stop in the desert. Dare I suggest that better days are to come for Duncan. HELLZ NO!!!! That would be neglecting his previous ineptitude in the field, at the plate and in life in general. So to that end, let him have his moment in the sun with a wad of chew on his gum. Totally meant to rhyme there.

Weak Sauce Player of the Series:This is going out not to a player but a part of a players anatomy. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses and up for Chris Carpenter’s ribs.It’s not like he even hurt himself throwing strikes. He messed up his ribs swinging the bat, something he’s asked to do maybe three times every five days. And now because of it, he’s back on the shelf for “four to eight weeks.” I’m talking to you Cards trainers. If he gets back at any time after eight weeks then I will use quotes around any ensuing Cardinals injuries just to show how worthless you guys are.

Next up: Like I really need to talk about this one. The Cards are headed up to Wrigley for four games with the Cubs. Watch out for a preview tomorrow.

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