by Andy Paschen
These rankings are compiled by our crack team using an incredibly complex mathematical system that gives us the most statistically accurate portrayal of who the best team in the division is. We would tell you what our analysis entails, but then we would have to use that flashy thing that Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones had in Men In Black that gives you Amnesia. And you know what side effect comes with that flashy thing? Lupus. It’s true, I saw it on an episode of House. You don’t want that, we don’t want that, so just trust us that our ranking system is in fact the most accurate system ever devised in the history of baseball analysis, guaranteed to predict the playoff teams 100% of the time.
T1. Chicago Cubs (7-4) Yay!
T1. St. Louis Cardinals (8-5) Boooo! The alphabetical curse continues for the Redbirds, who lose the tiebreaker again this week because of that pesky S in front of t. If only they were the Aint Louis Cardinals, they would win every time.
T2. Kid Cudi: The man is responsible for one of the flamboastest and most remixed songs on the planet right now, Day N’ Nite (Though the best remix out there belongs to Chiddy Bang), teamed up with Kanye and Common to release this gem, released an amazing mixtape here, and is about to drop another mixtape at 8 p.m. Central today. If you’re looking for hte next big thing in rap, similar to when Lupe Fiasco hit the scene, look no further.
T2. John Madden retired. Thank God. If I had to listen to one more season of this analysis I would cook myself inside of a Turducken:
John, “You see what they did there? They ran it off tackle. That’s play happens when you hand the ball to the running back who then runs the ball off the side of the tackle, making it an off tackle run.”
3. Cincinnati Reds (6-5) … I got nothing, let’s move on.
4. Pittsburgh Pirates (6-6) We are witnessing the greatest season in Pittsburgh in over a decade. Seriously, 6-6 is parade worthy. Eat your heart out Sidney Crosby, because Nyjer Morgan, Freddy Sanchez and Ian Snell are taking that city by storm!
T5. Houston Astros (4-8) Statler: Hey, have you heard of there Houston Astros? Apparently, they’re pretty old.
Waldorf: Pretty Old? The Astros are so old the pitchers don’t put jackets on when they get on base, they get wheelchairs!
T5. Milwaukee Brewers (4-8) I looked at the Brewers EHarmony profile so I could share my findings with you.
Loves: Dingers, fat vegetarians, Bratwurst, Italian sausage, any type of tubed meat, cheese curds, fried cheese curds, any type of cheese
Hates: Pitching, not giving up runs, winning games, Dad, diet and excercise, the Whitefish Bay Blue Dukes (Danny’s alma mater … Booooo!)
6. Chien-Ming Wang, SP, New York Yankees: 3 starts, 34.50ish ERA. Hideki Irabu would be proud.