by Andy Paschen
Listen up peoples. Do you ever watch sports and think to yourself, “Wow, that human being is a far better than me at life. Look at him: strong, athletic, talented, rich and knee deep in road beef. Why can’t I be like that?” And if you do ever think that, you know how you feel right after you think it. Like shit. Especially now that I am officially getting to the age where athletes are noticeably younger than me, like Derrick Rose per say. You’re 20! I remember being 20. I was an idiot at 20. You are awesome at 20. How did my life go so wrong?
So I decided to make a list. No, it’s not a list of pros and cons of being an athlete, nor is it a list of the athletes I would most want to be. It’s not even a bucket list of things I should do before I die to make myself feel more valuable. (Number one on that list? Grow a beard.)
Instead, I listed things I could beat athletes in. Events, competitions, tests — whatever. If it was on TV, they would watch me and think, “Wow, how does he do that?” because they would be unable to duplicate my kick ass performance.
Sammy Sosa: an English proficieny test. What’s that Sammy? You conveniently forgot how to speak English? Looks like someone won’t know when to use “might” vs. “may” or correctly place a comma. [editor’s note: Andy does not know how to correctly place a comma] Get ready to taste my subjunctive, if you even know what that word means.
Rick Ankiel: Waiting patiently. As my colleague Josh has keenly pointed out, there are many things in life that are more patient than Rick Ankiel. Josh, you can add me to the list.
Chris Carpenter: Keeping my health insurance low.
Carpneter’s medical past: 2004 – nerve problem in right bicep. 2007 – Tommy John surgery and removal of bone spurs. 2008 – compressed nerve in right shoulder. 2009 – torn left oblique muscle.
Andy’s medical past: 2006 – appendicitis. 2007 – burnt top of mouth on cheese pizza. 2008 – bronchitis, clipped fingernail too short one time. 2009 – influenza.
Have fun with a future full of crippling arm pain and outrageous premiums, Carp.
Miguel Tejada: A Polygraph. Miguel wouldn’t even get past the the control questions. “Is your name Miguel Tejada?” “Uhhh … si.” WRONG! It’s Tejeda. Andy 1, Miguel 0.
Prince Fielder: A day-long fast. I would win by breakfast.
Mike Fontenot: Reaching things on the top shelf competition. Mike Fontenot is 5’8″. Yeah, is his BRA! (Hmmm, that Liar Liar quote doesn’t really apply) But seriously, that man would look up to me when we finished our battle for the cookies mom put on the top shelf. Literally. I’m 5’10” (5’11” with shoes! 6’0″ in heels!) so he would have to look up to me.
Chad Gaudin: Not looking like crap.
Chris Duncan: Fielding the outfield. The man can’t field. I know he’s a major league baseball player, but I swear to Allah (just covering all of my bases here) that I can take a better path to a fly ball than him. The man looks like he’s drunk out there.
The Pittsburgh Pirates: ESPN’s Who’s Now? Unless the Pirates can continue pitching at a rate of 4 shutouts every 13 games, I’m going to still be way more “Now” than the Buccos. My “Now” is rising, I swear.
Carlos Zambrano: Sitting quietly by myself. The man gets IVs full of Red Bull mixed with Elephant testosterone. Can you imagine the amount of Ambien that man has to take to even himself out to sleep? Also, I would clearly win in a “Not looking like I’m registered on Megan’s Law” competition. Hey Carlos, mind if you babysit my little cousins in your creepy van for the night? Yeah, you probably wouldn’t, pederast.
Tony LaRussa: A field sobriety test. Let a fan from “one of the classiest fan bases in the world” help me with the visual:
It’s a good thing he didn’t set an example for acceptable behavior for any of his players, otherwise things could have really gotten ugly.
Joel Zumaya, Detroit Tigers: Guitar Hero. Not only could I absolutely out-shred Zumaya (he does not want any of this! “Killing in the name” by Rage, “Wind Cries Mary” by Jimi, “Lay Down” by Priestess — the man would get wrecked) but I haven’t sustained serious bodily injury from playing hours at a time (and trust me, I’ve played hours at a time).
Sam Cassell: Looking like a human being-a-thon. Exhibit A. Ladies and gentleman, I rest my case.
Brett Myers: Not punching women. Though if a woman created that $5 footlong song, we will soon be tied.
So I say to you folks, try to think of your own things that you are better at than the myriad of rich ans successful professional athletes. Then sit with your smug sense of self-satisfaction and try not to think about what kind of European luxury sedan they are driving at that very moment. It’s probably a Mercedes. Damn.