Cubs Recap: Games, what games?

by Andy Paschen

sorianodome

Oh, hell there. I didn’t see you come in. What’s that? You’re wondering where is my Cubs recap against the hated Cardinals? It ain’t here. Sorry. Apparently, when you rock one of the Cubs players in the dome with a pitch the concussion (though I don’t think Soriano got one) can be contagious to blog reporters.  But you can read about some of the game from Josh’s post, and for atonement I am going to give you things much more entertaining. Trust me. You’ll be begging me to never recap another game again. But first, let’s get some Cubs related shit out of the way before we move on.

Tangent: I met Ozzie Guillen yesterday. True story. He was at an event I was helping out with. Let me tell you how it all went down.

Me: “Hey Ozzie.”
Ozzie: “Hello.”

Riveting.

That brings the number of famous people I have met up to Kate Mara, Charlie Cox, Ozzie Guillen, D’Wayne Bates, John Paxson and  the man, the myth, the legend: Barack Obama. What a collection!

Anyway, back to the Cubs. I’m not gonna say much about this stuff. Think of it like speed dating, if the girl across from you was a random piece of Cubs information.

Cubs lose the series: L-L-W
Cubs Series Record: 3-2-1 (9-8 overall)

Bullpen Grade:
Friday:
C. Carlos Marmol blew the tie.
Saturday: D. David Patton blew chunks (5 ER).
Sunday: B. A blow free game.

Bullpen season GPA: 2.67 (B-) GPA through 17 games.

Friday’s Goat: Carlos Marmol. See above.
Saturday’s Goat: David Patton. Ditto.
Sunday’s Hero: Kosuke Fukudome. 3-5 1 HR 5 RBI. Domo arigato, Mr. Fukumato.

Hero/Goat season leaders:
Hero Squad:
Fukudome, Soriano, Ramirez – 2.
Fontenot, Johnson, Lilly,  Zambrano, Ramirez – 1.
Goat Bastards:
Bradley, Patton – 2.
Cotts, Fontenot, Gregg, Harden, Hoffpauir – 1.

Right, now let’s get to the good stuff. Recently I have come across an explosion of Web sites of pure genius. not because they are especially well done, but because they take the most important part of the internet and exploit it like a poor 18-year-old in LA’s porn district. Attention span. You need nil to read these websites. They are niche sites that work. Enjoy.

SnacksandShit.com – Remember when you were driving in your hoopdie and you were listening to Lil Wayne, when he rapped: “Dear Mr. toilet, I’m the shit.” And then you thought to yourself, Worst. Boasting. Ever. Well Snacks and Shit takes your favorite bad rap lyrics and points out how bad they are.

Example: “Where the fuck is Queens? Where the fuck is Queens? Where the fuck is Queens?” – Pharoahe Monch. Filed under: The WORST back seat driver of all time.

TextsFromLastNight.com – Remember that text you sent last night after the fifth of Goldschlager you pounded? I bet you don’t. fortunately Texts from last night does. It truly is comedy gold.

Example: (601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
(318): Alcohol?
(601): Sex with a fat chick.

StraightCashHomey.net – Go to Straight Cash Homey to laugh at people who do not know how to spend their money on sports memerobilia properly. Nothing says, “My life didn’t turn out the way I had hoped,” quite like a Samaki Walker LA Lakers jersey.

Example: Let’s just say a lot of people liked Keith Van Horn.

whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com – This Web site has the added bonus of having a domain name that pretty much sums up the entirety of the site. Just like Straight Cash Homey, except the jerseys are babies.

Example: You’ll have to see it to believe it.

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