by Andy Paschen
Losing sucks, especially when you're drunk and sitting next to smelly trash.
My children, I have failed you as a daddy. You come here time and time again to learn about the Cubs, only to be slapped in the World Wide face by stale material. So in an effort to get you reading more because, you know, knowledge is power or something, I’ll be linking the crap out of this space so you can learn as much as possible about your favorite Baby Bears. Continue reading
Chris Berman: Fronting as Cincy newspaperman? Stay tuned.
There are certain buzzwords or phrases in journalism that are absolute no-no’s. The personal ‘you’, opening a lede with a question, getting to hear the phrase “you’re hired”, just to name a few. While it’s different for the written word compared to the spoken version, Chris Berman of ESPN fame is a walking mystery. I understand he’s been there since the start. But he’s honestly a joke these days. Literally, his entire shtick is to yuk it up with the 13 other talking heads on NFL Countdown and to turn athlete’s names into “witty” phrases. Anybody who has heard him talk for more than 30 minutes wants to kill two people – themsevles and Berman. I go on this rant for two reasons: one, because I hate Berman. Two, a certain Cincinnati Enquirer copyeditor channeled his or her own Berman for a headline a few days ago, and considering the Enquirer is one of my few sources of Reds’ news, it really ground my gears.
But that technically is neither here nor there. But do you know what is? (Boom. A question, and a personal ‘you’. In YO face, established and blog-hating journalism!)
Billy Hall: Nazi youth, Black Panther, Walkoff artist?
I bet some of you out there want to know more about the Brewers series last weekend against the Twins. You probably think I didn’t write anything because I’m a lazy sumbitch and I took advantage of the long weekend to do debaucherous things. You are right on some accounts, but I refuse to admit which ones.
But the real reason is that the Twins series never happened. There’s no way a (former) 1st-place team would get stomped on like that in three straight games against a team scuffling under .500. We were all duped! Some rascal from Eden Prairie or some shit must have been playing video games and somehow switched the feed onto TVs all across the country. Tricky Minnesotans with their ice fishing and their videogame tricks.
by Andy Paschen
Could Jake Fox be the answer? Maybe, if the question is, who's that guy in the photo?
In a move designed to stop the Cubs from performing on a Gigli-like level breathe some life into the Cubs, the N.L. Chicago baseball franchise made three roster moves. Calling up SS Andres Blanco, LHP Jason Wadell and OF/3B Jake Fox.
To make room for the three youngsters the Cubs sent down Neal Cotts (yay!) and Bobby Scales (meh), and DLed Aaron Miles (meh).
But all of this movement really hinges around Jake Fox, who is being called up after having a better season in Triple-A Iowa than anyone I can remember in my short time on this big blue planet. Mr. Fox has hit .423 with 17 HRs and 50 RBI in 40 games this year. Those numbers would be far and away the best on this offensively anemic Cubs squad if they were MLB numbers and not AAA numbers, but hopefully this will help the sputtering O move in the right direction. They’ll need it too, considering they have a series with the Los Angeles Dodgers, a team averaging more than a run better with Manny Ramirez out of the lineup (go figure, right?).
Andres Blanco (AAA): .314, 4 HR, 25 RBI
Jason Wadell (AAA): 16 IP, 0-1 5.40 ERA
Bobby Scales: .257, 1 HR, 5 RBI
Neal Cotts (ChC): 11 IP, 0-2 7.36 ERA
by Andy Paschen
From left to right: a human I do not know and a human I do know.
So I peruse the Deadspins often as do millions of other people, but today was not one of those days. (I decided to rent the first two discs of How I Met Your Mother. The verdict so far: I am underwhelmed.) Imagine though my shock and awe when one of thse posts is about Cub reliever and current member of Andy Paschen’s fantasy baseball team, Moneyballs, Carlos Marmol, and a friend I have known from Mizzou/Chicago for the last four years or so.
The post can be found here, and essentially points out the fact that Marmol’s wife is about to have a baby, and my friend he is chumming up with is not his wife. So like any good journalist, I decided to write on the little lady’s wall, asking her to tell Carlos I said, “What’s up.”
She informed me, as I suspected from jump street, that she is in fact not jamming the Cubs’ electrifying pitcher. Damn. I thought I could have at least gotten a few tickets out of the deal. And though I do like the Deadspins, I don’t like when these types of stories pop up. It makes the site look more like a PerezHilton.com for athetes than anything else.
Coming soon: Cubs posts. I apologize for the delay, but sometimes the weekend can spill into the week, right?
YOU BLEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Josh Mosley
I’m not a Missouri supremacist. I mean, why would I? It’s not like I call the state’s best city (St. Louis) my home. I don’t throw the Chiefs or the Royals in the face of Kansas City people whenever they want to step up about who rules the Show-Me State. So for the last time I don’t not think that St. Louis is better than Kansas City. There. Let’s be peaceful. Hip hop hugs and handshakes. Continue reading
And son, that's reason No. 103 why you'll never be as good as me.
Over the past few days, there has been a preposterous amount of roster movement in the Brewers organization. I wanted to use another big word there, but I’m fresh out of ideas. So instead, we’re going to analyze the moves using relatively basic language and probably some asinine jackass-like comments. Onward!