by Andy Paschen
So what the Pirate lost 7-4 to the Brewers on Monday, big deal right? Well, kind of, until you realize that the Brewers have now beaten the Pirates 16 times in a row. 16 times! That’s the same number as the amount of consecutive losing seasons the Pirates have had! 16 is a shitty number for Pirates fans (read: Doug from south Pittsburgh when the Penguins aren’t playing).
Because Midwest Swing is in tune with the big picture, we take on charity cases from time to time. Today’s charity is figuring out how the Pirates can topple the mighty beer makers in game number 17. Now I’m no historian — at least I’m fairly certain a history degree doesn’t officially make me a historian — but I think that history can teach us old ways to solve new problems. And since I cannot think of a better group of problem solvers than actual pirates, it is pirate history we will peruse to find answers.
Don’t challenge Prince Fielder, Bill Hall, Mike Cameron or Rickie Weeks: If recent pirate history has taught us nothing else, it’s that you do not mess around with black people who have power. Somalian pirates tried to play with Barack Obama, but Barack Obama don’t play. Unless the game is kill three Somalian pirates with three Navy SEAL sniper shots to the head. I think Parker Bros. makes that one. Pittsburgh – if you want to win game 17, don’t give any black man with power a decent pitch to hit, because he’s going to kill you.
Don’t trust anyone that looks like a pirate: Look, I watched the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, I see the games these pirates play, with their undead ships and sea wenches and such. If Johnny Depp taught me one thing in life other than “Don’t run with scissors” it’s don’t trust anyone that looks remotely like a pirate.
So Pittsburgh, if you’re going to win, you cannot listen to a word J.J. Hardy says to you. Look at that facial hair: that is pirate facial hair. I don’t care what he does on that field, believe the opposite of what you see. J.J. flies out? Throw it to first base just to make sure. J.J. throws you out at first? Make sure the ump verifies he threw a baseball and not a giant clump of old marshmallows (he’s crafty!). J.J. is subbed out on a double switch — make sure the replacement player isn’t J.J. in disguise. Also, don’t trust any of your teammates — they are all pirates.
Do stay sober during the game: This lesson comes from your ancestor Henry Morgan, a Welsh pirate (oxymoron?) who pillaged and plundered the Spanish during the 1600s and became a hero in the eyes of the English. Even though technically the English and Spanish had a peace trearty at this time (and this is where Wikipedia’s details get fuzzy) somehow when the English arrested Morgan for burning Spain’s Panama City to the ground, instead of doing something silly like throwing him in jail they knighted him and made him Lieutenant Govenor of Jamaica. I don’t get it either.
But Henry Morgan was a rowdy man known for being drunk a lot — even for a pirate — and he eventually was replaced as Lieutenant Governor by some other English guy. In an ironic tribute to the captain, a spiced rum was named after him and 400 years later high school teenagers were buying his rum with their fake IDs and summarily making bad decisions under the ol’ captain’s influence.
Moral of the story Pittsburgh? Don’t get drunk and play baseball. Sure Hack Wilson and Babe Ruth did it, but you sirs are no Hack Wilson or Babe Ruth. Try to remember that.