Cards/Phillies recap: Philly is spreading weak sauce all over their famous Cheese Steaks

waithowmuchmeat

By Josh Mosley

Coming off a series win against the Natinals (Still funny. Never will stop being funny), the Cards are continuing their NL Eastbound and Down swing against the defending champs from the City of Brotherly Love. This may be a two game set but it will still feel like the typical recap as I find new ways to slam the Cards for getting swept and slam the Phillies for being the Phillies and hailing from a city with, quite possibly, the WORST sports fans in recorded history. I mean, who boos SANTA CLAUS?!?!?! Fucking terrorists!!!!!

Monday: All that goodness that Kyle Lohse was throwing down during April was temporarily de-railed (or Amy Winehouse-d as I would like to hence forth say to replace that word) in his first start in the month of May. Everything was Motown smooth for the first four innings as the Cards held a 1-0 lead until Lohse gave up dingers in back to back innings. Jayson Werth took him deep in the fourth to take a 2-1 lead. Then Lohse left one in Howard’s wheelhouse just a BIT too long and he cleared the bases for a four-run homer (that’s a grand slam for all you hipsters). Way to make him earn it Kyle. The other big fireworks from this game came in the Cards outfield when Rick Ankiel was tracking down a ball in the outfield. I can’t really do this justice since it was equal parts awesome and terrifying since Ankiel went noggin first into the left centerfield wall. Here’s the link:
Cards win 6-1.

Tuesday: Raise your hand if you can name the five sweetest people ever from the state of Hawaii not named Barack Obama. I’ll give you a minute. Until then, let it be known that Shane Victorino is making a play to be included on that list. Victorino roughed up Adam Wainwright for the game’s first three runs with a solo homer in the first and a two-run double in the third inning to build a Phillies lead that they wouldn’t relinquish at all. All totaled, Shane V went a brisk 4 for 5 with 3 RBI’s and was a triple short of the cycle. For frequent reader and hater of all things losing Mark Renken (Bulletproof Tiger in our fantasy league) it had to be a bitter pill to swallow. His center fielder went off big times against his favorite team. SALTY!!!!!!

Back to the game, the Cardinals bats woke up a little too late though. The Cards had two on in the seventh and had gotten within three runs after a Colby Rasmus double. Pedro Feliz put the kibosh on any of that noise though with an RBI double in the top of the ninth to make it 10-6. Pujols went yard off Brad Lidge in the bottom of the ninth to get back within three proving once again that he owns Lidge like the black man owns 85 percent of sports. Lidge recovered and sat down the rest of the Cards and the Cards were swept for the first time this season. Phillies win 10-7.

Hot Fire Player of the Series: I’m throwing up because I have to give this to an opposing player. But it’s okay because he’s a native of the Lou and had endorsements with both United Way and Subway (could you pick two more random companies to rep? Probably not). The big guy went 3 for 6 with five RBI’s in just two games against the Cardinals. If he does that against anyone else, I say awesome. But since he roughed up the Birds I’m going to have to give him a insincere “good job” that reeks more of telling him to take it in the chilli ring.

Weak Sauce Player of the Week: I’ve been on a spree of giving one of these two awards to inanimate objects as you will see if you sift through my previous two post. I’m going to keep that going by saying fuck off to the wall that beat up Ankiel. What were you thinking, wall? Such an asshat. You couldn’t move out the way? That shit ain’t cool!!!!

Next up: The Bucs come to town to take a beating like men. ARRRRR!!!!

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