As you might have heard, Midwest Swing loves fantasy sports. For whatever reason: the challenge, the entertainment, the babes, the camaraderie, we take part in these yearly rites of passage in hopes that our lives will be a little brighter whilst we play them.
But you know what the problem with fantasy sports is? Too many damn rules. Why can only one of my players be on the DL? Why does David Ortiz have to play in the Utility spot and not 1B? So what he hasn’t fielded a ground ball since America was run by a bunch of old, white men, I demand he be eligible for first base!
Because we are the future, we’ve decided to take matters into our own hands and create a new version of fantasy baseball. Instead of doing something crazy like, say, draft actual major league players currently on MLB teams, we’re opening up the draft pool. It’s Calvinball rules, baby.
Rule #1: Anyone can be drafted.
Past or present, historical or fictional, famous or irrelevant — everybody is up for grabs.
Rule #2: Statistics are arbitrary.
You know what the problem with sports is these days? Statistics. VORPs, PERs, OPSs, TFLs: what is this, a baseball game or a New Deal organization? Scoring in this game is random and possibly unnecessary in regards to determining a winner. As long as one of us can explain why our SS Optimus Prime deserves plenty of “points” for the awesomeness of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen then points will be awarded.
Rule #3: Rosters are fluid.
Optimus Prime would be a pretty awesome roster pickup, but he’s doing nothing but collecting dust until the movie hits in June. So come June, I’ll be scouring O. Prime’s name on the waiver wire. Until then, I’ve got to shortstop to find. After the draft anyone can be dropped or picked up, so long as the reasoning comes with an explanation, and there isn’t a fight over that player. So if it comes time for me to pick up Optimus and Josh says he wants him to (Stop dipping in my Kool-Aid Josh!) then Danny will arbitrate. Arbitration will be subjective, random and final.
Rule #4: We have no idea how to declare a winner.
I know, that isn’t really a rule. But in a world where every media outlet must declare winners and loser instantaneously isn’t it refreshing to hear? Win or lose, isn’t having fun the important thing to take away from all of this?
Rule #5: THERE ARE NO RULES!
Except for rules 1-4. Those are rules.
We will be posting our round by round draft choices (nine position players, one starting pitcher, one closer, one manager) as we move along, and we will be drafting the the “snake” order. Alphabetical draft order, Danny Mehigan, you are now on the clock.
#1 – Daniel Brian Jonathon The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Patrick Mehigan: With the first overall pick in the history of the Midwest Swing Whatever The Hell This Is Draft, I select OF The Temptations.
Are they hot right now? Technically, no. But ask anyone in the world – Communists, terrorists and kansans included – about the Temps, and it’s all love, baby. They’re smooth (“My Girl”), they’re happy (“Cloud Nine”), they’re sad (“I Wish It Would Rain”), they’re humble (“Ain’t Too Proud To Beg”), they’re driven (“You’ve Got To Earn It”) – they are versatile baby, and that’s what it’s all about. Plus, there’s no chance you beat their draft day suits.
#2 – Joshua Mosley: With the second pick in the Midwest Swing Fantasy draft of awesomeness, I select CF Christian Bale.
As far as immediacy goes, Mr. Bale could be the biggest pay off for the 2009 pop culture season. For starters, he has a “Terminator Salvation” coming out on May 21 so big dividends could be on the way. Now the movie could end up sucking wicked ass but every movie has that chance so I give that no concern. But let’s talk about Mr. Bale’s qualifications. First of all, he’s Batman so the tools he has at his disposal to hit dingers and rob people of homers and bloopers is evident. He’d probably juice up some super bat so that the best way to avoid damage is to walk him Bonds style.
Next, he’s playing John Connor in Terminator and was a fucked seven ways from Sunday in “American Psycho”. And we’ve all seen his rant on YouTube. He may be legitimately crazy. And you want that in a guy manning the outfield. Plus, he is central in two franchises. If this is a keeper, Bale good for it. Another Batman movie and probably another Terminator. Get hyped. (Andy: Not to mention he has another summer movie coming out with Johnn Depp, Public Enemies, and it looks Oscar-worthy. Plus it was filmed in Chicago —winner.)
#3 – Andy Paschen: With the third and final pick of the first round, I select 3B Kid Cudi.
Can you tell me what the last quality hip-hop album released was in recent memory? Paper Trail? 808s & Heartbreak? It’s been weak, weak sauce going on these last 6-8 months in the world of hip-hop (unless you consider Rick Ross’s album Deeper Than Rap a success — which the New York Times does) but sometime this summer Man on the Moon will be released, and Kid Cudi will be a household name — if he isn’t already. So the man with the most boombastic summer album will be the man to man my hot corner (sounds sexy). And though I don’t have an explanation for the sudden dearth in quality rap music at this current time, I do know it needs to come to an end. The economy, Swine flu, the Cardinals in 1st place, the auto industry, Polo horses dropping like flies — we need a hero!