Midwest Swing Draft, Round 2:

The second round is underway in our 12-round draft. Check here for official explanation and rules. Let’s listen in as the action picks up with Andy’s selection.

Round 2, Pick #4: With the first pick in the second round, the Above Ground Pool Party selects LF John Anderson.

Round 2, Pick 4: John Anderson - University of Missouri

Round 2, Pick 4: John Anderson - University of Missouri

Some national network, either ABC or NBC (I’m not taking the five seconds to look it up) is going to air/is currently airing (again, not looking it up) a show called Wipeout, where contestants try to complete an obstacle course that was designed to make them fail in brutally hilarious fashion.

So why ESPN’s John Anderson? Because he’s the host of the program. (I bet it’s ABC that’s airing the show, because ABC and ESPN are both owned by Disney. Can’t let the cow with the good milk wander to far, eh Mickey?) I’ve always envisioned left fielders to be particularly funny people, which is how the term “out of left field” was coined [editor’s note: incorrect]. John Anderson is easily one of, if not the funniest anchor on SportsCenter these days, so I am betting the comedy factor for this show will be high for three reasons.

First, John Anderson isn’t a comedian hosting a show that he has no business hosting (for more information, see Miller, Dennis). His job is to describe action that you are watching. This should come naturally to him. Second, he’s a Missouri J-School alumnus, so he’s obviously a winner. Third, he came back to Missouri this fall for a celebration of some sort and I got to meet him. Let me map out our awesome conversation:

Me: Hey John, I don’t really have anything to say, I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoy the work you do on SportsCenter.
John: Thanks, what was your name?
Me: Andy.
John: I like your argyle sweater Andy. I was going to wear one but the wife thought it was too hot for it.
Me: Thanks. Well, it was nice meeting you.
John: You too.

Funny and stylish? Swoon.

Round 2, Pick #5:With the fifth pick in the Midwest Swing draft, the Winner Winner Chicken Parm Dinners select closer Dwayne Carter. Also known as Lil’ Wayne.

lil-wayne_guitar-psd4373

Round 2, Pick 5: Lil Wayne - School of Hard Knocks

If you have to have someone close out a game for you, why not have it be someone who can save just about any mediocre hip hop song with just one verse. Many a track I have listened to are saved from being utter garbage because of this man. I’d suggest him for the Cardinals bullpen but we all know how Tony La Russa feels about questioning his genius.

Like a hurler trying out a new pitch, Wayne is trying his hot fire in a different zone. He is on the alt rock tip at this point so he’ll be relevant for the summer and beyond. Plus let’s not forget that the guy shows up on about 20,000 mixtapes a week so you’ll be hearing him between guitar riffs and bars of 16 for most of the summer of ’09. He could be this year’s K Rod setting a record for saves and possibly air play on your local top 40 station. Get it, Wayne. (Andy: He just released a 72-track mixtape no more than three days ago. It couldn’t have been more mailed in if he had used FexEx Next Day Air. I might have to argue for negative points for you already.)

Round 2, Pick #6: With the final pick of the second round, Ryan Leaf’s Comeback Attempt selects … SS Spencer Pratt.

Round 2, Pick 6: Spencer Pratt, Douchebag Tech

Round 2, Pick 6: Spencer Pratt - Douchebag Tech

I personally am not one for MTV’s fake attempts at reality with shows like The Real World, The College Life, and all those challenge things for people to grab that all-important 16th minute of fame. I never watched Laguna Beach and I damn sure don’t watch The Hills. But nonetheless, I know the characters (sorry, the people) and that’s a testament to its twisted popularity in this day in age. For the uniformed, Spencer Pratt is the world’s biggest Douche Bagger Vance. I don’t know when he turned up on The Hills, but now I know that he’s married to Heidi Montag, and she is or was best friends and worst enemies with Lauren Conrad. Their lives (I can safely assume they are 100% scripted, but let’s play along with the idea of spontaneity) are completely devoid of substance and are played out on MTV to a surprisingly massive audience.

Here’s why picking Pratt is a good thing for my fantasy team. He spends his entire life living in LA, traveling to Hawai’i and abroad to the most beautiful places and beaches in the world. Everything gets paid for by MTV execs that try to portray a normal life on TV. He has sex with his hot (if unbearably stupid) wife, goes out each and every night, hits on gorgeous women somehow swooning for him, gets yelled at about it on MTV by the aforementioned wife, rolls around in his money, and does it again. In between, he’s on every supermarket tabloid cover, makes more money to do absolutely nothing of significance than I ever will, and generally is the biggest douche in the world. The blogs, the Perez Hiltons, the TMZs, the US Weeklies … they eat this up. I don’t know how or why it’s popular, but it is.

And he’s going to be “famous.” At least for the next year or so until the MTV crowd gets bored and demands new 20-somethings to fawn over. But that’s all I need. Also, the biggest douches are the best for fantasy purposes. Alex Rodriguez = huge douche. Awesome fantasy baseball player. Tom Brady = giant tosser. Best fantasy quarterback ever (2008 excluded). I don’t have to like the members of my fantasy team, and there’s a good chance a mutiny may happen, but until then, Spencer Pratt will anchor the infield as he racks up all sorts of arbitrary statistics as my team heads towards the title.

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