Midwest Swing Draft, Round 3

Round 3, pick 7: With the first pick in the third round, Ryan Leaf’s Comeback Attempt selects SP Denzel Washington.


Round 3, Pick 7: Denzel Washington, Big State

Round 3, Pick 7: Denzel Washington, Big State

I’m not one of those movie connoisseurs that will pick apart films and critique them like its my job. When I watch movies, I watch them with some naiveté that helps me enjoy almost any film. I’m not here to judge; I’m just here to have a good time. Now some movies make that literally impossible (I’m looking at you, Max Payne) but that gets away from the point. Denzel never lets that happen. His roles tend to fall into two broad categories: mentor (Remember the Titans, He Got Game, The Great Debaters) or regular man turned badass (Training Day, Man on Fire, John Q, American Gangster). His previous work with Tony Scott in Crimson Tide, Deja Vú and Man on Fire assures baller status for his next film and another one he’s signed on for in 2010.

I don’t know too much about his early career, mainly because I was in the process of messing up diapers and watching Rugrats, but I do know that he’s still turning out hits as he gets older and older. On June 12, Denzel debuts The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, and the remake of the 1974 classic should fit perfectly into his stable of awesome crime thrillers.

His past greatness would be enough to solidify this pick, but the future still looks bright for Mr. Washington. Welcome to the squad.

Josh: Dammit, Danny. White man is taking ALL OUR STARS!!!!!. ALL OF ‘EM!!!!!

Round 3, pick 8: The Chicken Parms select C Neil Patrick Harris with the eight pick in the Midwest Swing Draft.

neil-patrick-harris

Call me a barrier breaker if you want to. But we all know in our heart of macho hearts that there are probably a fair amount of non-hetero’s in all the major sports but few choose to come clean. But that’s besides the point. Because NPH isn’t here just to fill a quota. He will be a hell of a pick up for the late season push when “How I Met Your Mother” returns in September. But also keep in mind that re-runs of said show are the ONLY reason any man has for watching Lifetime so you can get your fill and bask in his awesomeness through summer’s dog days.

Aside from the fact that naming him catcher has double meaning (I’m pretty proud of that fact actually) the guy plays, quite possibly, the most ridiculously awesome character on television right now: Barney Stinson. He bangs chicks, he drinks scotch and he plays laser tag. And he makes a shit ton of money working a job that he refuses to fully explain. He makes sex jokes, theories of the opposite sex, awesome websites … He’s better at life than I can hope to be right now. I could have made his character my draft pick and been okay but NPH himself is good people. He does magic tricks in real life and, if my team becomes injury prone, he can double as a team physician. I mean he did play child prodigy “Doogie Howser, M.D.” from 1989-1993. Kid is bonafide.

Round 3, pick 9: The Above Ground Pool Party selects 2B Amy Winehouse. I know what you’re thinking: Her?

This is what you look like when you arent smoking crack, fisting valium, dancing with the white lady or shooting heroin...

This is what you look like when you aren't smoking crack, fisting valium, dancing with the white lady or shooting heroin...

First, I need to admit some truths about Amy Winehouse. When she burst onto the scene a few years ago, I dug her chili. She was awesome in my opinion. From the pipes to the tattoos to her looks (except for the whole eye-liner thing, no thanks on that) I thought she was the complete package. I even had a poster of her in my room. Seriously. Now? She is a more fitting word for the definition of train wreck than an actual train wreck (careful with that joke, it’s recyclable!) Seriously, ew:

... This is what you look like if you do.

... This is what you look like if you do.

The reason she is starting at 2B for my squad, other than the fact she is too weak to play anywhere on the diamond, is because at 20-something she already has a video of her smoking crack, a ill-tempered beaux who shuttles in and out of the slammer and reports of her with in the early stages of emphysema. And if she dies this summer, which I’m guessing is a pretty good possibility, then my fantasy team not only will stand in time as the only fantasy team ever to have a player die on the field of play. I can’t even begin to think of how many points that will be. Personally, it would be nice if she lived and put out a few more records. But if she does croak then at least something positive came out of her inevitably incredible overdose. That reminds me: What’s the autopsy record for most toxins found in a persons system?

Josh: I like your risk taking but don’t think any “Deadman on Campus” rules will apply and you get extra points for having someone go deadsies during the season. And have we established a drug testing rule in our league? Is there punishment for too many drugs or too few drugs? I feel like we should establish that. I also feel like this all but solidifies that you are making Kanye West your manager since we know how well these two get along.

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One response to “Midwest Swing Draft, Round 3

  1. Pingback: Reason #1 why baseball is better than most other sports: Less meth. «

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