I can’t tell you how many times we have flooded our fantasy baseball board with spats about Chicago vs. St. Louis, bull honkey. I’m not dumb enough to say that St. Louis is better as a city. I wasn’t born yesterday so that argument would be about as absurd as Trump’s combover. Seriously, Donald. Your hair is taunting me. Do something with it. But a St. Louis vs. Milwaukee debate??? Clearly we are chartering new territory. So, in the spirit of the Cards and the Crew starting a three game set tonight, here is what me and Mr. Mehigan have in mind: five subjects that compare the two cities. You’ll get analysis. You’ll get closure. You’ll get wowsers in your trousers…Ok maybe not, but you’ll sure love it.
So sit back. Strap in and get ready to see what kind of clowning we can do when Danny and I have computers in front of us and time to kill.
Round 1: Best Beer (which one is truly America’s beer)
Josh: Can someone get me a cell number for the chode who coined the phrase “You booze, you lose” ? What an idiot. What a (foot stomp, foot stomp) IDIOT!?!?!?!! What makes St. Louis tick every day is the hooch. Same with Mil-Town (well that, cheese, the Pack and former Brett Favre before he lost his goddamn mind Mel Gibson-style). The Lou has all Budweiser products. I, myself, am a Bud Light guy.
It’s cheap. It’s tasteful. And it keeps me from packing on the pounds since I clearly am in need of some weight control. And to top that off, A-B just went into business with the Belgians. Beer and waffles??? Sign me up.
Plus let’s be honest. Nothing is more American than foreigners coming in to take over American companies. Miller has roots in South Africa. You know who lives in South Africa? Apartheid people. You know…Racists. Let Danny explain further.
Danny: You would call us out for the apartheid. But that was before Miller joined the SA crew. Now go eat some waffles while I fuck you up with some truth. I want to claim Miller as our best beer. I love some Lite, as do these lovely ladies, and Miller High Life is in fact the champagne of beers. But Milwaukee is a classic beer city, and I don’t think anyone can mess with Schlitz. It’s the beer that made Milwaukee famous, and just this past year, the makers switched back to the 1960s formula. I wasn’t around in the 1960s, so it’s new to me. And damn is it delicious. Grab some Schlitz and try to talk trash.
Round 2: Best monument
Josh: Whenever you cross the river from Illinois to St. Louis, you know within about 2 seconds what’s up when you run the streets of the STL: the Gateway f-in Arch.
It’s 630 feet of hell, fire and brimstone that should make you wet your pants from the mere mention of its awesomeness. I have my fingers crossed that Dinosaurs will rise again and play a game of horseshoes with it. Don’t pretend that thought isn’t intriguing. It’s not without it’s fault’s, though. Like the whole electrical problem in the summer of 2007 that stopped the tram from going all the way to the top.
(Side note: I interned at the Post-Dispatch and actually had to go down there and ask people about this. Lots of one sentence answers. No eye contact. It didn’t not suck. If that makes sense.)
To be honest, it’s not remarkable once you get inside. If I have a tip for anybody, it’s to NOT go inside unless utter boredom is your cup of tea. Some people might like that. This guy ain’t in that boat.
Danny: In the grand scheme of things, few cities have a chance to compete with a monument like the Arch. Milwaukee was not one of those cities – until last August. A bronze statue was unveiled on the Riverwalk in downtown Milwaukee. And it’s none other than “The Fonz.” You know, Arthur Fonzarelli. Happy Days. Mr. C. Laverne and Shirley. Yeah, that happened.
Do I need to give any reasoning for how badass this monument is? No. But I just might dish some out anyways. He’s rockin’ the leather jacket, the baller haircut and the two thumbs up. I can almost hear him saying, “Eyy!” from here. Henry Winkler, you are a legend.
Round 3: Best “Go-to Food”
Josh: “Wait…you can TOAST ravioli?” If you aren’t from St. Louis, then you have probably uttered this very sentence at least once. Yes, you can toast ravioli and yes it is awesome. It is best served hot and is tasty when rockin’ some marinara to the side. It’s bringing some Eye-talian flavor to the ‘Lou. Look at us. Making international connections all over this bitch. Step your game up, Mil-town. Surely the STL will crush you in this exchange.
Danny: At first thought, I wanted to pick Kopps frozen custard. But because Ted Drewes bows at the altar of Kopps, that would far too easy. I have to fit the stereotype and vouch for the greatness of cheese curds. No, we’re not healthy people in Wisconsin. But we’re not ashamed of how kickass we are. You wouldn’t be either if you were lucky enough to be a ‘Sconnie. A cheese curd is a very simple product. It’s a ball of cheese. It’s fried. It’s a little rubbery, and the good ones squeak when you eat them. Musical cheese – it’s like a dream come true!
Round 4: Slickest Rick (Ankiel vs. Weeks)
Josh: To clarify, neither of these guys hold a candle to the original Slick Rick. 80’s and fashion icon, right??? Other notables include 16 time World Champion Slick Ric Flair (better known as the Nature Boy) and Ricky Henderson. But for the sake of this argument, I’m arguing for Rick Ankiel. Now most of you read my list of things that are more patient than Rick Ankiel is in the batters box. It was hot fire. But The guy went from a hot pitching prospect to a legitimate head case who couldn’t find the strike zone if he had compass and was trapped in a box to serviceable every day outfielder who is good for making opponents salty with his glove work every couple of weeks.
Plus he played off that HGH nonsense and it only gets brought up by desperate jabroni’s and Cub strokers alike (I’m talking to you, Mr. Paschen). Ankiel had a little misunderstanding with the outfield wall a couple of weeks ago but thankfully wasn’t too worse for the wear. He’ll be back clowning in center at his usual level in no time flat.
Danny: I was thinking that I was in trouble here. Oh man, Rick Ankiel tries to kill fans by throwing pitches at them. He has a tendency to throw the ball very hard and 300 feet in distance every time. It’s great when he’s hosing people from the warning track, but it really caused problems when he was a pitcher. Plus, he had that killer fu manchu a few weeks ago. Wait, what’s that? He shaved? And then got in a fight with the outfield wall? What an idiot! What a loser!
The truest Slick Rick of All-Time (S.R.A.T.) is clearly Rickie Weeks. He hit .500 as a senior in college at Southern University and won the Golden Spikes Award for the best player in college baseball. That is simply unreal. Then he got to the majors and forgot how to pick up a ground ball. He boots the most routine of balls, he takes an easy double play ball and throws it into the dugout, he barrel rolls whenever he picks up a grounder not hit right at him (watch a gam and you’ll see what I mean) and had a tendency to strike out whenever he came to bat. But Rick is getting better – he makes a few stupid errors now and then, but he is very athletic and makes many outstanding plays. He has now stopped striking out so much and has taken up the pastime of launching dingers. It’s much more fun. But really, in the long run, a guy is most slick when his job is do something (here: pick up grounders) and he screws it up a lot, but not enough to actually lose his job. Plus, I totally came up with “Slick Rick” first.
And for the grand finale…
Round 5: Most loveable/successful fat person
Josh: I’m a little embarrassed because this topic just came to me minutes ago. With all the talk about beer and fatty food, how could we not discuss how it shaped the STL and Milwaukee notables that we know and love. Unacceptable on our part, but we’ll make the best out of it. When life hands you lemons, lick the salt and drink the Cuervo.
I got two guys for you. Titans of comedy. Large laughers. Notice all the references to them being big? Shit, I’m clever. The first guy we got is John Goodman, who went to Affton High School, about 10 minutes from where yours truly got his secondary education on.
He’s best known as the poor son of a bitch who had to put up with Roseanne’s equally hefty ass on “Roseanne” from 1988-1997. Other notable roles include Walter Sobchak in “The Big Lebowski” and as Babe Ruth in the 1992 biopic titled “The Babe.” And Lorne Michaels has a hard on for him because Goodman has hosted SNL 12 times. Can’t win ’em all, huh???
The only knock on Goodman is the fact that he is an alumnus of Missouri State University, where he got a football scholarship. I blame whoever was recruiting at Mizzou at the time for dropping the ball and not offering him a schollie. Bad form.
And to really crush Danny, I’m calling on my boy from the “Black Pack” Cedric Kyles, aka Cedric the Entertainer.
Went to Berkeley High School, where my aunt teaches English. While not the classic fat ass, Ced packs just enough pooch that it makes him that much more hilarious in his standup, where he dances in between ripping on stupid people in the audience and all in all, reppin’ the ‘Lou hard. Your ups, Danny.
Danny: This is unreal. First, you change the category on me at the last minute. Then, you bust out two fatties when the category clearly asks for one. You cheatin’ son-of-a-bitch. But I’m here to win, so get ready to taste it.
I am about to completely steal the women’s vote here by claiming the one and only Oprah Winfrey. No, she didn’t live in Milwaukee her whole life, but there’s some serious shit going on there that doesn’t need to be discussed on a baseball-ish blog. Not my point.
Oprah is the second-most important black person in America right now, behind Barack Obama (the president of hittin’ that ass – copyright by Larry David). She literally has mountains of money. She gives away tons of gifts to her guests and is generally beloved by all. According to South Park, her vagina did produce a gun and shoot someone, but once again, don’t get mad at me – get mad at the South Park creators for that one. But we all have our sore spots. She went to Nicolet High School (Boo high school rivalries!) for a while, and while I don’t like to compliment that place, she easily helps me take this title home. Oh, and don’t get all high and mighty about her weight on me. She runs back and forth between fat, big boned and relatively thick. I don’t care – we’re from Wisconsin – we don’t hate on people for being big.
You want a second one? I’m going to the movies for this one. Chris Farley (aka Tommy Callahan) in Tommy Boy. He spent seven years at Marquette and dominated his final test because as we all know, it’s HERBIE HANCOCK. He’ll sell the shit out of some brake pads, and probably eat some cheese curds while washing it all down with a Schlitz while he’s at it.