Midwest Swing Draft, Round 5:

The fifth round is underway in our 12-round draft. Check here for official explanation and rules. Let’s listen in as the action picks up with Danny’s next selection.

With the 13th overall pick in the draft, Ryan Leaf’s Comeback Attempt selects 1B Ed Helms.

Ed Helms: Getting chicks, knockin' in runs.

Ed Helms: Getting chicks, knockin' in runs.

Most of you know Ed Helms as the hilarious Andy Bernard from TV’s The Office. The show may be wrapping up a season right about now (I don’t study those schedules, I’ll leave that to the guys in the front office), but Helms won’t be disappearing from the spotlight. If you watch an excessive amount of TV like myself, you’ve seen the previews for the upcoming movie The Hangover. And from someone who loves debauchery, Las Vegas, bachelor parties, and the general ridiculousness that will likely occur in this movie, I need to pick one of the more recognizable stars right before it hits the big screen on June 5.

I think it has the potential to be the comedy of the summer along the lines of 40-year Old Virgin, Superbad and all the other instant classics preferred by immature clowns like all of us. Mike Tyson, Rob Riggle, a tiger, tasers to the face … and that’s only part of the previews. Chalk up a winner.

With the 14th pick in the Midwest Swing draft, The Winner Winner Chicken Parm Dinners, select manager Judd Apatow.

If anyone is going to manage a team full of misfits and flunkies, it has to be this guy. I mean he does it during his day job, right? Apatow has pretty much devoted his entire film career to putting the spotlight people who range from marginal to downright horrible looking and making us as an audience care about them. Put a guy like Seth Rogen or Jason Segal in a bar with no sort of fame and all they have is a sense of humor to fall back on. And as much as I enjoy jokes about dicks, queefs, and fart educed pink eye, I’m not sure chicks would see it like that.

So you got to think that this guy would be able to take a group of people that don’t mesh too well together and make them into winners. He’s like Joe Torre without an asshat of a general manager and team owner. And his work will be on display two-fold this summer: he will be an executive producer on the movie Year One starring Michael Cera and Jack Black. At first, I wasn’t looking to highly on this one but now I’m excited for it. Cera is just flat out awkward, Jack Black is nuts and with Apatow staples like Paul Rudd making appearances, it’s got potential. Plus we get some Olivia Wilde eye candy. ‘Nuff Said.

Then he will be directing Funny People starring the aforementioned Rogen and old roommate Adam Sandler. If you haven’t seen the trailer, get on YouTube and check it out. It’s going to be funny despite the understated trailer you know that Apatow always has a way of making you pee your pants one minute and feel for characters the next. It’s a remarkable talent. Like patting your head and rubbing your tummy.

Round 5, Pick 15: The Above Ground Pool Party selects Closer Public Enemies.

My closer packs heat. Literally, guns on the mound. Comin in hot!

My closer packs heat. Literally, guns on the mound. Comin' in hot!

With this selection, I’m putting my ass on the line and declaring that Public Enemies, with Christian Bale and Johnny Depp, will be the best movie that comes out this summer. That’s not easy to say, considering the wealth of titles hitting your local theatre between June and August. Terminator: Salvation, Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, and G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra (there’s a lot of semi-colons coming out this summer) will all be visually mesmerizing, but won’t have the story or the actors that Public Enemies will. Except for Terminator. That flick will have an actor — Christian Bale — but won’t have the likes of a Johnny Depp fighting for humanity or whatever it is people are fighting for in Terminator.

Anyway, the story of Public Enemies is about Chicagoan John Dillinger, a simple man with a taste for robbing banks and escaping capture. Dillinger (played by Captain Jack- er, Johnny Depp) is chased throughout the midwest (Hey look at that! That’s like us!) by FBI agent and recipient of the Iris Macadangdang memorial award for “Worst. 1930s name. Ever.” Melvin Purvis (Christian Bale). Michael Mann is the man behind the camera, and someone who should simply be known as “the reason white women aged 18-24 take long baths these days” — Channing Tatum — also co-stars.

Tommy guns! Fedoras! Trench coats! 1930s slang! Public Enemies is going to be closing for my squad until its release July 1st.


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