Bullpen Beard Off: Let Your Voices Be Heard

SWEET JESUS!!!!!!!

SWEET JESUS!!!!!!!

By Josh Mosley

We don’t really utilize the poll options on this website. Not sure why. It’s probably because we don’t really care what any of you think and that we are smarter than anyone who reads or comments on this site. Yeah, that’s probably the reason.

But superiority complexes aside, as I tuned into the Friday night game against Kansas City, I found myself astounded and impressed by a late game development. It wasn’t the Cards continuing to close out relatively close games late (I do love that but that’s a given). No, people. It was a follicle issue. I couldn’t help but be in awe of the scruffage that much maligned reliever Jason Motte was sporting. I mean, REALLY?!?!?!?! “Grizzly Adams DID had a beard?” I don’t think so six-time PGA major winner Lee Trevino. Jason Motte has a beard. Grizzly merely has a fleshy patch between his legs that used to be a beard.

But then there’s the chin sweater that Ryan Franklin has going for him. It’s groomed. It’s unique. It’s blondness gives it a certain pop every time he takes the mound. It’s what my facial hair would probably look like if I went from my third month of conception to now without shaving. Mosley’s don’t grow the thickest beards which is why we compensate with height, straight teeth and a sunny disposition.

How big of an assclown does the babyfaced square in the middle feel like?

How big of an assclown does the babyfaced square in the middle feel like?

I’m going to give a quick analysis of each hurler’s respective beard but then I’m going to leave you, the ten’s of hundreds (I hope) readers. Who has the better beard? The winner gets an invite to be the newest member of ZZ Top. Not really. My pull isn’t that big yet.
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FRANKLIN’S FOLLICLE’S: I defy anybody to walk by Ryan Franklin and not get drawn in by the fantastic work of art that is square on Franklin’s chin. I think Alex Rodriguez has taught us that baseball player’s are not above being nancy boy primpers so it wouldn’t shock me if Franklin dyes his beard. It’s awesome so you want awesome things to catch people’s attention. And it’s coiffed. Donald Trump could learn a thing or fifty about hair maintenance from Mr. Franklin.

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THE “MOTTE” STACHE: For the sake of bugs and small birds roaming in and around the metropolitan St. Louis area, let’s hope Motte doesn’t drive a motorcycle or a convertible. They’d be dead, SON!!!!!!!!!! On the plus side, Motte’s beard is so thick and manly that I am pretty sure he could ration a winter’s worth of food in there if he was running low on fridge space. He’s probably a lumberjack in the offseason.

Cast your votes in the comments section. Winners will be announced…whenever the hell I feel like it.

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