With the 16th selection, The Above Ground Pool Party selects C Textsfromlastnight.com. This little website is literally a godsend for people in need of killing any amount of time during the day. Go ahead, just go check the site out … I’ll wait. See? See? Exactly. Basically it takes all of the good things from fmylife.com and leaves behind all of the annoying, stupid things that nobody wants.
Most importantly, Texts From Last Night is the perfect signal caller for the Above Ground Pool Party. Let’s say our closer, Public Enemies, is struggling to nail the game down. Well who better to send out to the mound than TFLN?
Public Enemies: Ah applesauce! I just can’t get this guy out with the curveball!
TFLN: (850): Scream out, “Tax-Free dick over here” in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
PE: Umm, come again?
TFLN: (+44): Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
PE: Yeah, tuna fish is the cat pajamas see, but we’re in a jam here.
TFLN: (267): i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
PE: I like cake, especially cheesecake. OH! give ’em the ol’ cheese, right? Let’s mow this sucker down!
See? Instant settling down.
With the 17th pick in the sixth round, the Winner Winner Chicken Parm Dinners select 1B Spock.
I’m not a trekkie. I’ve never pretended to be one. In fact, when a teaser trailer for the new Star Trek played during that piece of shit movie Cloverfield, I let out an audible boo. It’s Star Wars or bust. But because I’m a fan of all things summer blockbuster, I decided to take it in. My take: it was good. For someone who knows nothing of the series, it was entertaining.
As far as Spock goes, he kind of acted like a bitch for 7/8’s of the movie. He tried to keep an OG like Cpt. Kirk down and he was a bit of a mama’s boy. That’s not stuff that keeps you safe on the playground. He’d probably be eating sand. But here’s why I say Spock gets the nod at first. For starters, he bagged a nice looking lady like Ahora (played by a fine dime piece named Zoe Saldana. Schwing!!!!). I don’t know what one would call a Vulcan with jungle fever but Spock has it. If he can bag a hottie like that with ears that look like the apex of a wish bone, we can all have some faith.
Next, he has the vulcan nerve grip. Can anyone say no one would get past first base. Thus the starting pitcher keeps a sickly low ERA, and thus the Parm Dinners dominate that category week in and week out. Treatment.
Lastly, the guy is so smart he could probably think a ball out of the park 30-40 times a year. Why not every time? Spock has this unnatural attachment to logic. Moving baserunners. Sac flies. The whole she-bang a bang. In fact, if Judd Apatow fucks up this team, we got a manager in waiting in Spock. Everyone wins.
With the 18th overall selection and final pick of the 6th round, Ryan Leaf’s Comeback Attempt selects RF Lionel Messi.
Let’s list off the obvious reasons for making such a great pick. He has sick flow, he likes keeping it gnarly, he’s fast as shit (in this instance, shit is very fast), he gives great hope to short dudes everywhere (he’s 5’6” – if he’s lucky) and he’s the best player on the best club soccer team in the world. He also starts for the Argentina national team when it comes to international play, and is considered the next Diego Maradona. (Note to non-soccer fans: That’s not an insult. In fact, it’s a ridiculously high compliment.) His nickname is The Flea, and he is better than you at life.
His girlfriend is quite attractive (no shit, right?) and she’s older (22 to Messi’s 21). She’s from his native Argentina, and if he can lock down a girl like this from half a world away, you know he’s doing work.
His club team just locked down a most impressive treble (Copa del Rey, La Liga and the Champions League) and he’s almost certainly a lock to win World Player of the Year. With this fast little dude patrolling the outfield with The Temptations and whoever I choose to play in left, there is no way I get scored on. You know, or I wouldn’t get scored on if there were any rules to this game.