Reason #1 why baseball is better than most other sports: Less meth.

by Andy Paschen

Maybe this will be a new segment here at Midwest Swing, maybe not, but I want to call attention to some reasons why I like baseball more than most other sports. I won’t lie, it might not be my favorite sport. The World Series certainly isn’t my favorite event (The World Cup takes that hands down), and my love for football and football (soccer) easily rivals baseball, and could possibly surpass it.

But there are hundreds of other sports out there in the big blue world, and 99% of them are less awesome than baseball. And in our inaugural “Reasons why baseball is better than most other sports,” we take a look at NASCAR, specifically, NASCAR drivers that test positive for meth.

Now I’m no hillbilly, I don’t know much about meth. Pre-Wikipedia, I can tell you 4 facts about meth.

  • Cooking meth by meth heads leads to exploding hotel rooms, trailers.
  • Meth mouth is gross. Really gross. In fact, this link right here will take you to a Google image search of meth mouth. Don’t do it. Don’t click on that link. Unless you are bulimic and haven’t purged today, please don’t click on that link.
  • Missouri (the state, not the University. Go Tigers!) is the meth capitol of the world.
  • The Great Barstoolio made a great parody of an especially gruesome anti-meth ad campaign.

But even with my limited knowledge of meth, I find it hard to believe that a multi-million dollar investment (such as a racing team) could literally be put in the hands of someone on meth without grave consequences. (Also, if this doesn’t immediately answer the question, “Are race car drivers athletes?” (answer: no)  then I don’t know what does.) So, in the spirit of sleuthing, I found out what meth does.

According to very reputable sources (read: Wikipedia)

Psychological effects

Psychological effects can include euphoria, anxiety, increased libido, increased alertness, increased concentration, increased energy, increased self-esteem, increased self-confidence, increased excitation, increased orgasmic intensity, increased sociability, increased irritability, increased aggression, psychomotor agitation, hubris, excessive feelings of power and/or superiority, repetitive and/or obsessive behaviors, paranoia, and with chronic and/or high doses, amphetamine psychosis can occur.

Well, no wonder NASCAR drivers, rednecks and the illiterate use this drug: it’s the ulitmate shot of confidence. Euphoria? Increased Libido? Increased self-esteem? Why is this even illegal in the first place?

Physical effects

Physical effects can include anorexia, hyperactivity, dilated pupils, flushing, restlessness, dry mouth, headache, tachycardia, bradycardia, tachypnea, hypertension, hypotension, hyperthermia, diaphoresis, diarrhea, constipation, blurred vision, aphasia, dizziness, muscle twitches, insomnia, numbness, palpitations, arrhythmias, tremors, dry and/or itchy skin, acne, pallor, and with chronic and/or high dosages, convulsions, heart attack, stroke and death can occur.

Oh. Let’s see, acne? That’s seems to cancel out the increased libido. Hyperthermia? Excessive sweating does not help either. Diarrhea? Stroke? Death? I’d like to steer clear of all of that, please. Also, they forgot increased likelihood to star in an episode of Cops, increased jorts dependency and decreased ability to not look like the cryptkeeper.

Back to the point though. Sure, some baseball players are on more drugs than a Keith Richards/Amy Winehouse love-child (Go Above Ground Pool Party!), but usually those drugs don’t include meth. Maybe for some wayward minor league players that go down some long, self-destructive road, sure, meth happens. But big leaguers? I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure you need to be able to get more than 12 minutes of sleep before heading to the mound in order to pitch effectively.

Hey, call me a sports Hebrew, but I like my meth and my sports on separate plates – mixing the two is definitely not Kosher. Whether it’s smoking it, snorting it, injecting it or … um … inserting it into your anus — meth ain’t cool NASCAR, and it’s one of many reasons why baseball is better than NASCAR.

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2 Comments

Filed under The Rest

2 responses to “Reason #1 why baseball is better than most other sports: Less meth.

  1. Pingback: Good Links, Lofty Links « The Rookies

  2. Mary

    How come D.A.R.E. has no gotten on that meth mouth image search. Al & I both upchucked a little in our mouths.

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