It’s a question as old a time itself, if time started around the turn of the 20th century. A question discussed through the ages from Rogers Park to the Wild 100s, Lake Michigan to The Arch. It’s a question without a quantifiable answer, until now. Who should Cubs fans hate more, the Chicago White Sox or the St. Louis Cardinals?
Admittedly, this debate has seen some daylight on this here Web site before, but I am a journalist, and when my reporting needs to be fair and biased I will do just that. The categories of hate have been evenly divided into these categories: players, fans, history, success and a special wild card category that is completely subjective and un-journalistic. As the Joker would say, “Here, we, go.” I will have different posts for different categories throughout the next three days, and on Thursday you will all discover who deserves to be hated more.
Who has more hateable players, Sox or Cardinals? It’s a good question, filled with players I detest more than a Sandra Bullock movie or black licorice. For the White Sox, the list starts and ends with A.J. Pierzynski, a callous, class-less douchebag who only did one good thing in his entire playing career: take one in the face from Michael Barrett. Pierzinksi has been called many things in his life, clubhouse cancer, a dirty player and a bad tipper (ok, those last two were things I said) — but really, to quote Michael Scott of The Office fame, “I hate so much about the things you choose to be.” (Bonus hate goes out to Ozzie Guillen — more as a manager than a player who hit .259 against the Cubs in 16 games — as well as Albert Belle and ultimate Cub-killer Paul Konerko — .305 avg, 14 HR and 38 RBIs.)
For the Redbirds, there is a literal laundry list of players I hate including but not limited to Albert Pujols (for being so damn good an apparently the only slugger from the steroid era not actually on steroids), Mark McGuire (for beating out Sammy Sosa in the great home run chase of 1998) Fernando Vina and David Eckstein (for their scrappiness) among others. But really, my hatred for Cardinals begins and ends with one smug, ugly face: Jim Edmonds. I hate Jim Edmonds because he was a Cub killer (he hit more home runs — 32 — against the Cubs than any other team), because he always waited on fly balls to make “spectacular catches!” out of routine outs, because he wore t-shirts that bared his midrift and because his face looks like that of an old, ugly bulldog.
Finally, I especially hate him because the Cubs signed him last year and he was relativly productive for them. I’m sorry, I know I should forgive him for all of his past sins once he converted to the blue pinstripes, but I cannot forgive. He was, and might still be, the baseball player I’ve hated more than any other player to step in the batters box or on the mound, and because of that I have to give St. Louis the edge in this category.