Midwest Swing Draft, Round 8

The eighth round is underway in our 12-round draft. Sure it’s taken us multiple weeks to get this far, but I still think we’re faster than the NFL. Check here for official explanation and rules. Let’s listen in as the action picks up with Andy’s next selection.

With the 22nd pick in the draft, the Above Ground Pool Party selects 1B, 100 Bullets’ 13th and final graphic novel: Wilt.

The cover of issue #100 of 100 Bullets.

The cover of issue #100 of 100 Bullets.

Nerd alert: I like comic books. They are like never-ending movies, without the moving part. They also help keep my internal age hovering somewhere around 13, which I find very helpful when I watch The O.C. But 100 Bullets is more than just nerd wanking material, it is some of the finest noir storytelling that would make even the most die-hard Quentin Tarantino fans say, “Ok, maybe that was a little better than Q.”

To even try and begin to explain what the entire series is about would be a slap in its face, but I can tell you this much. 100 untraceable bullets that can be used to settle your worst score, suits, drunks, assassins, power, lust, greed, drugs, money and more. I know, it’s truly amazing. 100 Bullets is going to man first base for my squad, and because the mystery has been fully woven in the first 12 installements (after a comic book is released, certain issues are bound together chronologically then re-released as graphic novels) 100 Bullets is either going to score huge or flounder — it’s feast or famine here people.

With the 23rd pick, the Winner Winner Chicken Parm Dinners select SS Calvin.

Not the philosopher. Not the degree of force (though he is a force to be reckoned with). No. The beloved comic strip character. BAM PASCHEN. Live by the sword, die by the sword. You say this league is “Calvinball” rules so why not draft the guy who created, and is still creating, the game of Calvin ball.

Clearly this was what A-Rod was going for in his "Details" photo spread.

Clearly this was what A-Rod was going for in his "Details" photo spread.

Let’s start with the facts: Calvin might be the smartest kid on the face of the earth. Eat it Smart Guy. He scams, he talks back and snaps on the parents, which we all wished we could do when we were young whipper snappers. He’s a 7-year-old’s 7-year-old. Go on Facebook and check out the Calvin and Hobbes quote application. The kid has nuggets of genius for everyday of the year.

Example 1: “Some days, even my lucky rocketship underpants won’t help.”
(What guy doesn’t think that every night in bed?)

Category R: “Girls are like slugs. They serve some purpose but we aren’t sure what.”
(Said the guy who just got shot down by a random sorostitute in a bar).

Why is he playing shortstop? The kid can think on his feet. Ball hits a rock and Calvin snags it from sure basehit-dom. Need a double play or smart fielding? Holler at Calvin. Offensively, all he has to do is mouth off to Hobbes and he’s guaranteed an inside the park home run. Run like your pants are on fire or a tiger is chasing you. Well, an imaginary tiger, is and that’s enough for me.

With the 24th pick, Ryan Leaf’s Comeback Attempt completes the 8th round by selecting RP The Final Destination.

Unintentional comedy at its finest

Unintentional comedy at its finest

I hope that you’ve seen at least one of the Final Destination movies. They come out at the rate of Fast & Furious flicks, so I’m sure you’ve run into at least one. Plus, they have high replay value on late-night cable because they are oh so outrageous. Well, on August 28, be prepared for the final onslaught of movie gold from this series.

For the uninformed, the general premise is that once Fate decides you’re going to die, you can’t escape it. Some dastardly 20-year-old foresees an event that would destroy their friends, they avert disaster, and then they spend the rest of the movie avoiding death as their friends go down one-by-one in hysterical fashion. It’s not that death in itself is hysterical but these movies live off their unintentional comedy. These people don’t die of heart attacks or swine flu, but they get their head stuck in an elevator going up. A propane tank explodes and the charred body lands on the grill. Yes, those things happened, and it was hilariously bad.

But beyond these ridiculous movie storylines, check this shit out. You know the Air France flight from Brazil to France that went down in the Atlantic a few weeks ago? Well, an Italian couple arrived at the airport late and missed the flight. One of the luckiest breaks of all-time. They flew back to Europe the next day and began driving home to Italy. Somewhere in the Austrian countryside, their car swerved and drilled an oncoming truck. The woman died and the man was seriously injured. I don’t want to mock anyone’s death because that’s just not cool – but damn. Who knew this was real??

Check out the preview for the newest Final Destination movie. I’ll leave you with this little ditty – it involves NASCAR (CARL!), a rock in the grass, a lawnmower and somebody’s face no longer being intact. Oscar award, anyone? I think so.

At the end of the game against Ryan Leaf’s Comeback Attempt, your final destination is pwned. Boom.


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