Midwest Swing Draft, Round 10

Finally! The 10th and final round of the Midwest Swing Fantasy Baseball draft is upon us. It feels good to stretch out something that should have lasted no more than ten days into a month-long affair. This must be how Michael Mann felt after he watched Miami Vice. Anyway, let’s pick up the action with The Above Ground Pool Party’s final selection. Remember, if you can’t figure out the rules to our little game, go here. And if you need links to all of the other round, check out Andy’s “Read It” page here.

With the first pick in the final round of the Midwest Swing Fantasy Baseball Draft, The Above Ground Pool Party selects RF The Real World: Cancun predictions.

This is the story where eight people stop being nice, and start drunkenly fornicating in a communal hot tub.

This is the story where eight people stop being nice and start drunkenly fornicating in a communal hot tub.

Full disclosure (because if we are nothing in the journalism world, we are transparent): I hate reality TV. It offers nothing of value and actually corrodes our beautiful, American way of life by creating celebrities who aren’t actually celebrities (Thanks again for Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Trichelle, New York, Daisy, Omarosa and that chick who is married to one of the Brady Bunch. Really. They have offered so much to society, this world is a far better place knowing that people actually spend time out of their day to find out what these people are doing with the time in their day.) and destroying what few refuges we have left. Movies, comic books, TV, internet porn. Sigh, now I have to masturbate 12% more.

That being said, I broke my own rule and decided to watch the first episode of The Real World: Cancun. Why? Because except for Vegas, Cancun is probably the worst place you can put eight idiots and hope they don’t destroy themselves through promiscuity, alcohol abuse and possibly IV drugs (fingers crossed!). And by God, I wasn’t disappointed at the crack team of fools MTV dug up for this one. Let’s run down some numbers:

4th: ranked college punter in the country that CJ is, an NFL free agent which means, in his own words, “I’m not tied down to any one NFL team.” Well it is nice not to be tied down, but I’m pretty sure you are a NFL free agent because nobody wants you.
2: chicks whose previous employer was the fine-dining chain of restaurants known as Hooters. God knows if you want to meet intelligent, thought provoking people, you start an conversation with your waitress at Hooters.
1: promise piercing on the ring finger of the hot chick Jonna (pronounced John-nay or Joe-nay or some shit). It’s exactly as dumb as it sounds.

I promise not to bang another person in the house until episode four.

"I promise not to bang another person in the house until episode four."

Now, for my draft, I am going to make a few predictions. If they happen, I get points. If not? Well, nobody will remember this post.

  • Emilee and CJ are so totally going to hook-up! (If you read that in a Valley accent, it makes you dry heave that much easier)
  • Eventually, everybody is going to hate pop-punk, non-conformist Joey more often than they like him. Why? Because he’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind — or some inane, cliche reason like that.
  • Ayiiia is going to be the craziest bitch in that house. Why? Her name is all vowels. If you are a woman, the more unnecessary vowels you have in your name, the crazier you are. Ashley might yell at you, but Ashlee will fucking cut you. And God help you if Ayiiia is mad at you.
  • Bronne is going to be the favorite guy of the fans. He’s got everything going for him. He won’t piss off the redneck fans like the gay guy, he won’t piss off the ugly fans like pretty-boy CJ and he won’t piss off all of the fans like Joey. Plus, he’s already sucked face with a NASTY 40-year-old mom and puked on CJ’s shoes, what’s not to like?

With the second pick of the final round of the Midwest Swing Draft, the Winner Winner Chicken Parm Dinners select RF Horrible Missouri Summers.

Chins up, pups. The fall will be here soon enough.

Chins up, pups. The fall will be here soon enough.

As I have learned in my 23 years and three weeks on this earth, there are not too many things on this earth that are “sure things.” Among those making the cut are the following: dogs and cats will hate each other, the Israeli/Palestinian conflict will go on and Oprah will see some sort of drastic weight fluctuation sooner rather than later.

One more I’d like to add: the great (?) state of Missouri will have some sort of disgusting stretch of summer weather before the fall comes around. How do I know this? Because I am a product of a household that, in the summer of ’06, lost power due to a wicked thunderstorm and was forced out of his house by an ensuing heat wave that left many a St. Louisian shaken, steaming and stirred. Your boy has sweated his way through many a short sleeved shirt and slacks while commuting down town. Believe that. So I put this guy in right for the fact that the heat wave can knock cats out with a quickness and throw out the routine runner at third base from right in a second. Try and run from it. Seriously. It’ll be the last thing you ever do.

With the final pick of the final round, the one that some may call Mr. Irrelevant, Ryan Leaf’s Comeback Attempt selects C Gus Johnson.

Nobody is more excited than this guy. Nobody.

Nobody is more excited than this guy. Nobody.

To the uninformed, Gus Johnson is a television announcer for CBS Sports. He announces NFL games in the fall, but makes his mark doing college basketball on the network in the winter and spring. He saves his best for the NCAA Tournament, and when the game is close at the end, every single human being in the world hopes and prays that Johnson is on the call.

While there are probably better compilation videos out there, a prominent one is here. Sure, it’s a Fort Minor mash-up, but you get the idea. You can hear almost immediately the inaudible shrieking, the made-up words, the pure and unadultered joy that goes with a last-second shot. BYNUM … TO THE BUCKET!!

As my team’s catcher, he’ll be counted on in the crucial moments when the pitcher is under the most pressure. BAUTISTA WITH THE CATCH …

I still think my favorite comes from the Ohio State-Xavier game (starting at the 2:18 mark of the above video). When Ron Lewis cashes that deep 3-ball to send the game into overtime, Johnson has no idea what to say. He’s so damn excited, he just makes a “ba-ha” type noise. And the monstrous “HA-HA” going into the commercial break is too money for words.

That’s not enough for you? Gus Johnson drops an absolute bomb on Spike Lee in the greatest professional use of “pause” in journalistic history. For reference, if some guy says something real gay, like “I love you” to another guy, they are supposed to say “no homo” immediately after in order to make sure it’s not taken the wrong way. Immature? Quite. Homophobic? Maybe. Hilarious? Yes.

Well, if a dude says something like that and forgets to say “no homo”, another conversation participant needs to say “pause” so they realize their mistake. But I mean, nobody would do that to Spike Lee. Especially not a journalist during a real interview. Unless you’re as awesome as Gus Johnson

In fact, there should be a rule instituted for the NCAA Tournament that Gus Johnson be provided with a supersonic jet deployed to get him on site in time to make the call of any and all close basketball games. In the final moments, nobody is as clutch as Gus Johnson. You are getting absolutely nothing by this guy.


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