It’s a question as old a time itself, if time started around the turn of the 20th century. A question discussed through the ages from Rogers Park to the Wild 100s, Lake Michigan to The Arch. It’s a question without a quantifiable answer, until now. Who should Cubs fans hate more, the Chicago White Sox or the St. Louis Cardinals? (Part one is here. Two, here. Three, here)
Now it’s time for the category that I love to hate the most: the fans. Say what you want about players, wins and losses, management or anything else — people generally have the most interaction with teams through their fans, and since that’s the case I can safely say that the White Sox and Cardinals are two of the worst franchises in all of sports. And in all honesty, I hate the Green Bay Packers more than I hate either team, I hate the USC Trojans more than I hate either team, but I still find White sox and Cardinals fans insufferable.
White Sox: Besides the fact that White Sox fans are the classless-iest of the bunch (proof of that here), White Sox fans suffer from what I call “The unimportant step-child syndrome.” The idea is this: in Chicago, the Cubs are more important than the White Sox. This is a fact. There is really nothing more to say about this. Ask any White Sox fan you know, if you are unlucky enough to know any.
Because they are less important, they have to figure out ways to gain attention from their parents (in this analogy the people of Chicago), and it can manifest itself in many ways. Some step-children bust their ass to make their parents proud, other disown their parents, but the White Sox fans don’t do either of those things. Instead, they vent their frustration and are assholes to the other child — fans of the Cubs. So what ends up happening is a laundry list of tired insults that in someway reference either the fact that the Cubs don’t have “real fans” at Wrigley, that Wrigley is a giant gay bar or that the Cubs haven’t won a World Series in 100+ years.
Cardinals: Maybe the only thing worse than the type of White Sox fan I described above is the Cardinal fan. Because they are from the St. Louis, a “city” that is actually a glorified town with a stupid arch, they have a massive Napoleon complex when it comes to Chicago.
But that’s a discussion for another time. But the Napoleon complex does funnel into the Cardinal fandom, where you cannot have a single conversation about baseball with most Cardinal fans without them bringing up three things.
- St. Louis is “the greatest baseball city in the world,” and “baseball heaven.”
- Albert Pujols is the GREATEST HITTER OF ALL-TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD THAT HAS EVER PLAYED EVER AND THERE IS NO WAY THAT HE IS ON STEROIDS EVEN THOUGH EVERY HITTER THAT HAS HIT LIKE HIM IN THE LAST DECADE ENDED UP GETTING OUTED FOR PEDS.
- The Cardinals are superior to the Cubs in every imaginable way. In fact, even comparing the Cubs to the Cardinals in anything is like comparing the collected works of The Beatles to Linkin Park.
It’s the same as the White Sox, except instead of hearing about how bad the Cubs are, I have to hear about how great the Cardinals fans. Same message, different vessel at the end of the day though.
But here’s the funny thing about that St. Louisians and White Soxites don’t understand about their yapping — nobody in Chicago blue cares, and it only makes you look worse. Why? Because when I cheer for the Cubs, I don’t do it by cheering against the White Sox or comparing the Cubs to the Cardinals, because I simply don’t care about those two clubs. I like the Cubs, that’s what is important to me and I could honestly give a fuck what the Cardinals and White Sox are doing. At the end of the day, I’ll never be happier about the Cardinals/White Sox losing than I will be sad about the Cubs losing. To me, the failures of the White Sox and Cardinals is the cherry on top, not the Sundae.
And because of that beautiful truth, I know that the less I care about the Cardinals and White Sox, the more it bothers them. It’s like when you hear a guy bad-mouthing a hot chick that he can’t get with. Sure, maybe he’s telling you the truth when he says he would never want to be with her or try and hook up with her then lists all of her faults in succession. But I like to believe, deep down, he really likes her, and it breaks his heart that he can’t do anything about it. So to all of those Cardinals and White Sox fans out there — I know the truth, I know you know it’s way better being a Cubs fan than a fan of whatever second-rate club you follow, and the more you hate on the Cubs, the more I can see it. Edge: Even