By Josh Mosley
I find it hard to care about the All-Star game outside the Home Run Derby. When you have extra inning thrillers like last season, my interest is peaked but aside from that, I could care less. I care even less about the Celebrity Softball game. “Yippee!!! We’re more famous than you and we like to play sports!! Pay attention to me.”
But two combustible personalities could make the softball game more watchable than the actual baseball game. Ladies and gents, I present All Star celeb softball game participants Bob Knight and Billy Bob Thornton. Set your TiVo’s and have YouTube on standby.
So to show just awesome this could be, here’s a tail of the tape of each psychopath…I mean each participant. If God loves me (and I like to think so), he’ll put them on opposing teams. And have beer in the dugout. And the network censors will take a long dinner break.
Name: Robert Montgomery Knight
Claims to fame: Mens’ college basketball’s all-time leader in wins as a coach, overzealous disciplinarian, innovator of the chair discus.
Knight nugget of wisdom: “All of us learn to write in second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.”
Analysis: Three national titles, 902 wins and a noted friend of Cards skipper Tony La Russa. Nicknamed the General (because he’ll kill your ass if you fail) he led the 1976 Indiana Hoosiers to an undefeated season and the national title. That’s cool and all but he’s best known for being f-in certifiable if done wrong. He chokes kids. He berates the media (though in an ironic twist, he is a part of the media) and he runs man defense. MAN DEFENSE!!! For examples of his madness, see exhibit’s A, 2 and D.
If he can throw a chair like that, imagine what he can do with a softball. FRIGHTENING.
Name: William Robert Thornton
Claims to fame: Oscar winner, Cardinals fan, automobile exhibitionist, banged Angelina Jolie.
Billy Bob blurb: “I quit flying five years ago. I don’t want to die with tourists.”
Analysis: They could have stopped with the General and I would have been excited about this game. But Billy Bob? He’s already okay with me for being a Redbirds fan. But he then he married and banged the world’s sexiest humanitarian BEFORE she was a humanitarian. Sure he wore her blood around his neck but love knows no bounds, right?
For my money his best cinematic work is Bad Santa. But until the holiday season comes around, this radio interview he did this past spring will be what people think of when they say his name. Enjoy.
Fantasy at-bat: Bobby is pitching and Billy Bob has the stick. Bobby decides to go inside with a high fastball up and in that pushes Billy Bob off the plate. Billy Bob gets pissed. Bobby has a bullpen fold up chair on standby that he flings at Thornton. Thornton is hit. Shaken but not out of the fight. Bobby charges Billy only to see Thornton take his vial of blood and throws it in Knight’s face temporarily blinding him. Billy Bob pulls off his trucker hat, yells FINISH HIM and uses his bat to decapitate Knight. Then to add the cherry on top, Thornton attends every red carpet premiere with a necklace featuring Knight’s rotting head where the vile of Angelina’s blood used to be. GAME. OVER.