Good afternoon, astute readers of Midwest Swing. You probably saw the title of the post and found yourself searching the memory bank for the last time you heard such a question. The answer: May 15. You’re welcome.
In the spirit of the Cards and the Crew starting another 3-game set tonight, we have something fancy in mind: five more subjects that compare the two cities. You’ll get analysis. You’ll get closure. You’ll get wowsers in your trousers…Ok maybe not, but you’ll sure love it.
So sit back. Strap in and get ready to see what kind of clowning we can do when we have computers in front of us and time to kill. And don’t forget to throw in your own two cents in the comments. Now jump with us …
Round One: Which city has the best rapper?
Josh: Danny, Danny, Danny. If this were around ten years ago, this question would be somewhat up for debate. You could have come to me with Brett Favre and, due to what a thug he USED to be, he would have been a viable candidate. But the 21st century hit, computers still functioned, Favre developed ovaries and the world met Cornell Haynes a.k.a. Nelly. Now Nelly has lost his sack in recent years also with his string of weak sauce tracks (SweatSuit?!?!!?!).
But Nelly circa 2000-2003 was the truth. “Country Grammar” is on a short list of the best hip-hop albums of the decade and “Nellyville” was a suitable follow-up disc.
Danny: Hey man, I’ll vouch for the hotness of Nelly. I still think “Batter Up” is the best baseball-related rap song in history. And our fair blog here shares the same name as a good Nelly song. But he’s played out. Milwaukee has never been huge in the rap game (yet!), but we do lay claim to one-hit wonder extraordinaire Coo Coo Cal and the stellar “In My Projects.” I may be forced to concede this category to the masses, but watch out for up-and-coming Streetz & Young Deuces. My personal favorite is the ode to Mil-town, “Welcome 2 Da Mil“. I may not live near any of the areas they’re talking about, but shit, I’ve driven through ’em before. So we’re basically brothers.
Round Two: Which city has the best non-rap musician?
Danny: The list here is long and it’s good. Most of these guys don’t play music that is my cup of tea, if you will, but I know it’s music revered by many. Howie Epstein (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers member), Gordon Gano (Violent Femmes, a Milwaukee band – think Raisin in the Sun), Liberace (no joke – he loves the 414), Eric Benet (R&B singer, also once married to Halle Berry – bonus points!), Les Paul (the guitar guy – my lack of knowledge about the man probably pisses some people off, but we all know who he is), the list goes on with famous frontmen and group members.
But the best is Steve Miller from, yes, the Steve Miller Band. Born in Milwaukee and a graduate of Wisconsin, Miller is known by all for hits like “The Joker”, “Fly Like an Eagle”, “Take the Money and Run”, and “Swingtown”. Of course, they are one of the better rock bands of all-time and Miller reps the Mil-town quite well. Even if you don’t like the music, go to a Wisconsin Badger football game and try not to rock out when they play “Swingtown”. I dare you.
Josh: You know Danny, I was about to give you props for Steve Miller. He was a solid pick. Keyword “was” because I have trump cards. Count ’em. CARDS!!! MULTIPLE. First of all, your boy Steve Miller wouldn’t even be a crap stain on a retired vets tighty whity’s if not for Chuck F-in Berry. The architect of Rock and Roll. The grandfather of guitar hot fire. Here’s a wicked googly for you that will ultimately make my point.
Jealous? You should be. Because the guy brings the noise. Discard his exploits in the bathrooms at Blueberry Hill in the U. City Loop and that’s what you got. A pioneer. But if you don’t dig Chuck B., try this one on for size. The next time you bob your head to the soundtrack of “O’ Brother Where Art Thou'” remember that the crafter of that sound was St. Louis’ own T-Bone Burnett. Watch the video Danny and you, too, will be a man of constant sorrow.
Now go get me a set of left-handed golf clubs and a bottle of fresh Cambodian breast milk. I only drink the FINEST breast milks.
Round Three: Which is the better ballpark experience: Miller Park or Busch Stadium?
Josh: I may have to turn in my clown card after telling you readers that I have been to ONE baseball game at Busch since becoming legal. But believe me it was a good one that required me to only tip the waitresses and not embarrass myself (easier said than done, amiright?). With that said, on a reasonably warm night and with a good game, I’ll say Busch Stadium is as good a baseball venue as any. It would certainly trounce Miller Park. You got Keiner Plaza and the “Outfield” before game days. Keiner Plaza’s fountain is dyed red on opening day and for playoff games. Busch fans are respectful for the most part and love throwing back the excessively priced hooch. Bud products are the norm which automatically makes it better than Miller. I could go on but we have other topics to get to and Danny can only see so much of his parks faults before he starts to tear up.
Danny: I’ve been to new Busch Stadium. It’s not a terrible time. Cool view of the city, yada yada. To me, a day going to a Birds game is like a day going to any baseball game around the country. Not a bad thing, but unique enough to be sweet. Miller Park is different. It’s an experience.
First, nobody can knock the park itself. Great views from everywhere, cheap tickets, a retractable roof so games never get rained out, and it’s comfortable when the weather’s beautiful. The real treat, however, is before the game. At any given home game, the parking lots will be filled three hours before first pitch with people tailgating, grilling, drinking heavily, playing bags (it’s not cornhole, that’s for Beavis and Butthead) and having a great time. People are friendly, sharing food, beer and only really talking down to Cubs fans. But they deserve it. It’s 81 college football home games during the summer. It’s America. And then you go inside a great park and watch the Crew pwn some clowns.
Round Four: Which city has the better “wrong side of the tracks”?
Josh: What’s so difficult about living in Milwaukee? Oh no!!! A stray piece of cheese. I hope it hasn’t gone bad. Dare I eat it and find out. SEE YA!!!!! There’s a reason St. Louis held down the highest murder numbers as recently as two years ago. I dare some of you Favre jersey havin’, Wrangler rockin’, Miller drinkin’ lookin’ ass Sconnies to take a step into North St. Louis. But walk softly because it may be the last thing you ever do. ON THIS EARTH!!!!
One time I was in North St. Louis and I saw this dude wearing a white fitted Cards hat, a red polo and dark blue jeans with some grey Jordan’s. About two seconds after crossing on to the corner of Dr. Martin Luther King and Tucker, he got clubbed with a wiffle ball bat and rendered unconscious with what he thought was ammonia but was actually a canine anesthesia from the vet’s office next door. They took his gear, pawned his chains and then shat in his hat for good measure. I seent him. I SEENT HIM!!!! You might ask: why didn’t you call the police? Well readers, that is the reason that I am making this post doped up on morphine and taking dumps in a bedpan. Andy Paschen wasn’t lying- SNITCHES GET STITCHES.
Danny: Big words from a soft ass dude that is too soft to ever visit the mean streets of Milwaukee there, Josh. Another thing, Brent Farve or whatever his name is lived in Green Bay, which is more than two hours north of Milwaukee. And we’re not talking about the Fox River Valley hood here. So get ya story straight. Ahem, back to the matter at hand.
Milwaukee has its share of nasty neighborhoods. Like those mentioned in the above song by Streetz & Young Deuces. And not those anywhere in the vicinity of where I grew up (hooray for spoiled kids!). But the farther west you get in the greater Milwaukee area, you’re no longer on scenic Lake Michigan and in the lovely downtown area. As you cross Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Drive (Hey, I have untold amounts of respect for what that great man did, but any street renamed in his honor has a tendency to be in a shitty neighborhood. It’s true, check it out) and head towards Locust Avenue, it ain’t pretty. Then you run into a crazy motherf—er like Michael Lock. And you realize Milwaukee isn’t all fun and games. I know you don’t have the patience/reading skills to take in this whole account, but peruse if you’re at all interested in violent crime and wild mob syndicates. The Preacher’s Mob preys on people, Tay, and it’d be wise not to hate on their city.
Round Five: Which city should get a team first – a St. Louis NBA team or a Milwaukee NHL team?
To set the stage for the final category, a NBA team in STL and a NHL team in Milwaukee would give each city all four major sports teams (if you count the Packers as a Milwaukee franchise, which is essentially the case).
Danny: There are some things about the NHL I’ll never understand. Puck is a cold weather sport – everyone knows that. So why do you have struggling teams in Tampa, Miami (the Panthers), and Phoenix whose fans are at the beach or on the golf course while Milwaukeeans cheer on an AHL franchise (albeit a dominant one … fire up Admirals!) at the Bradley Center? Sure, it’s tough to establish a dynasty as a minor league club, but the Admirals are always near the top of the league in attendance and are constantly in the hunt for the Calder Cup, and that’s despite the Nashville Predators stealing our best come playoff time. If the city can get a new arena – hell, we’ll lose the Bucks if we don’t replace the Bradley Center soon, I demand Gary Bettman get his self together and award Milwaukee with a NHL team.
Josh: This one could go either way, but for now let me show you folks why the ‘Lou needs the NBA. First off, if you liked that Boston Celtics dynasty in the late 1950’s and all through the 1960’s, you’ll see that there was a temporary hiccup in said dynasty. That hiccup happened to be the 1957 St. Louis Hawks: YOUR NBA Champions. They peaced a few years later and we were supposed to be satisfied with the fucking Spirits of St. Louis from the ABA. The ABA was the truth but still was swallowed into the association. I’ll make a bold statement and say that I feel if an NBA team came to St. Louis, that the city would embrace them above the Rams. Sound odd? Maybe so but the fact is, the Rams have pissed on a lot of their goodwill with the people of St. Louis. Why do you think the city is so apathetic about them possibly skippin’ out? An NBA team comes in with a clean slate, a ready made arena (the KielSavviTrade Center) and a city that embraces high school hoops and would gladly take on an NBA team.
Plus, it’s unacceptable to me that there is basketball in Canada and not in St. Louis. See Mehigan’s argument about pro hockey in Florida and not Mil-town. UNREAL!!!!!