You Want Derby Shenanigans? You Got ‘Em!

Dingers and drinking? Absolutely.

Dingers and drinking? Absolutely.

The MLB all-star break is upon us, and it’ll be a refreshing break for the majority of the league’s players. However, eight of the game’s power hitters don’t even get a day off, as they head to St. Louie for the spectacle that is the home run derby on Monday night. In the National League, it’s all first basemen – Albert Pujols, Prince Fielder, Ryan Howard and Adrian Gonzalez. The AL sends out Joe Mauer, Carlos Pena, Brandon Inge and Nelson Cruz to amaze the masses.

Some people knock the Derby as ruining players’ swings and being worthless beyond another way for the league to make a shit ton of money. Well, they are entirely correct. But it still doesn’t mean that watching Sammy Sosa launch steroid-aided BOMBS in 2002 at Miller Park wasn’t one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen in person. Honestly, sometimes I can’t even hit a golf ball that far – and I’m halfway decent at the game. Hell, I think they should get a metal bat for the last two outs of each round just to see how far they can launch dingers. That being said, the Derby isn’t just for the people in the stands to see homers and people at home to attempt suicide after Chris Berman yells “BACK BACK BACK” 37 times in a row like we weren’t expecting a home run. It’s for binge drinking (obviously – what isn’t?)! Jump with me for the easy explanation and clowning to follow …

You don’t have to be a seasoned college binge drinker to understand what a “power hour” is, but just in case, the Home Run Derby sets up perfectly for a baseball-ized version of the game. You’ll need a shot glass for each participant and a case (or two) of delicious brew – say, easy drinkin’ Busch Light, to honor St. Louis on this night. The rules are easy: every time someone hits a homer, you take a shot of beer. Simple enough. You might think that’s too much – but don’t forget that some guys flame out with only three dingers or so, and there are commercials every five minutes (remember – MLB is just trying to make money tonight). So there’s a lot of time to rest – I still don’t suggest having a side beer though. That could come back to haunt you. Like last year, when Josh Hamilton hit 28 bombs in the first round. Wow. So much for sobriety, amiright?

If you’re lucky enough to be free on Tuesday morning, or if you don’t care enough to possibly be hungover, I’d enjoy your Monday night with some Home Run Derby Drinking. For some added intrigue, assign a player to your fellow contestants based on hometown or favorite team and make them drink double when he goes deep. If you don’t have such a player in the derby, drink double whenever Prince goes yard tonight in my honor. You’ll thank me (or hate me) tomorrow.


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