by Andy Paschen
I am a many that wears many hats. Writer, Evanstonian, philosophizer, amateur crocodile wrestler — all of these things are me as I am a part of them. But today I don a new cap — clinical therapist — and answer some of the N.L. Central’s toughest questions with the sincerity and authority of a less-bald Dr. Phil.
People (read: ESPN) keeps talking about me making a run for baseball’s triple crown. It’s causing a little bit of anxiety to see my name all over TV, so I need to know two things. First, is it actually possible for me to win the triple crown? Second, can ESPN kiss my ass any harder or are these hickeys on my cheek just the beginning?
-Albert Pujols (St. Louis, Mo.)
Great question Albert, I’m glad you could separate yourself from the SWF attention of ESPN to write me an email. According to my crack team of researchers, it looks like you have an uphill climb to win an award that is about as winnable as the horse racing variety. Nobody has won the triple crown since some Polish guy named “Yaz” (whoever that is) led the league in BA, HRs and RBI in 1967. Something you might not know, he didn’t even win it outright, since Harmon Killebrew took time out of what I assume was a lucrative micro-brewing career to swat 44 HRs that year.
As for 2009, if you are ever going to get it done, it’s going to have to be this year and only three people are standing in your way. Florida’s Hanley Ramirez is .012 ahead of you in the batting race (but don’t count out Kung Fu Panda, San Francisco’s Pablo Sandoval at .331), and Milwaukee’s Prince Fielder is 7 RBI behind in that category as of Monday. Basically Al, you’ve got a real good chance to make it, but honestly, it’s not likely. But I say that not because, as a Cubs fan, I hate you with every fiber in my being, but because objectively, if something hasn’t been done since 1967 there’s probably good reason.
Recently my job required me to re-locate from sunny Phoenix to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Having never been in America’s dairy land for more than 3-4 days before, I was wondering if you could give me some tips on how to eat healthy in the state I now call home. Thanks.
-Felipe Lopez, (Phoenix, Ariz Milwauke, Wis.)
First, let me say how refreshing it is that you came to me seeking this type of advice. Not many people know that along with my Ph.D in clinical psychology, I also am a licensed dietitian, commericial freight driver, OBGYN and Rabbi. Shalom. As for your question, first let me make sure you don’t wind up soliciting advice from co-workers who will send you down a road you may not be able to recover from. If anyone in your new place of work recommends a Vegan or vegetarian diet, don’t listen. Trust me. The Army would never ask a pacifist to devise a military strategy during war time, so why should you take dieting advice from a fat tub of shit?
As for your new diet in Wisconsin, there are three major food groups that I would like you to focus on: cheese, tubed meats and beer. Of those three categories, I suggest you have at least 6-10 servings of each, and that’s just a conservative estimate of the common eating habits already practiced throughout the state. Familiarize yourself with variations of all three, diversity is the cornerstone to a healthy diet. Tired of cheese? Try cheese curds! Fatigued of frankfurters? Have a bratwurst. And trust me, no matter what anyone says, you’ll never tire of Leinenkugel’s wide range of beers, all brewed in small batches in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin! Bon Appetite!
Dear Andrew Paschen, Ph.D,
They tried to re-sign us, but we refused. Please, get us out of this hellhole. We’d rather be locked in a room with Kathy Griffin than spend another day here.
-Freddy Sanchez and Jack Wilson (Pittsburgh, Pa.)
Unfortunately, your letter doesn’t have an actual question that I can answer. Also, there is no way I would set foot in Pittsburgh, so you’re on your own there too. But if I see Kathy Griffin, I’ll be sure to punch her in the face for you.
How come nobody can play Risk without fighting with each other? Nearly every game ends with one player furiously throwing the board and all of its little soldiers across the room?
-Milton Bradley (East Longmeadow, Mass.)
Why? Because if you play with more than one other person they’ll always end up making a secret armistice and gang up on you, and that isn’t fun, that’s why! It’s a stupid game that draws you in with its little cannons and promises of world domination and then do you know what happens? Huh? You end up with four little soldiers freezing their ass off in Ural or Yakstuk with no reinforcements while the enemies gobble up the rest of the planet like your other infuriating game, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I think I speak for everyone when I say you ruined board games for me, jackass.
Who the hell is that guy? He’s stole my name! Are you in on this!?
Milton Bradley (Chicago, Ill.)
Please don’t kill me.
So, I was wondering (inhales) … wait … what was my question again?
-Geovany Soto (Amsterdam, Netherlands)
Just say no. Think of the children!
Am I good at baseball?
-Wandy Rodriguez (Houston, Texas)
Let’s see … you’re 9-6 with a 2.81 ERA and 112 Ks in 118 IP. You’ve also tossed a complete game and won your last four decisions on top of that. But no, I refuse to accept your success as credible. Sorry. Maybe you shouldn’t have chosen to go by Wandy, if that is your real name. However, if you happen to end the season with a sub-3.00 ERA or win 15 games, I will promise to reconsider.
Well, that does it for me. Remember, if you are feeling depressed or down, a surefire way to make yourself feel better is to take a minute out of your day and recite this phrase: Hey, at least I don’t live in Cleveland.
If you live in Cleveland, please try and kill yourself in the least messy way possible. Nobody likes cleaning up.