by Andy Paschen
As we all meander down the road of life, we find out little nuggets of information about ourselves and others every day. We learn, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, what we are capable of individually and as a group, like a never-ending scavenger hunt. Furthermore, we discover that some of our talents are easily replicated by others, while other talents we might have are unique to just us.
Then one day, you read about people like Bo Jackson, Deion Sanders, Jim Thorpe and Jeff Samardjzia, and you realize you are in fact a no-talent ass clown who contributes nothing to society. And thing real kicker is this: Sure, nobody can expect to grow up to become an NFL running back, MLB outfielder or Olympic gold medalist, but do there really have to be people in the world that can be more than one of those things?
Athletes who excel in several sports aren’t exactly a rare breed either. I guarantee if you listen to enough MLB broadcasts you’ll hear quite a few sentences that sound like, “X wasn’t only a great baseball player, he was the starting quarterback in his college days.” or “Did you know this gut could have been drafted in the NBA if he didn’t choose to play baseball?”
Chad Johnson, excuse me, Chad Ochocinco was an incredible soccer player before he decided to play the other football. Todd Helton was an SEC quarterback at Tennessee before going pro in baseball. Allen Iverson was a better high school quarterback prospect than Michael Vick at one time.
It makes me sick.
So I’ve decided to take matters into my own hand and create a list dedicated to what I am better at than baseball players in the N.L. Central. Because sure, you’re bigger, faster, stronger and certainly better looking (now that Jack Wilson was traded away, yikes), but there is more to life than that. I think.
Mike Fontenot, Cubs — Reaching things off of the top shelf
Mighty Mike, Cubs.com officially lists you at 5’8″. Let’s be real, the only way you are anywhere near 5’8″ is with a step ladder, the same step ladder you have to use to get the pine tar when Derrek Lee puts it on the top of his locker. Me? I am a towering 5’11” with shoes on, and those three extra inches would be used to dominate you in clearing out the top of a cabinet. Also, if we were balling and you tried to take me to the cup, I would reject your weak sauce so hard Grandma Fontenot would feel it. This is my house.
Albert Pujols, Cardinals — A not bald by 30-a-thon
I know, I know, you’re the greatest hitter of your generation. God’s gift to baseball. The Chuck Norris of swinging lumber. But you also look like this, at the ripe old age of 29:
Me? No, I can’t sock 450 foot dingers or hit 100+ RBI every year I play professional baseball, but that’s fine with me. Do you know why? Because at 31 I’ll be able to use shampoo. And you El Hombre, well, I don’t think so. Now excuse me while I comb out these golden brown locks.
Miguel Tejada, Astros — Polygraph test
The sad, sad fact is I would beat him on the first question, “Is your name Miguel Tejada?” Wrong. It’s Miguel Tejeda, his name was changed when they doctored his birth certificate in the land where laws are optional if you’re good at baseball — the Dominican Republic. Oh, and he also lied about some other stuff too, I guess. And so long as the testers don’t ask me if I read those magazines for the articles (you know I do America!), I’ve got Miggy beat hands down.
Prince Fielder, Brewers — A day-long fast
Sammy Sosa, ex-Cubs — English Proficiency Exam
Isn’t it amazing how the man has been giving interviews to English speaking news publications his entire career, then the minute he steps on Capitol Hill he’s all, “Me no speaka the English?” I think the more important question is, if Sammy Sosa can’t speak English, whose self-indulgent, idiotic quotes have I been reading all this time? Was Jose Hernandez Sammy’s secret speech writer? Can someone get Nancy Drew on this? Anyway, Sammy, if you’re going to stick to that story, then I’m sorry to say that I’m going to kick you’re ass in the subjunctive. Lo siento, amigo.
Bronson Arroyo, ex-Reds — A drug test
I put you here because you openly admitted to taking PEDs Bronson, not because I think your music is so awful that you have to be high as shit to think it’s worth recording for a public audience. But I do think that, too.
Milton Bradley, Cubs — Mathletics
In his defense, my cousin can’t count to three either. My cousin also poops in her pants, but she can’t count to three.
Pittsburgh Pirates — Baseball
At this point I could crack the Buccos starting line-up with a milk carton glove and a broom stick. In fact, the only thing holding me back is the insignificant fact that I can’t play baseball at a professional level. Then again, neither can the Pirates. Suck failure losers! Plug me into the clean-up spot and lets get ready to rake.
(Our fine editor hailing from Whitefish Bay, Wisc., has similarly made a list of things he can do better. Part II of our jealous hating rampage can be found here)