by Andy Paschen
… meanwhile, hundreds of miles from the Justice Leagues headquarters, Kid Kane’s reign of terror is over in Buffalo, New York. Yikes, Patrick Kane. No matter which way you slice it, these are the facts: you make millions of dollars and are soon to grace the cover of NHL 10. You beat up a 60-year-old cab driver with your cousin. Over $0.20. The cherry on top? The victim claims you beat him up while screaming, “You don’t know who you’re fucking with!”
Will he stay on the cover of NHL 10? I say yes. It’s not like he stabbed a guy. But has his image taken a huge, cabbie sized beating? Chalk up another in the “yes” column. Let’s move on to the games.
Cardinals 7 – 3 Pirates: The Redbirds gained a little bit of wiggle room at the top of the standings after beating down the hapless Pirates for the series sweep. Has any team been more hapless the past decade than the Pirates? The Clippers? The Lions? Albert Pujols got plunked by Matt Capps, who then got ejected, and Skip Schumaker hit his first career pinch-hit dinger to come back from a 3-2 deficit in the 8th.
Rockies 11 – 5 Cubs: The Cubs outhit the Rockies 17 to 14, but stranded – oh I don’t know – 13 base runners. It’s like watching an episode of LOST with all of those Cubs marooned on their tiny, white islands. Randy Wells was reminded that he is, in fact, a rookie and that the N.L. Central sucks at hitting a lot more than the West or East. Thanks to this series, the Cubs are now two games behind San Francisco and Colorado in the Wild Card, and two behind the Cardinals in the N.L. Central.
Astros 2 – 0 Brewers: The Crew desperately wanted to play like the Cubs against Wandy Rodriguez, but they weren’t quite up to the task. They only left 12 men on base. Wandy returned from a hamstring injury to hurl seven innings of shut out ball against the beer makers and Geoff Blum socked a dinger with a man on to provide all of the scoring the Astros would need. Both teams sit at 55-56, and in danger of falling completely out of the race if they continue to lose games.
Red 5 – 2 Giants: Aaron Harang, come on down! You’ve just ended a career-worst 13 game winless streak by tossing seven innings of two-run baseball, how do you feel? Ah, who cares, you play for the Reds. Just kidding. Or am I? Brandon Phillips started the scoring with a solo shot in the first and the Kung Fu Panda, Pablo Sandoval, had two run-scoring GIDPs that somehow baseball doesn’t count as RBIs. What is the point of that odd rule? For shame baseball, robbing a poor, innocent panda like that. Why don’t you go clubs some seals while you’re at it? Scott Rolen was back in Cincinnati after being examined for concussion-like symptoms, and I still wonder why the Reds traded for him in the first place.