by Andy Paschen
Programming note for all of you playing at home. We got an intern at Midwest Swing yesterday, and he’s going to write his first post, today’s Central Booking. His name is Kyle, he’s from the North Shore of Chicago, but he wants to be a hype man for a rapper when he grows up. Just warning you. That’s his dream, not mine. Anyway, let’s welcome him with an open mind and an open heart.
Marlin 9 – 8 Astros: So Houston and Florida were, like, mad busy beatin’ up on each other’s pitching, but the fish totally had that shit on lockdown until some dude with the same name as my grandpa, Geoff Blum, told Leo Nunez to suck it hard and took his weak shit for a game-tying RBI double. So Florida was all, “Waaahhh, we blew the lead!” and Dan Uggla said, “Shut up, bitch! My pimp hand is way strong!” so he singled in Chris Coghlan and dumped those sorry Astros like an ugly starter wife.
Padres 13 – 6 Brewers: So my boy Chad came in to visit me this weekend from San Diego, and he’s all chill and surfer-like and shit. “Brah man, the Pads are such a buzzkill, they traded their team away and they are really mellowing my high.” But I was like, “Yo, chill doggy, they are playing the Brewers, and you know those mo’ fuckas can’t pitch for shit. You’ll probably see more bombs dropped on the Crew than Pearl Harbor!” And just like I said, the Padres raked that sorry ass Crew from Chicago North with 22 hits. Adrian Gonzalez went “Hulk smash!” on they ass and went 6-6 by his lonesome. Shit, you know your pitching sucks when Henry Blanco takes you out of the park.
Reds 5 – 4 Cardinals: As y’alls must know by now, I got this job because I rep my city, Chi city, hard as shit. But Andy said I gotta be “unbiased” and shit, and I was like, “Dog, you know I don’t speak Spanish, cool out with that.” So then he says I can’t rag on the crummy ass Cardinals, so I’ma try. Ahem, the Cincinnati Reds and St. Louis Cardinals played a hard fought game, but in the end, the four-run lead the Reds built in the first two innings was just too much for the Cardinals to overcome. Jonny Gomes threw out speed-demon Yadier Molina at the plate in the third. Some guy named Albert Pujols did something or other pretty good, it was the 37th time he had done it this year, and I SWEAR TO GOD IF THOSE FUCKING REDBIRDS WIN THE DIVISION I WILL TAKE THEM DOWN MARK WAHLBERG STYLE WHEN HE WAS THE G IN SHOOTER.
Pittsburgh 7 – 3 Colorado: So I told Andy that I didn’t know shit about the Pirates, and he was all like, “Blah blah blah, fair and balanced, blah blah blah, you do what I say, blah blah blah, my hair is too long I look like an emo freak.” Anyway, Andrew McCutchen scored three runs, Delwyn Young drove in two and the Pirates helped my boys, the Cubs, keep pace with those damn purple wearing Denver boys in the Wild Card.
Phillies 4 – 3 Cubs: Fuck Ben Francisco in his stupid ass. Rich Harden too. He’s all, “I’m gonna mow these fuckers down and pitch a perfect game into the 6th,” until Jimmy Rollins went Boom Boom Pow on his ass for a two-run, game tying dinger. Then Kevin Gregg did his thing and took another loss to his already busted ass record, and now the Cubs are dropping faster than a skank at frat party.
Alright, I’m Ghosting this piece like Patrick Swayze. Peace bitches.
Your N.L. Central tasty treat of the day: Miguel Tejada, 3-5, 3 RBI
Your N.L. Central crap sandwich of the day: Braden Looper, 5 IP, 11 H, 5 ER, 4 K
N.L. Central Playoff-o-meter: (GBoWC: Games back of Wild Card lead)
1. St. Louis | 63-52 | –
2. Chicago | 58-52 | 3 GB (3 GBoWC)
3. Milwaukee | 55-57 | 6.5 GB (6.5 GBoWC)