Central Booking: That’s not what I meant by golden shower

by Andy Paschen
 

Phillies 12 – 5 Cubs: This was a brutal loss for the Cubs, who not only got pwned by Philly hitters, but had this ugly blemish on hand as well:

Classy maneuver buddy. In the last four games, the Cubs have lost by scores of 11-5, 11-5, 4-3 and 12-5.
Ted Lilly cannot come back faster. With the Cardinals win over the Reds, the chances of the Cubs making the playoffs for a third straight year get slimmer by the day.

Astros 14 – 6 Marlins: Hunter Pence, come on down! You’ve socked two dingers and driven in six RBI for your baseball club, whatareyagonnado now!? Hopefully, he can get some sort of performance bonus and buy some free weights so he doesn’t look like a Somalian refugee anymore.

Eat Hunter, eat!

Eat Hunter, eat!

Cardinals 5 – 2 Reds: Chris Carpenter and Albert Pujols made like two sketchy day traders and tag teamed the Reds to increase the gap between 1st place and the rest of the division. Hey, rest of baseball, come here I have a secret for you: Stop pitching to Pujols. Stop. He hits dingers, that’s all he does. Dinger. Dinger. Dinger. He’s got 38 of them. And if he keeps going yard, then ESPN keeps thinking it’s a good idea to show all of his home runs in sequence. So stop. STOP.

Padres 6 – 5 Brewers: New look, same result. But I must say, with the addition of top prospect Alcides Escobar and the eventual return of other top prospect Mat Gamel, the Brewers offense could actually get better next year. But alas, so long as they continue to rely on putrid pitching, their lot in N.L. Central will continue to be a distant third. But if any team were to make a quick turnaround in the next few years, I would put my monies on these guys. Let’s play pretend GM for a moment:

Sign Ben Sheets when he returns from injury. He’d probably be open to returning to the only team he’s ever played for, and I like when pitchers take an entire year off to rest their arm, so I think he could be effective. Find one more 3-4 level starter, perhaps like a Justin Duchsherer or Carl Pavano (whose contracts are up at the end of 2009). Then, go hog-fucking wild on quality, free-agent middle relievers. Overpay the for the likes of Kiko Calero, poach John Grabow from the Cubs and dish out some cash (if you’re feeling really frisky) for a guy like Rafael Soriano. Will you have to overpay all of these guys? Absolutely. But middle relief is the cheapest position in baseball, and with the amount of young talent you’re saving money on, why not improve your weakest position?

Rockies 8 – 0 Pirates: Ubaldo Jimenez dominated the Bucs, going eight strong for his fourth straight win. Clint Barmes, Chris Ianetta and Carlos Gonzalez all had two RBI each for the Rockies, but didn’t extend their Wild Card lead thanks to a 4-2 Giants win over the Dodgers.

Your N.L. Central tasty treat of the day: Hunter Pence, 2-5, 2 HR, 6 RBI
Your N.L. Central crap sandwich of the day: Jeff Samardzija
, 3.1 IP, 8 H, 7 ER, 4 K

N.L. Central Playoff-o-meter: (GBoWC: Games back of Wild Card lead)
1. St. Louis | 64-52 | –
2. Chicago | 58-54 | 4
 GB (4 GBoWC)
3. Houston | 56-58 | 7 GB (7 GBoWC)

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