By Josh Mosley
My compatriots got me thinking about all my awesome qualities with their sterling self- evaluations found. Qualities so cool that after this concept was brought up, I felt the need to share them with you, our loyal readers. So sit back, relax and here about how much I rule and guys who make 70 times more than I do drool.
Milton Bradley: Conflict mediation
Andy already came at Milt about his lack of math skills already. But he’s got some other cracks in his game too. Maybe he was an army brat. Or maybe he is baseball version of Holden Caufield. Whatever the reason, Milton Bradley has had a problem at every stop he has made in the majors. And while they haven’t each resulted in him being asked to seek employment elsewhere, it wasn’t like owners were clamoring to keep him. His latest run in was with Sweet Lou Pinella. Now despite the irony that is supposed to be associated with a gruff gent such as Pinella being called “sweet” he is just like Mike Tyson in the Hangover: people think he’s a badass but I think he’s a sweetheart.
Anyway, Milt wouldn’t exactly falter or lose hood cred if he sought some anger management or counseling. Hugs, Milt. Not slugs. I walk away. Mostly because I’m caring and a sensitive man of the 21st century. But also because I’ll bring the pain. Ask your friends about me.
Yadier Molina: wind sprints
This is a really clever way of calling Yadi a tad bit on the portly side. Commentators get on him about not running hard to first on a routine pop up. I get that. But look at big homie. Does he look like he gets up and runs gassers in the morning? His occupation requires him to squat for nine innings or more no less than five times a week. His knees hurt. His back is sore. That doesn’t mesh well with running or doing cardio.
Still, I know Puerto Rican food is probably a nice time so whatever Spanish sounding food that the old ball and chain orders up nightly, could be 86ed every once in a while to get Yadi lean and mean. As long as he can still mow cats down from behind the plate off his knees. If being fat helps him do that, then ignore my advice and stay the way you are. But if not, then throw some of the LB’s over here. Your boy could use them.
Cincinnati Reds: not having history linked with Marge Schott.
Little known moral code: following the appearance of the old grandma in Wedding Crashers, ignorant old ladies ARE NOT CUTE and ADORABLE. Marge did her dirty work over 15 years ago and if her wrinkled ass was still kicking in the 09, she’d be getting blasted in the ass for being old fashioned by everybody. Well except for Bill O’Reilly. He’d just say “Oh, grandma. You’re adorable.” She was around the last time the Reds won a World Series. If she wasn’t there, it’d probably be better if they just erased her from history or something.
Chicago Cubs: I’m better at leading the 7th Inning Stretch than about 85 percent of your guest singers.