Central Booking: Wii are the champions

I will fence your ass so hard youll be brushing your teeth with my sword.

I will fence your ass so hard you'll be brushing your teeth with my sword.

I did it. I bought a Wii. Not only did I buy a Wii, but I bought Wii Sports Resort. I have no other game, just Wii Sports Resort. Why did this happen? Because my roommate and I wanted some good old fashioned competition between the two of us — then gamble on it. Honestly, this has completely changed the way I view video games.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love killin’ zombies and saving princesses and shit, but using video games to have a testosterone-sponsored pissing contest is amazing. Thus far I am dominant at Wii fencing, Wii table tennis and Wii frisbee, while my roommate handles me pretty well in Wii three-point contest (our favorite game). As for Wii archery, Wii bowling and Wii golf — it’s a dead heat.

There’ll be some epic battles coming up for Wii supremacy (I’m thinking about investing in some old, crappy used trophies so the winner can have even more glory), but suffice to say I’m a born gamer – it’s in my blood. And despite the fact that I’ve more or less retired from active gaming duty, I can still throw down with the best of them. On to the games …

Cardinals 3 – 2 Dodgers: Rick Ankiel come on down, you’re the next contestant on the “Sock a 2-run dinger late in the game to give the Cardinals a victory” is Right! Albert Pujols unloaded all over the Dodgers as well, and extended their lead in the N.L. Central because …

Padres 4 – 1 Cubs: Kevin Gregg is an incompetent old fool that can’t close out a baseball game even if he was Harrison Ford and the other team was a group of terrorists that hijacked his presidential plane and he had to save the day while yelling, “Get off my plane!” (Air Force One was on the other day, sorry) But in all seriousness, Gregg has now lost the closer role due to his pooptacular performance and his replacement will either be Mr. Erratic Carlos Marmol or my boy El Pobrecito (Angel Guzman). It doesn’t really matter either way though, because the offense scores as many runs as the Olsen twins eat calories. If only they scored as many runs as Mary-Kate (or is it Ashely?) did lines of blow, because then they could win every game by 100 runs.

Pirates 9 – 5 Brewers: In a clash of epic (fail) proportions, Andy LaRoche (he’s the bad LaRoche. Who am I kidding, they both suck), Garret Jones and Ronny Cedeno all went yard and the Brewers pitching staff continued to suck hard.

Your N.L. Central tasty treat of the day: Rick Ankiel 1-4, 1 HR, 2 RBI
Your N.L. Central crap sandwich of the day: Kevin Grgg
L – .2 IP, 4 ER

N.L. Central Playoff-o-meter: (GBoWC: Games back of Wild Card lead)
1. St. Louis | 68-52 | –
2. Chicago | 60-56 | 6
GB (4 GBoWC)
3. Milwaukee | 58-60 | 9 GB (7 GBoWC)


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