Dirty-Goldilocks and the three Bears: Jay Cutler, Brian Urlacher and Orlando Pace

by Andy Pachen

This segment is dedicated to who I, dirty-Goldilocks, believe had a major impact on the outcome of the previous Bears game. Hopefully it will run every Tuesday, but who really knows what life has in store.

To the white jerseys Jay! The white ones!

To the white jerseys Jay! The white ones!


Jay Cutler:”His passes are too errant!”

Holy smokes was that an awful game for the anointed one. I haven’t seen anyone that flustered since Taylor Swift won a VMA. He had a few good passes, particularly the 36-yard TD pass to Devin Hester and the 68-yard completion to Johnny Knox
(Can we get this guy a nickname?). But the rest of the game? Yikes.

But, both Roommate Joe and I agree: just because you can throw the “fuck ball” (defined as a 15+ yard pass into coverage) doesn’t mean you should ignore the running backs, especially Matt Forte. In fact, one of the Bears best third down calls was a play action to Jason McKie — let’s remember that.

Hopefully the combination of a new team, high expectations, the biggest rivalry in football and Sunday Night Football gave Cutler the jitters. But the question I have to ask is, “If he keeps fucking up and yelling at other players, who’s going to put him in check?” Here’s hoping Olin Kreutz makes sure Cutler doesn’t go T.O. on the Bears.

Urlacherias Depressian: an ultra rare animal known as the Chicago Sad Panda

Urlacherias Depressian: an ultra rare animal known as the Chicago Sad Panda

Brian Urlacher: “His wrist is too dislocated!”
Well, that’s a buzz kill. All summer we’ve had reporter after reporter talk about how effing amazing Urlacher has looked, and how he’s going to return to the impact, game-changing MLB that we know and love. And then he had to go an destroy his wrist. The good news: The Bears have played a significant amount of time without Urlacher before, after Urlacher went down for seven games in 2004. The bad news: They went 0-7 in those games.

Hunter Hillenmeyer, Nick Roach and Jamar Williams will all get chances to help stem the bleeding from the loss of Urlacher, but the pressure really goes to the re-vamped defensive line (who looked excellent) and the secondary (who looked bi-polar) to help keep the “elite” tag affixed to the Bears D.

Get. Faster.

Get. Faster.


Orlando Pace: “His feet are too slow!”
Pace was abused worse than a red-headed step child. He was beat like a dead horse. Point is, he was slower than molasses on the left side. The Bears cannot win if that’s the most they can get out of Pace. Matt Forte cannot run for 22 yards, and Jay Cutler can’t feel like he’s inside a Polly Pocket instead of a real pocket. There isn’t much of an emergency situation in place if Pace cannot be more effective — with the most likely scenario involving moving Chris Williams to the left side and Kevin Shaffer to the right side — this could be a long season.

Bonus Bear – Carlos Zambrano: “His act is too old!”
I won’t lie, I was surprised to hear the news that some writers are expecting the Cubs to shop Zambrano around this off-season, even though he has a full no-trade clause. The thinking is that with the right suiter, Big Z would lift his clause and bolt from the Second City. And I will continue to not lie: I wouldn’t be all that sad about it, should he be traded. The guy has become a headache for a team that has far too many headaches at the moment. Maybe it’s time to say good-bye to el toro with a metaphorical spear to the throat.


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1 Comment

Filed under Chicago Bears

One response to “Dirty-Goldilocks and the three Bears: Jay Cutler, Brian Urlacher and Orlando Pace

  1. Danny Mehigan

    i was the passer on the only interception return for a TD in nick roach’s career (high school, college and pro combined). i like to think he owes me a small cut of his NFL salary, no?

    needless to say, he’s the only bears player i don’t hate. i hope hunter hillenmeyer gets the start because he’s atrocious. go pack.

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