by Andy Paschen
God bless fantasy football. I love it. Even though earlier in the season I declared my love for fantasy baseball over football, I think America’s enthusiasm for the sport is what really gets me going. So each week I’m going to drop a little fantasy football knowledge on you. No, I’m not creepy like the Talented Mr. Roto, smart like Brandon Funston or weird-looking like Eric Karabell. But I am funny-ish (sometimes) so maybe that will help fill my knowledge void. Let’s read on …
You’re an idiot if … you drafted Tom Brady over Drew Brees
No, I know, I get it: Tom Brady is a sexy pick. Not only do you get his handsome stubble, cleft chin and super hot wife with a mini-Brady bun-in-the-oven, but you get the second greatest receiver of all time, Randy Moss, catching his balls every Sunday. Magnificent.
But Drew Brees is a monster. He cannot be stopped. He cannot be contained. He cannot even be made fun of for that enormous mole that is trying to take control of his face. Marques Colston, Lance Moore, Robert Meachem and Devery Henderson — would any of these receivers be productive on another team? Doubtful. Drew Brees is the better fantasy player, and I hate to admit it. Why? Because I drafted Tom Brady. Stupid sexy stubble, it gets me every time.
You’re a genius if … you drafted Darren Sproles
If you had watched the MNF game broadcast for vampires, meth-heads and insomniacs instead of going to be at 10:45 because you have “work” tomorrow and you “need your rest” so you can “be productive”. Whatever. Go fill the heck out of some timesheets, loser, because this guy has to soak in all of the available games so he can shower you with incredible football knowledge. Take this little nugget for example: To the guy who drafted Sproles two spots ahead of me in the league where I have LaDanian Tomlinson, fuck you. Fuck you so hard.
In Oakland, he was the better runner. Leaps and bounds better. And let me tell you one thing about the NFL. This isn’t the MLB, where teams stick with old, shitty players because they are older and far shittier (That’s got to be the only way players like Chad Fox, David Weathers, Neifi Perez, Mike Hampton are still around). No, you know what they do in the NFL? They bench your ass. Then they cut your ass. And next thing you know, you’ve gone from the best running back of your generation to signing with the Cardinals so you can mail in another season or two before making unwatchable commericals with Keith Hernandez and some other black guy whose name I can’t remember. Fuck.
Fuck you … Jake Delhomme
That’s from every collective owner of Steve Smith, for sucking so hard and leaving the Panthers with almost no quarterback competent enough to make Smith into the elite receiver they thought they were drafting. You are a miserable fuck. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if you ended up being partially to blame for global warming, for you are a giant, hot steamy turd of a football player.
Of course, I wasn’t dumb enough to waste a high draft pick on a receiver who has some shit-for-brains throwing to him, so I really don’t care if you pull your willie out during a game and run around like a raving lunatic Jake. As long as they let Johnathon Stewart tote the rock around the end zone we are all good.
Honorable Mention: Michael Turner. Six points? Six points? What the fuck is that? Huh? You don’t do that, alright? You don’t do that ever again.
Why must you torture my soul … Devery Henderson
Henderson had a huge game. But you didn’t start him. Shit, you didn’t even draft him. In fact, you’re probably clicking over to Yahoo!Sports right now to see if he’s available, but he’s not. Go on, go check. He’s gone. Why? Because 100 yards and a touch is money in the bank for a receiver, and he’s Brees’ number two wide out so he’ll end up getting 100 and a touch as easy as you get mouth herpes from sipping on that skank’s Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper can. But if you have Devery, remember that this can only turn out one of two ways.
First, he’s going to be a very solid, productive player and either a solid No. 3 WR or even a No. 2 WR for your squad. But that’s not going to happen. Why? Because YOU drafted him. So you know what will happen? That 103 yards and touchdown reception win Week 1 will be the highest turnout he has. Because that’s how the soul-crushingly harsh game of fantasy football works. You zig, it zags. You go left, it goes right. You try and woo it, it forcibly sodomizes you in the back of a utility van. Every year this happens. You pick up a break out player after Week 1 that is no more than an aberration. And you know whose fault it is. It’s yours, you God-damn sucker for the flavor-of-the-week. Next time, draft a reliable starter like an adult.
I love you … Tim Hightower
Oh man, I totally drafted you on accident Tim Hightower. I thought you we a lot better last year than you actually were, and I thought that since you are technically a starting running back in the NFL, you should get enough touches to justify a place on my roster. But then I remembered that neither you nor the Arizona Cardinals can run the football. But Larry Johnson was playing the Ravens defense last week, so somehow you found your way into my flex roster spot. And God-damnit, was I right about you not being able to run.
So what did you do instead? Oh I don’t know, catch 12 passes for 121 yards in my PPR league. Be-a-utiful. Doubtful you will ever do anything like this again (although you are on my bench this week, so it would be standard procedure for you to gain 300 yards rushing and score 14 touchdowns), so I’m glad I got to take part in your own version of “One Shining Moment”. Let’s build on this Timmy, I know we can!
Ride the pine … LaDanian Tomlinson
Even if you ignore everything I just wrote about him and his usurper Darren Sproles, you still have the fact that he’s going up against the Baltimore Ravens this week. As in, the Baltimore Ravens that haven’t let anyone rush for 100 yards since 2006. This has “shutdown” written all over LT’s face. And I haven’t even mentioned that LT has a bum ankle, until now. Bum ankle, stout defense, usurper … sorry LT, but Sunday you ride the pine.
Get your lucky underpants on … Darren McFadden and Michael Bush
Hoo boy, these two midwestern-bred RBs could pile up 200 yards against the Chiefs. They put up over a hundo against a stout run defense like the Chargers, and the Chiefs defense ain’t the Chargers defense. That D’s got more holes than the plot to Fast & Furious. Seriously, I watched that movie this week and I thought I had accidentally smoked a pound of pot before hand because I didn’t understand shit. Go watch that movie this weekend and count the number of plot-holes you encounter. “Why is that FBI agent still gainfully employed after stealing $60 million in heroin?” “Why is that driver working for the drug runners when he lost the race you have to win to work for the drug runners?” “Where is Lil Bow Wow?” It’s endless.
The point is, it’s a road game and Oakland will look to control the clock. Which means Run-DMC and the Big Bush are going to have their way with Kansas City.
Don’t you dare sleep on … Nate Burleson
Apparently the chic stat this year for wide receivers is “targets”, as in how many times the QB threw at him. Well, Nate Burleson had 11 targets. And if you’re in a PPR league and a league this gives points for return yards, this guy might be huge this year. Think about it. Matt Hasselbeck was an elite QB before chronic injury plagued him the past few years. Now he’s all better, and ready to swing his big ol’ greenish-blue dick around. Don’t you sleep on Nasty Nate, this year he’s going to return to Minnesota Vikings form, believe you me.