If you took the advice of my esteemed colleague Andy Paschen in Week One, you probably brought home the bacon big time and saved your family, house and marriage all in one fell swoop. Wait, you took his advice for all 16 games? Not just the 11 he correctly predicted? Well, that was just dumb on your part. Hopefully, you’re reading this from a free Internet café so you can get through the whole thing before you get booted for mooching too much.
But as we move on to the Week Two picks, we should mention a few things about the first week. One, in the game that matters most to this site, Jay Cutler was hilariously bad. Beyond that really. I understand throwing a shitload of interceptions – that was my M.O. as a high school quarterback – but at least throw them in the general direction of your own players. Truly embarrassing for Bears fans that thought this guy would be the bees’ knees. Hey, by no means is he a bust, it was only one game, but wow. Tough start, eh? Two, the Patriots pulled that one straight out of their ass on Monday night. Looks like Bills fans are ready for another rousing four months of devastating losses and excessive drinking in the cold! Wooo!
That’s enough of the past, however. On to Week Number Two…
Sunday Afternoon Games
Carolina @ Atlanta – If there’s one quarterback who made Jay Cutler look good last week, it was Jake Delhomme. That makes nine turnovers in his last two games. That is pitiful. Get a new job, grouch. Also, maybe this Matt Ryan character isn’t too bad after all. But still, fuck Boston College.
Minnesota @ Detroit – Sooner or later, the Lions will win a game. I don’t think it’ll be this week, but this game will be closer than the “experts” think. And by experts, I mean the Vegas sports books, who have the spread around 10. The ol’ gunslinger Brett Favre can’t manage games for too long like he did in week one, but as long as Brad Childress’ dumb ass keeps handing the ball to Adrian Peterson, it won’t matter. Especially against the Lions. When the Vikings win 56-10, ignore what I just said.
Cincinnati @ Green Bay – I think I fell in love with the Cincinnati Bengals because I watched Hard Knocks this summer, and I’m easily swindled (take that information and do with it whatever you like, ladies…), but no matter how much you hate the Bungles, that was a tough way to lose last week.
Wow. Defense and luck FAIL. But more than that, I’m so so glad that Gus Johnson was on the call. Some people don’t like his shtick of overexcitement. It’s the best part of the NCAA Basketball Tournament – except for One Shining Moment of course, and it’s just fuckin’ fantastic. I love you, Gus Johnson.
In other news, I’ll be at this game on Sunday. Go Pack Go. I don’t know why I said that, because I’m sure you don’t care, but whatever.
Houston @ Tennessee
Oakland @ Kansas City – What a terrible game. I think the Raiders are on their way back to respectability, but it’ll be a slow process. Probably led by Johnnie Lee Higgins. He is the man, and that’s all I have to say about that.
New England @ NY Jets – I kind of want to pick the Jets because Rex Ryan just don’t give a fuck, but the Patriots, despite their almost hiccup in Buffalo on Monday, are just so much better. Also, Mark Sanchez is due to come back to Earth sometime after a fine first performance last week. Might as well be this week.
New Orleans @ Philadelphia – Don’t fall for the Kevin Kolb hype! Wait, there’s no Kevin Kolb hype? Because we’re all pretty sure that was a terrible draft pick? Okay then. Fire up, Drew Brees, you fantasy godsend.
St. Louis @ Washington – Maybe St. Louis scores this week. But probably not.
Arizona @ Jacksonville
Sunday Late Games
Seattle @ San Francisco
Tampa Bay @ Buffalo
Pittsburgh @ Chicago – Bears fans waiting for Cutler to stop being a whiny bitch and start playing solid football need not apply this week. Not like that’s necessarily an insult to J.C. because the Steelers have a great defense, even without Troy Polamalu and his lady haircut. The Bears, and Cutler, will snap out of it, but not quite yet.
Baltimore @ San Diego – I can’t decide if the Chargers played like shit on Monday or if the Raiders are decent. I know that the Chiefs are brutal but the Ravens look good. Too good for the Whale Vaginas.
Cleveland @ Denver – We go to Little League Baseball Dad from South Park for analysis on this one: “GOOOOOOOOOOO DENVER!!!!” Thank you, Baseball Dad.
Sunday Night: NY Giants @ Dallas – Did you know that the Cowboys new stadium has a really big scoreboard that punts might hit? OH. MY. GOD. In other news, Michigan quarterback Denard Robinson doesn’t tie his shoelaces. And Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Now you know.
Monday Night: Indianapolis @ Miami
That’s all, folks. Until next time.