Fantasy Football: Analysis 100% accurate or I’ll brain you

by Andy Paschen

Week 2:
Fantasy God … Frank Gore and Chris Johnson
Normally I  would put a single player here, but I happen to have anecdotal evidence that several people had both Gore and Johnson last week. And in America, if you know something that happened to someone you know, then it must happen to everyone everywhere. Thus, everyone that had Gore has Johnson as well and proceeded to put up huge numbers. Amazing! I love America.

You brought a decisive schematic advantage to the game … Willis McGahee
Not many people were high on Slick Willy prior to the 2009 season, especially since the purple-colored Ray Rice Kool-Aid was being handed out at cult-like speed, but McGahee has already found the end zone three times versus Rice’s zero. I don’t know how many people started him in their leagues, but I’m sure for many he was a game-time decision or a flex spot, and if you had him in there I bet you did pretty well for yourself, didn’t you? Wipe that smug look off of your face jerk, nobody likes to hear about your “amazing” fantasy football roster moves. Seriously.

Which reminds me, women all over the country abhor fantasy football. It’s like the video games of the late 90s early 2000s. They don’t understand why something so “nerdy” and “pointless” can take up so much of our time. Next time you find yourself in a position in which you need to defend fantasy football’s (or video games’) honor just hit ’em with this argument. Undoubtedly, said woman arguing against you either reads vapid, depraved magazines such as Us Weekly or InTouch, or watched vapid, depraved television such at Jon and Kate Plus 8 or Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Just remind her that while they might think what you do is nerdy, at least we are involved in it and have some input and actual interaction with our entertainment — whereas she just reads and watches gossip because she’s too dumb to do anything else.

If you’re a woman that doesn’t read or watch that filth, well, God bless you and stay strong. P.S. I love you.

Fuck you … Greg Jennings
0 catches for 0 yards. Are you fucking kidding me? Aren’t the Packers supposed to have a high-powered offense? Well, who did they play, the Ravens or something? Wait … who? The … the Bengals? Get the fuck outta here. How the fuck do you have ZERO catches against the Cincinnati Bengals? How? Fuck you Greg Jennings, fuck you right in your face.

You aren’t supposed to be good … Mario Manningham
Mario Manningham’s career statistics before Monday: 7 catches for 84 yards. Mario Manningham’s statistics against the Cowboys: 10 catches for 150 yard and a touch. I think I speak for us all when I say, “What just happened?”

I love you … Matt Schaub
I’m in a league in which I have one of the most dominant teams that I have ever had in the history of the world. I have Donovan McNabb and Mr. Schaub, who I drafted in the 7th round as a value pick. I had no intention of starting Schaub this week, but because of some wack-ass late hit on Mr. Chunky Soup by a Carolina Panther, I had to replace McNabb and his broken rib with Schaub. Four touchdowns later and I look like a genius. Go me! But seriously, this could be a huge year for the Texans quarterback — which might make my QB gluttony turn into the dreaded “Who the hell do I start?” tug-o-war that ends up screwing people over.

This week:
Ride the pine … T.J. Houshmanzilly
No, I’m not putting you in the “ride the pine” section because you talked trash about the Bears after imagining that they dissed you in the off-season. No, I’m putting you on this list because Matt Hasselbeck has an owie boo-boo on his rib-a-dib-dib and I don’t think he’ll be an effective passer, if he plays at all this week. When your back-up quarterback is Seneca Wallace, your passing game is going to suffer mightily.

Get your lucky underpants on … Michael Turner
Sure, there are safer options to put here, people that are more likely to bust out and have a big week 3, but I’m going with Turner this week against the Patriots. That Patriot defense is Wack Arnold’s, and Turner looked good last week against Carolina, whose defense is significantly stiffer than Belichick’s right now.

Also, don’t be surprised if this is a watershed game in terms of answering the question “Is there really a 370 carries curse.” By the fourth game of the season you can start making reasonable expectations for players, so if Turner wants to buck the thought that he’s cursed worse than the Frog Prince, he’ll need to have a solid game.

Don’t you dare sleep on … David Garrard
He was a top 15 QB last year, and he’s got Houston on the schedule. He’s probably a backup in most leagues, but unless you have Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers or Phillip Rivers, he might be worth taking a look at in the starting role.

Injury Report:
Doubtful:
LaDanian Tomlinson – Too many capital letters in first name (Ankle)
Matt Hasselbeck – Liver spots (Rib)
Antonio Bryant – Black/Spanish fever (Knee)
Probable:
Frank Gore – Gold poisoning (Ankle)
Brian Westbrook – I’d just assume he’s injured.

Last week’s predictions:
1 for 3, although I could make an argument for 2 for 4. Tomlinson didn’t even play, so clearly riding the pine was the smart move. Michael Bush and Darren McFadden a decent game, but didn’t make the plays I thought they would, even though Run-DMC did put it in the end zone. And Nate Burleson had a forgettable game as well, but how can you blame me after old man Hasselbeck took one to the ribs and left the contest?)

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