by Andy Paschen
Early Games: (Winner)
Browns (+13.5) at Ravens – What if the Ravens have offense?
I’m just saying, it’s something we’ve never seen before, and it could spell doom for the rest of the AFC. People are convinced that the AFC title is going to come down to Ben Rothelisberger, Phillip Rivers, Tom Brady or Peyton Manning and their respective teams. But the Ravens? With an offense? We’ll know in a couple weeks if this team could be the power in the NFL’s junior circuit.
Jaguars (+4.5) at Texans
I did put David Garrard as this week’s fantasy sleeper, but I also believe that Jacksonville blows. Not just the team either. Is there any city less deserving of a professional sports team? No, no there isn’t. For God’s sake will somebody buy that team up and move them the fuck somewhere else? Where you might ask? How bout Vegas or Austin or San Antonio or San Jose or Portland? Los Angeles? Fuck L.A., they have a professional sports team, don’t they Reggie? Plus, they are horrible fans. Nobody likes L.A. sports, not even Kobe Bryant. I’d rather cheer for the Browns then cheer for an L.A. team. And no, the Anaheim Angels are no an L.A. team, they just know how to squeeze every last drop of money from their team.
Chiefs (+9.5) at Eagles – Fire up Tigers!
You probably don’t know this, because you are an idiot that doesn’t know anything, but the Eagles recently signed Martin T. Rucker, badass extraordinaire and former Missouri Tiger to compliment their other badass extraordinaire and former Missouri Tiger — Jeremy Maclin. This is why the Eagles will not only win, but cover the spread as well. Kansas City, you could have combated this power had you not released Will Franklin sometime ago, but alas, you did. So you’re going to lose. And Memphis and South Carolina have better barbecue than you. What’s up now?
Titans (+2.5) at Jets – The Dirtiest of Sanchezes
I know, I know — the Jets are flying high right now behind the greatest Mexican quarterback in the history of the NFL, Mark Sanchez. But Tennessee was 13-3 last year and they are getting points in this game. True, the Titans are 0-2, but there’s no shame in losing to the Super Bowl Champs on the road. There is shame in losing to the Texans, but the Jets aren’t as good as ESPN wants you to believe. It happens anytime a team beats the media’s darling — they become overrated.
Redskins (-6.5) at Lions – “A win is a win.”
Vin Diesel taught me that. It’s true. And guess what Detroit, you’re going to get your first win since the 2007 campaign! What’s that? Your game is going to be blacked out because nobody wants to go to a Lions game? Well isn’t that a huge kick in the balls.
49ers (+6.5) at Vikings
One of the more intriguing match-ups of the day. I can see why some people would pick the Niners in this contest. The Vikings haven’t played anyone worth shit, Brett Favre hasn’t been under duress yet, Mike Singletary’s lazer vision will melt Adrian Peterson’s hexagonal skin — it’s all true. But defense wins more games than it loses, and I think Minnesota’s defense is still better than the 49ers, even if it’s not by much. Vikings win by 7.
Falcons (+4) at Patriots — You can’t spell “What the fuck?” with T-O-M
Listen up Brady, I drafted you on one of my fantasy teams. I expect you to play like the golden god you once were. Why the fuck are you fucking that up by not throwing a billion touchdown passes? What is your problem, huh? God damnit Tom, I trusted you. You told me you were all better from knee surgery. I BELIEVED IN YOU! Don’t fuck this up Brady. 3 TD passes this week, nothing less.
Packers (-6.5) at Rams
I don’t care how bad the Pack looked against the Bengals, there’s no way they are losing to the St. Louis Rams. They’re awful. AWFUL.
Giants (-6.5) at Bucs
So my Week 1 pick of Bucs over Cowboys was a little misguided. A lot of misguided. HOWEVER, this is the wee— oh, they’re playing the Giants? No, no, fuck that, I’m not throwing away another pick. Giants it is.
Saints (-6) at Bills
What if Terrell Owens were on the Saints? I don’t know why this came to my head, but with a guy like Drew Brees throwing to him, would he be able to say one bad thing about his quarterback? I know Terrell Owens is totally self-absorbed and selfish and immature and yada yada yada, but let me pose you this question. If you’re 100% absorbed with yourself, doesn’t this mean that you care about individual stats and performances? Wouldn’t that mean the Hall of Fame is critically important to determining your success? So in the twilight of your career (like T.O.’s, wouldn’t you just try to sign with the best possible offense/team to shore up your stats/wins? Why Buffalo? And don’t tell me it’s because nobody would take him, because for the right price anybody would take him.
Bears (-2) at Seahawks
Matt Hasselbeck‘s rib lost this game for the Seahawks before it even started. The Bears have to get their running game going if they are going to have any sort of prayer in the NFC North. This is a statement game for both teams, because the winner will look like the real deal.
Steelers (-4) at Bengals
I loved Chad Ochocinco before he changed his name. Shit, I’ve always loved Eight-Five even the past few years when his numbers didn’t back up his mouth. But this right here makes me love him even more:
“Ochocinco procured four front-row tickets in the north end zone and sent them to Mike Bergs’ home in Evanston, Ill., the newspaper reported.”
That would be Evanston, Illinois, the same Evanston that birthed the one and only Andy Paschen and is the greatest single city in America, North America, the Western Hemisphere and the world. Much love Chad, much love.
Broncos (-1.5) at Raiders
The Broncos at 2-0 is like Tom Green. Nobody cares about you, and nobody thinks you are legitimate. Now start losing games and acting like the team you are supposed to be.
Dolphins (+6.5) at Chargers
Remember what I said about the Dolphins? That they wouldn’t be good, like that not hot hot-chick? Yeah. I told you. Nevermind that I said the same thing about Atlanta, just pay attention to the Miami part. This is clearly Karmic retribution for having the William sisters, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony own part of the team. This isn’t Rock n’ Jock football, go meddle in somebody else’s affairs.
Colts (+2.5) at Cardinals
I got nothing here. Sorry.
Panthers (+9.5) at Cowboys
Nine and a half? Do they not know Tony Romo is the anti-closer? He is as clutch as a broken condom in Brazil.