Holy shit, the Lions won. No typos there. The Detroit Lions actually won a NFL game that counted. That’s the first time anyone can say that since Dec. 23, 2007. Detroit put the beatdown on the Redskins, 19-14, and turned Jim Zorn into this week’s winner of “Most Likely To Be Fired” where the contestants are every human being ever.
Brett Favre pulled one straight from his anus. Favre threw a 32-yard TD pass to some rookie with 2 seconds left to steal a 27-24 win for the Vikings over the visiting 49ers. The game-winning TD was caught by Greg Lewis (the fuck is a Greg Lewis?) and saved Minnesota from losing to the Niners on a day when Frank Gore only had one carry for four yards. Fuck you, Frankie. 51 fantasy points last week and 0.4 this week? I hate your face. Next week, the Vikings host the Packers on Monday night in a game that will cause 98% of the football media to cream themselves talking about the ol’ gunslinger versus his old ‘mates. Watch ESPN on mute this week. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
The Bengals. Legit? Who woulda thunk it? The ‘Natti boys forced the Steelers to kiss the baby on a game-winning TD with 15 seconds left after converting two fourth downs on the final drive. A few things to take away from this game: 1) Carson Palmer is officially healthy, and that means the Bengals are a force. 2) Fuck Ben Rothel-something, that guy’s not even tight. A bad/struggling Steelers team is a good thing. And 3) A good Bengals team means more Ochocinco, which means more awesomeness. Child please.
Bears Avoid Eye Injuries, Beat Seahawks. Despite missing seven starters, including the quarterback, Seattle had a late 2-point lead over Da Bears, but Devin Hester hauled in a pass from Jay Cutler and scored the game-winning TD with under two minutes left (shown here sprinting away from the slime-encrusted defense, most likely wondering just what the fuck they were wearing all game). Cutler finished with 247 yards and 3 touch-tiggitys on the afternoon. Seriously though, what was up with the uniforms, Seattle? That’s not a real color. It doesn’t even make sense. Don’t do it again.
Packers Pwn Rams, Still Might Be Bad. Despite a slow-ish start, the Pack dominated the Rams in the ‘Lou to the tune of 36-17. Aaron Rodgers was sacked twice in the first quarter, but never again, and Ryan Grant finished with a tough 99 yards on the ground. Greg “The Real Ochocinco” Jennings only had two catches, but they totaled 103 yards. Donald Driver made a baller 46-yard one-handed catch while being interfered with and the Pack got some swagger back after last week’s loss to Cincinnati. Or maybe they just beat up on one of the worst NFL teams in recent memory. Definitely one of the two.
Eagles Crush Chiefs, Vick Doesn’t Kill Anything. Unnecessary? You know it. Over the line? Completely, and probably twice. But at least he’s playing again. To all the Vick-haters, let it rest. Go after Donte’ Stallworth … you know, the guy who KILLED A HUMAN BEING WITH A CAR WHILE DRUNK AND HIGH and only served 24 DAYS in jail. Get some perspective. Vick did his time. He did some god awful, terrible things, but he paid his debt to society. Let him go back to being a mediocre quarterback or whatever it is he does these days as I step off my hastily-erected soapbox. (Ed. note: Vick’s stats: 1 carry, 7 yards; 0-for-2 passing.)
Next week, there will be a bunch of football games between NFL franchises. In the history books, they will refer to it as “Week 4.” Enjoy.