Fantasy God … Steve Smith
The Giants-version Steve Smith that is. The “great route-runner” from USC that had another game of over 100 yards received to go along with two scores. You know what kind of receivers are called great route-runners? The ones that aren’t fast or strong, they aren’t tall or lean — they’re average sized, average speed, non-white guys. See, if they were white, they’d be called possession receivers. I don’t get it either. Which leads me to believe that calling someone a “great route-runner” is basically code for “I have no idea why this guy is good at football, but he is, so we’re going to have to figure out how to compliment him without lying.” Congratulations Steve Smith, you’re the Pablo Sandoval of football — nobody can explain your success.
Fuck you … Braylon Edwards
Inconsistent WRs are like the plague in fantasy football. Once you catch it, there’s nothing you can do except watch yourself slowly waste away toward your inevitable death while listening to yourself try to convince yourself that Devone Bess might be a really good pickup. DEVONE BESS BLOWS. It’s like convincing yourself that the girl at the end of the bar is actually kind of cute. If you have to convince yourself, then you know she isn’t. You never had to convince yourself Eva Mendes was hot, or Reggie Wayne was worth starting — so stop trying to force your ineptitude on Devone Bess. He can’t end your losing streak, and neither can that pigeon-toed skank ordering her third vodka-cranberry.
You aren’t supposed to be good … Joe Flacco
Just imagine how good Joe Flacco would be if he didn’t have a hideous uni-brow?
10 times better? 100 times better? I’ve got to imagine that Flacco’s uni-brow is like wearing a ski cap pulled down too far. His vision would probably increase ten-fold just from a quick waxing. And I don’t understand why he has the thing anyway. It’s not like Drew Brees, that unsightly freakish defect is there to stay, all he needs is some hot wax, an Asian hairdresser lying about her name (Stacey? Yeah, and my name is Suchin Pak) and a Popsicle stick. We can’t get him this? Can’t Ray Lewis stab him hold him down and force him to do it? We’ll tell Ray it’s a New Jersey baptism, he’ll be none the wiser.
I love you … Antonio Gates
Since I decided to draft the shittiest of shitty receiving corps in one of my fantasy leagues (Santonio Holmes, Nate Burleson, Devery Henderson, Eddie Royal and Steve Breaston can all die horrible, catch-free deaths) I’ve relied on you to provide me with some sort of offensive firepower. This is also the league in which I have your pathetic teammate LaDanian Doubtfulson, whose injury went from what I thought was a slight ankle sprain to some horrific woe like a severed foot or Ebola of the toes. Antonio, please continue your reign as king shit of the TE world.
Ride the pine … Darren McFadden and Michael Bush
Exhibit A: The Oakland Raiders are playing at the New York Giants
Exhibit B: JaMarcus Russell is the worst starting quarterback (and possibly one of the worst back-up quarterbacks) in the NFL. (Sidenote: when pompous, jackass ESPN personalities such as Mark Schlereth call the NFL “the National Football League”, I want to drive to Bristol, Conn. and slash their tires. Am I going to mistake the NFL with the NFL — the National Forensic League? Am I that stupid? No. You know why? Because I’m not Mark Schlereth. In fact, the only time Mark Schlereth should call the NFL “the National Football League” is if America clones Mark Schlereth and clone-Mark Schlereth is watching original Mark Schlereth on ESPN. Because Mark Schlereth is a complete idiot, and he might need it spelled out for him.)
Exhibit C: The Giants have a better-than-good defense. Your move, Grim Reaper Al Davis.
Get your lucky underpants on … Clinton Portis
Trust me on this one. He’s going to go off.
Don’t you dare sleep on … Mike Wallace
It goes against conventional thinking to type this, but Pittsburgh has thrown for the third most yardage in the NFL. and since apparently Santonio Holmes can’t catch (5 drops in 3 games), someone’s going to have to step up opposite of Hines Ward, because he’s too busy crying and crackback blocking defenseless offensive players after turnovers and listening to John Gruden gush about how he is the toughest man ON THE EARTH EVER CREATED SINCE JESUS BEAT UP GODZILLA.
Last week’s predictions: I picked the Pats running backs to produce nothing, Matt Forte to get busy and Justin Gage to raise eyebrows like The Rock used to. 74 yards and 1 TD for the Patriots committee, with the touchdown going to Sammy Morris not Fred Taylor or Kevin Faulk. Point Andy. Forte had 140 total yards and saw pay dirt once. 12-Gage on the other hand: 1 catch for 15 yards. If you can’t dial it up against the Jags defense, you are truly awful. No soup for you 12-Gage, myabe they’ll let you catch passes from Vince “Manic Man” Young. That makes me 2/3 this week. Not too shabby, Andy. Not too shabby at all.
Season Predictions: 5.5/10