Fantasy Football: Are you in last yet?

Week 3:
Fantasy God … Maurice Jones-Drew
Ugh, this backfired in my face. I gotta be honest, I’ve never been high on MoJo because I don’t think anyone should be drafting an 800-yard rusher with a top-3 pick. But did he make me feel silly pants this past week. 147 total yards and 3 scores will do that. However, the Texans do have a horrid rush defense, so I guess it’s not really that impressive. No, it was impressive, but I was born a hater and I will die a hater, and you better believe I spend all the time in between hating indiscriminately.

Fuck you … T.O.
Roddy White, you lucked out this week (4 rec, 24 yds) because Terrell Owens was fucking clown shoes this week. 0 catches. None. Zero. Nyet (I know, that’s “No”, just play along). Zilch. Nada. What was your streak T.O.? 185 games with a catch? Well that’s over. How does that taste? I remember watching Michael Jordan as a Wizard when he snapped his streak for consecutive games with 10+ points. Fortunately, I could care less about T.O. so this means nothing to me. Remember Terrell, you chose Buffalo — dumb.

You aren’t supposed to be good … DeSean Jackson
6 grabs, 149 yards and a tiggity-touch. Is Jackson really supposed to be this good? Especially with Kevin Kolb chucking the piggy to him? I don’t think so. Right now, you have the 6th most points in one of my leagues. Sixth! Come on, you know it’s a league rule that Donovan McNabb isn’t allowed to have good wide receivers. That’s why T.O. poisoned the team all those years ago. League policy, he was just being a professional. Do you really want to get on Roger Goodell’s bad side DeSean? Do you know what he does to unruly NFL players? Have you seen Braveheart? The part with the midgets? Where the festoon Mel Gibson’s intestines around like it’s some 4-year-old girls birthday party? That’s what happens when you fuck with The Ginger.

I love you … Pierre Thomas
You had one catch for -4 yards last week, and the injury reports said you were iffy for the game against Buffalo. Plus you’re on the New Orleans’ Brees, the pass-happy offense that could score on a chastity belt, what chance did you have to put up 127 yards and two scores? Apparently a pretty good one, because you did just that you beautiful son of a bitch. Added bonus: every game you play well in means Reggie Bush probably did not play well in the same game, and we all know that Reggie Bush eats babies. I will not support anybody that eats babies, because I was raised with sound morals.

This week:
Ride the pine … Any New England Patriot Running Back
The Baltimore Ravens are an unstoppable force right now. They are like a plague of locusts, destroying everything they encounter, and the Pats rushers are going to be eaten alive. Laurence Maroney (aka the bad Minnesota running back with dreads), Fred Taylor, BenJarvis Green-Ellis, Kevin Faulk, and all the rest of yous: Get ready to go nowhere. I know, I know, only Taylor is even a fringe starter, so this information is neither helpful nor surprising, but trust me, this hodge-podge group is going to be owned worse than Steve Nash on defense. Look out!

Get your lucky underpants on … Matt Forte
You have been spectacularly below average for the majority of this season, but your next game is against the ALMOST .500 DETROIT LIONS! They are riding high after their first win in the Obama administration era (I assume they are all bleeding heart liberals) and they are ready for a huge let down. Why? Because they are the Detroit Lions. They blow hard. And the Bears are the team to remind them of that. Matt Forte, I expect over 100 yards rushing with at least two scores via air, land or even sea (Don’t ask me how, but the stadium is right by Lake Michigan so use your imagination).

Don’t you dare sleep on … Justin Gage
Before you try and chastise me for picking a Mizzou alum, check yourself. Jacksonville has the worst pass defense in the league, and Kerry Collins just might be sober enough to find 12-Gage a few times for six points. That’s how I roll here: dedication, research and so on and so forth. If you have Gage, start him, you shant be disappointed.

Injury Report:
Doubtful:
Frank Gore – Impaled by viking horn
Kevin Smith – Win allergy
Marc Bulger – Realized he plays for the Rams, attempted suicide
Questionable:
Felix Jones – Crushed by 1 billion dollar TV
Out:
Chad Pennington – Named Chad

Last week’s predictions: 1.5/3 — I definitely got sit T.J. Houshmanzilly right (5 catches, 34 yards, one fumble lost), but the jury is out whether or not my other two picks were successful or not. Michael Turner had only 50-odd yards, but he did find the end zone, and David Garrard got into the 6-point-zone via the run, and played well-enough to be a serviceable starter last week. So we’re going to give me half of Garrard (he also beat the Texans, which counts for shit in fantasy world but I’ll take it) and count Turner out.
Season Predictions: 3.5/7