Holy Dominance: Reds vs. Astros

By Danny Mehigan

He Who Pwns The Reds

I know this is a little late, and for that, I apologize. Today is one of those rare days where I actually have something to do at work, so the fun comes a little later.

Tonight, the Reds start a four-game series at the Juice Box in Houston and get the privilege of facing ‘Stros ace Roy Oswalt in the opener.

Roy Oswalt simply owns the Reds. If you take joy in other people’s misery and consider yourself a Reds hater, then check out these splits and laugh heartily.

In 26 starts against Cincinnati, Roy Oswalt has throw 182 innings (exactly 7 per start). He has a whip of 1.08 (pretty damn good). His strikeout to walk ratio is a very high 3.43 (excellent for a starting pitcher). His ERA is a paltry 2.47. And most amazing/hysterical … Oswalt is 23-1 against the Reds. 23-1!! The Reds might as well forfeit tonight and save the bullpen for the rest of the series, amiright?

For some reason, they’ll play the game anyway … so here’s the matchups for the weekend (plus Monday):

Friday: Roy Oswalt (0-2, 6.23) vs. Johnny Cueto (0-1, 6.00).

Saturday: Wandy Rodriguez (0-1, 3.00) vs. Aaron Harang (1-1, 0.64).

Sunday: TBA vs. Edinson Volquez (1-1, 9.64).

Monday: Mike Hampton (1-1, 2.45) vs. Bronson Arroyo (2-0, 4.38).

The Meth Bear! It stirs!

by Andy Paschen

GROOWWWLLL!

To quoth one of my favorite writers of all-time, me, I wrote this on April 9th about Milton Bradley.

Watching him go 0-4 is like watching someone poke a hibernating bear with a needle full of meth: either nothing is going to happen, or that bear is going to go fucking crazy.

Lo and behold, thanks to an awful call by some bum umpire on a 3-2 pitch with the bases chalk full of Baby Bears — Milton “The Meth Bear” Bradley awoke from his peaceful slumber yesterday. And he was pissed (and on Meth). Remember children, if an angry bear is chasing you with a syringe full of meth coursing through his veins, make sure you can run faster than your slowest friend. I know, I know, Peter Hofflebauer is one of your best friends (some might say he was the Charizard to your MewTwo), but it’s not your fault he has Osgood Slaughter Disease and can’t run for shit.

Now there is a possibility Bradley could receive a suspension, because he crossed swords with the umpire (the brims of their caps touched). But the Meth Bear scoffs at the idea of a suspension — that ball was clearly ball four! If a suspension is handed down from Bud “Five dollar, five dollar, five dollar haircut” Selig or whoever makes those decisions, expect an appeal from the Cubs.

That, or the grisly mauling of Peter Hofflebauer. Because that’s how the Meth Bear rolls.