Cubs Recap: Games, what games?

by Andy Paschen

Oh, hell there. I didn’t see you come in. What’s that? You’re wondering where is my Cubs recap against the hated Cardinals? It ain’t here. Sorry. Apparently, when you rock one of the Cubs players in the dome with a pitch the concussion (though I don’t think Soriano got one) can be contagious to blog reporters.  But you can read about some of the game from Josh’s post, and for atonement I am going to give you things much more entertaining. Trust me. You’ll be begging me to never recap another game again. But first, let’s get some Cubs related shit out of the way before we move on.

Tangent: I met Ozzie Guillen yesterday. True story. He was at an event I was helping out with. Let me tell you how it all went down.

Me: “Hey Ozzie.”
Ozzie: “Hello.”

Riveting.

That brings the number of famous people I have met up to Kate Mara, Charlie Cox, Ozzie Guillen, D’Wayne Bates, John Paxson and  the man, the myth, the legend: Barack Obama. What a collection!

Anyway, back to the Cubs. I’m not gonna say much about this stuff. Think of it like speed dating, if the girl across from you was a random piece of Cubs information.

Cubs lose the series: L-L-W
Cubs Series Record: 3-2-1 (9-8 overall)

Bullpen Grade:
Friday: C. Carlos Marmol blew the tie.
Saturday: D. David Patton blew chunks (5 ER).
Sunday: B. A blow free game.

Bullpen season GPA: 2.67 (B-) GPA through 17 games.

Friday’s Goat: Carlos Marmol. See above.
Saturday’s Goat: David Patton. Ditto.
Sunday’s Hero: Kosuke Fukudome. 3-5 1 HR 5 RBI. Domo arigato, Mr. Fukumato.

Hero/Goat season leaders:
Hero Squad: Fukudome, Soriano, Ramirez – 2.
Fontenot, Johnson, Lilly,  Zambrano, Ramirez – 1.
Goat Bastards: Bradley, Patton – 2.
Cotts, Fontenot, Gregg, Harden, Hoffpauir – 1.

Right, now let’s get to the good stuff. Recently I have come across an explosion of Web sites of pure genius. not because they are especially well done, but because they take the most important part of the internet and exploit it like a poor 18-year-old in LA’s porn district. Attention span. You need nil to read these websites. They are niche sites that work. Enjoy.

SnacksandShit.com – Remember when you were driving in your hoopdie and you were listening to Lil Wayne, when he rapped: “Dear Mr. toilet, I’m the shit.” And then you thought to yourself, Worst. Boasting. Ever. Well Snacks and Shit takes your favorite bad rap lyrics and points out how bad they are.

Example: “Where the fuck is Queens? Where the fuck is Queens? Where the fuck is Queens?” – Pharoahe Monch. Filed under: The WORST back seat driver of all time.

TextsFromLastNight.com – Remember that text you sent last night after the fifth of Goldschlager you pounded? I bet you don’t. fortunately Texts from last night does. It truly is comedy gold.

Example: (601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
(318): Alcohol?
(601): Sex with a fat chick.

StraightCashHomey.net – Go to Straight Cash Homey to laugh at people who do not know how to spend their money on sports memerobilia properly. Nothing says, “My life didn’t turn out the way I had hoped,” quite like a Samaki Walker LA Lakers jersey.

Example: Let’s just say a lot of people liked Keith Van Horn.

whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com – This Web site has the added bonus of having a domain name that pretty much sums up the entirety of the site. Just like Straight Cash Homey, except the jerseys are babies.

Example: You’ll have to see it to believe it.

Brewers and Astros: YoGa! YoGa! YoGa!

By Danny Mehigan

"Don't bring that weak shit in here!" - Mike Cameron, to Humberto Quintero's face

The SAT v2.0: What the hell am I talking about?

Q: “That’s two thus far, Shooter.”

I. Brewers series wins in 2009.

II. Consecutive wins with Jeff Suppan on the mound.

III. McGavin’s shot total when he reached the green on the 18th hole at the Tour Championship.

A: It’s the last one, you idiot. It’s clearly a movie line. That’s where I get 95% of my jokes. You know I’m not clever on my own.

And that’s your lesson of the week, folks. Sure all three answers are right, but somehow only the third is right. So it is just like the SAT. Have fun getting into your dream school with that awful score … in YO face!

Friday – Brewers 5, Astros 2: John Belusi and the rest of the Deltas probably want a toga party, but I’ll settle for a celebration of Yovani Gallardo (Editor’s note: I’ll be leaving Midwest Swing for the New York Post as soon as a copyeditor job comes open, which should be anytime now). Gallardo threw a complete game gem, only giving up a 2-run bomb to Carlos “El Caballo” Lee. He was quite masterful, but more on him later. The Crew finally broke through against Felipe Paulino in the fourth with four straight RBI singles and Slick Rick Weeks added a Jimmy Jack Snack Pack (read: home run) to round out the scoring. The play of the game, however, came when J.J. Hardy singled to right and Mike Cameron tried to score. The throw beat him home, and the result is pictured above. Humberto Quintero is on the disabled list with a strained shoulder (and probably sore ladyparts as well), while Killa Cam is still playing.

Saturday – Brewers 9, Astros 8 (11 innings): I can’t tell if this was a resilient comeback win or a let’s-blow-it-twice-and-get-lucky win. Either way, it wrapped up the second straight series for the Crew thanks to Ryan Braun‘s RBI single in the top of the 11th. Right after Milwaukee scored twice in the 8th to take a 6-4 lead, Todd Coffey blew it by giving up three in the bottom half. Prince Fielder hit his second dinger of the night, a 2-run shot, to give Milwaukee the lead again in the top of the 9th. Not to be outdone, Carlos Villanueva blew the save by no fault of his own. With two outs and a man on second, Bill Hall made an awful throw to first after picking up a grounder. When Prince couldn’t scoop it, the ‘Stros had tied it again. But when Braun’s single won it in the 11th, Mil-town could celebrate a 3-hit, 4 RBI day from Hall, 4 hits from Braun, 2 doubles from Hart, 6 decent innings from Suppan and most importantly, another win.

Sunday – Astros 3, Brewers 2: The Spacemen took the series finale in close but relatively uneventful fashion.

Told you it was boring. This guy reportedly grabbed a siesta for 7 of the 9 innings on Sunday.

*We don’t get in-person photos much, so it had to be used. Good work, secret Midwest Swing investigative photographer. That’s the thing people, we’re everywhere. Keep your head on a swivel, because MWS is watching.*

Russ Ortiz locked down the Brewer bats for five innings and Pudge Rodriguez went deep while throwing out two runners. Manny Parra took the loss despite only giving up one earned run in five innings. He gave up two unearned when Slick Rick knocked down a line drive headed his way, but since it wasn’t fourth down and this isn’t football, it was not a good idea. The Crew had some opportunities late, especially in the 7th inning when the first two got on base in front of Braun, Fielder and co., but nobody could drive in the trying run. Even with the loss, the Brewers finish the road trip with a 5-4 record and head back home pleased with their general direction.

Hot Fire Player of the Series: I wanted to go non-obvious here, but I can’t do it. Yovani Gallardo takes the cake with his complete game masterpiece on Friday night. His first career complete game consisted of 106 pitches, no walks, seven strikeouts, only five hits and one very awesome cheering section (Gallardo was born in Mexico, grew up in Fort Worth, Texas) that somehow snuck down to the seats behind the Brewers dugout and went nuts as he finished the job. The runner-up goes to Mike Cameron, who went 5-for-11 with 3 doubles, 2 RBI, 2 walks, some highlight-reel catches and gets extra bonus points for the aforementioned knockout of Quintero.

Weak Sauce Player of the Series: It’s tough to get in a rhythm when you barely get at-bats, but Brad Nelson is avoiding rhythm like the swine flu (Yeah, I read the main section of the paper, too. Taste it.) Nelson got his first start of the year on Sunday and went 0-for-4 while leaving five men on base, including a strikeout with the bases loaded. He’s now 0-for-12 with five strikeouts on the season. I felt the need to give him the business here because he’ll probably be in the minors before I have the chance to do it again. So get your game up, Brad. The people want production.

Records: 8-10, 5th in the Central. 6-6 on the road.

Next up: The Crew finally heads home for a 3-game set with the Pirates. I hope it’s the Somalian ones. That way, it’d be an easy kill for our government, not to mention an easy win for the Brewers, since I doubt those Pirates are any good at baseball. Braden Looper, Dave Bush and Yovani Gallardo will do the honors on the mound.

Cards/Cubs: Two out of three ain’t bad (Some famous dude sang that, right?)

He's not a machine. He's just a badass.

By Josh Mosley

Is it just me or does it seem like these two squads locked horns last week? Oh they did???? Well in my face, huh? Anyway these two teams love to hate each other or some other bunk ass cliche’ like that. And with last week’s four gamer getting cut short by Baseball God’s lifelong nemesis (that pesky bitch known as rain) the series ended with the Baby Bears taking two of three and claiming a default series win. So time to right the ship. Seriously, I’ve got to find some more original sayings. JAMON!!!!!!!!!

Friday: The previous four games that had been played in this series had been about as air tight as CC Sabathia’s pants post Thanksgiving dinner. So no one was shocked that the opener came down to a the wire. But I bet nobody thought it would come down to the legs, and not the bat, of Albert Pujols. Albert channeled his inner Benny “the Jet” Rodriguez and swiped second base in the bottom of the eighth inning before a single by Ryan Ludwick put the Cards ahead 4-3. Kyle McClellan got his first win of the season and Franklin closed it out. All she wrote. End game. You ain’t gotta go but you got to get the hell outta here!!!! Cards win 4-3.

Saturday: “Well that escalated quickly”—Ron Burgandy. He wasn’t doing guest commentary for the game but that would have been he would have been an upgrade to the FS Midwest crew. Despite loading up the bases, the Cubbies were in striking distance at 3-1 in the seventh inning. Then Pujols decided to go into destruction mode (that ESPN commercial wasn’t fooling anyone, Pujols. You’re all machine, pal) as he sent a David Patton delivery into the left field bleachers. The school air conditioner blew a fuse and everyone got sent home as the lead got pushed to 7-1. A few more insurance runs tacked on and that was your game. St. Louis wins the series. Cards win 8-2.

Sunday: Is it just me or is Todd Wellemayer incapable of a quality start this month. He’s looked the shakiest of all the Cardinals starter in each of his starts thus far and Sunday was no different. He spotted the Cubs four runs in the first two innings, including a pitchers biggest no-no of walking in a run. And try as they might, the Cards couldn’t complete the comeback. Homers from Micah Hoffpauir and Kosuke Fukudome (he ended up with five RBI’s) put the game out of reach in the late innings. So went the nine-game home win streak and the rivals are tied at six games a piece through the first two series of 2009. Cubs win 10-3.

Hotfire Player of the Series: It would be easy to give this one to Pujols, with him being superhuman and all, but I’m going to go against the grain and go with newbie Joe Thurston. Appearing in all three games (two starts, one pinch hit) Thurston went 3 for 7 with 3 RBI’s. Thurston has been good in his Tommy Saunders-like role (Mizzou football fans know what that means) being reliable in tough spots and consistently steady this season. The Cards have a way of getting bit by the injury bug from time to time so ultimately he’ll be valued for much of 2009 if used sparingly. Big ups to Joe Thurston.

Weak Sauce Player of the Series: The aforementioned Todd Wellemayer. Too easy? Perhaps. But something has to be done. He hasn’t made it past the sixth this entire season. He’s gone over 100 pitches his last two outings. It seems like this is a season long honor but it just needs to be said. It’ll be interesting to see how Dave Duncan and TLR wants to address this.

Next up: the Cards head down to the dirty to keep the Braves down in A-Town.

Reds. Braves. Thrice in one weekend.

By Danny Mehigan

The Power of the Canuck

The Reds came back from the recent 10-game road trip – the season’s longest – clearly tired of hotels, flights, buses and evidently, winning. Los Bravos de Hot-lanta were not very friendly to the hosts this weekend. They clearly could not star in a reprise of Houseguest. Oh, Sinbad, you crazy sonofabitch!

Friday – Braves 4, Reds 3: Edinson Volquez should be credited with respecting his elders in his latest start, as he took a page out of Jeff Suppan’s Milwaukee playbook and completely forgot how to throw the ball over the plate. He only gave up one hit in five innings, but Jeff Francouer hit it a mile. Volquez walked seven, including two with the bases loaded. Most importantly, he took the lead in bench-clearing incitements after he drilled Yunel Escobar with a pitch early in the game. There was a lot of rabble rousing, but no fighting. Everybody loves a good rabble rousing. After two straight wins against the Cubs with a new-fangled lineup, manager Dusty Baker went back to Brandon Phillips in the cleanup spot, and he produced with 2 K and an 0-for-3 performance. Oh, wait. Damn. FAIL. Damn you, Dusty.

Saturday – Braves 10, Reds 2: After three straight wins, Bronson Arroyo wanted some time away from the limelight, so the humble guitarist/pitcher got knocked around by Atlanta. It got bad enough that I believe Ludacris even had two hits, though that has not been verified. To his credit, the Braves hit four balls in the general vicinity of leftfielder Chris Dickerson that he managed to screw up. Took a bad route here, made a funny-looking dive there, just plain missed it once – and he went 0-for-5 with 4 strikeouts at the dish. Tough day at the office for Mr. Dickerson. Thankfully, there was more rabble rousing as Jerry Hairston Jr. and Dusty Baker got ejected over a strike three call in the third inning. Derek Lowe forced the Reds hitters into dunce caps all day, going seven strong while allowing just four hits and notching eight strikeouts.

Sunday – Reds 8, Braves 2: The Reds finally figured out the ways of the Braves – you’re behind the times Cincinnati, John Smith had Pocahontas locked down ages ago – and got a win in Sunday’s series finale. It all came together as Micah Owings got his first win on the mound by giving up just one run in seven innings (and had a double among his two hits because he’s tight like that), Jay Bruce went deep twice and Joey Votto had two doubles (he has 9 already this year!) and three ribbies.

Hot Fire Player of the Series: For the first time this season, Jay Bruce takes home the hardware (Editor’s note: There is no hardware.). He went 5-for-10 with 2 doubles, 2 dingers, 2 walks, 4 runs scored, and 4 RBI against Atlanta. In fact, Jay’s on a six-game hitting streak since he took a day off against Houston about a week ago. While Votto has been on fire all season, he’ll need Bruce to step up and help him out if Cincy is going to contend in the Central. So it’s good to see him start to do that. He’s up to .286 on the year and is slugging over .600.

Weak Sauce Player of the Series: While I wanted to rip on Bronson Arroyo some more, I’m out of guitar-playing hippie jokes for a few days, so this anti-award goes to Edwin Encarnacion. He will not be pleased for the general public to find out he went 1-for-11 with only a measley single over the weekend and is hitting a pitiful .136 so far this season. Also, I distinctly remember him fielding an easy groundball on Saturday (good job) and throwing it to some guy in the third row (bad job). Friendly, yes, but good for the team, no. Quit being selfish, Edwin, and get your game up.

Records: 10-8, 3rd in the Central. 3-5 at home.

Next up: Three games at home against the Astros. Johnny Cueto vs. Roy Oswalt on Monday night (oooh). Aaron Harang vs. Wandy Rodriguez on Tuesday (aaah). Edinson Volquez vs. Felipe Paulino on Wednesday (booooo!).