Cubs-Padres: A … win?

Longtime friend and rabid Cubs fan Ted Rosenbaum is gracing us with the stirring finale of his experience at all three games between the Padres and Cubs. Mr. Rosenbaum graduate from Penn in something to do with engineering (fancy!) so that makes him more than qualified to write for Midwest Swing, where we only require that our writers are literate in the loosest sense of the word.

Cubs Series Recap vs. Padres: Taste it!

Boom, bitch. Dingers for everyone.

Cubs sweep the series against the Padres: W-W-W
Cubs Series Record: 6-4-2 (20-14 overall)

Instead of my usual notes, today we are going to go optimist, pessimist and write out a list of good news, bad news items for the Cubbies so far. And I don’t really care if you see the cup half-full or half-empty, because who fills a cup up halfway anyway?

Cubs Series Recap (and words about X-Men): Eat fish.

Andy Paschen

Noone told me about the adamantium poops!

I wasn’t able to catch most of the action this weekend people, and for that I apologize. It was a busy weekend between out-of-town guests, Bulls basketball, Blackhawks hockey and pooch-sitting for a family friend. (Life in the suburbs: where amazing happens.) So instead of bullshitting you about what went wrong (hitting is still suspect in the gut of the order) and what went right (minus Thursday the bullpen was solid, they won three of four), I’m going to talk about a movie, X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

First, let’s get our biases/baggage out of the way. It depresses me to say this, but I am not X-Men Origins target audience. You would think that a 22-year-old male who grew up watching their cartoon on FOX Saturday mornings would be the exact person they are trying to get to come see their film, but if you though that you would be wrong. Why? Because I have graduated from recreational fan of comic book/super hero/cartoon stuff to an actual comic book nerd. I read comic books, I know when they come out, I’m starting to be recognized at Comix Revolution on Davis street: I’m a little more intense of a fan than you regular audience member.

But, again, what’s my angle to say that this X-Men movie wasn’t made for me? Because none of the shit that happened in that movie A. didn’t jive according to the years of history Marvel has created for their X-Men characters B. make sense. Period. I left the theater in awe of the utter incompetence of the executives in charge of Marvel’s movie-making decisions. With all due respect to Stan Lee and his people: What the fuck?

1. Wolverine DOES NOT HAVE BONE CLAWS. Why? Why did you give Wolverine bone claws. It doesn’t make any sense. What a horrible mutant power. Essentially, because of this made up fact, for the first 100+ years of Wolverine’s life he could poke people with three sharp sticks that came out of his hands. They’re bone: they aren’t cutting through shit, they are only useful for poking. Remember that Family Guy episode when the Griffin family gets super powers and Meg gets fingernails that grow (this is also, apparently Sabertooth’s power as well. Nerd note: it isn’t)? Do you also remember that the point of her fingernail power was that it was a joke, because it is an incredibly lame power? Do you?

In case you were curious, Wolverine receives the claws when he is made into Weapon X.

2. The biggest screw up with the X-Men franchise was that they totally excluded one of their most popular characters: the cajun accented, gambling womanizer Gambit. So, in what I can only imagine as an effort to apologize to the fans, they included Gambit in this film in all of his card throwing and staff wielding glory. Which was great. Except there was NO REASON for him to be in the film. he had nothing to do with the story, has no connection to Wolverine at this time in his life, and they didn’t even give him an awesome cajun accent! It’s like they threw him into the movie because they knew people liked him and were mad he wasn’t in the other three X-Men flicks. Hey producers: TAKE SOME TIME TO GET IT RIGHT! Gambit isn’t a Wikipedia entry you throw into a college paper the night before because you misread how many sources you were supposed to use.

3. Deadpool: Wrong. Close but wrong. He signed up for the tests, you can’t control him with a goddamn computer and you can’t sew his mouth shut. The whole point of Deadpool is that he’s a son of a bitch that can’t stop cracking wise. For shame producers. For shame. What’s the point of even casting Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool if you’re going to sew his mouth shut?

Ok, I’ve got to stop, my blood pressure is going to give me a stroke. Suffice to say, the plot of the movie was an utter joke: it was an excuse to string as many characters and action sequences together as humanly possible. X-Men was one of my favorite childhood memories. Nightcrawler, Gambit, Colossus, Magneto, the whole gang was a serious part of my developmental stage of life, and watching the executives kill the franchise and bleed it for money ($80+ million opening weekend is more than enough to keep this low-quality trend going) is something that truly hurts my soul. Please Marvel, in the words of the immortal Dave Chapelle, get it together, Grouch. Onto the games.

Cubs win the series against the Florida Marlins: L-W-W-W
Cubs Series Record: 4-3-1 (13-11 overall)

Bullpen Grade:
Thursday: FAIL. Carlos Marmol continued his quest to walk every batter in the N.L. at least once and blew the lead, then Aaron Heilman imploded to the tune of 5 ER without retiring a single batter (Nothing says quality pitching like an infinite ERA) in the 10th, rendering any sort of comeback/win unlikely.
Friday: A. Rich Harden couldn’t make it out of the fourth and the pen filled in quite nicely. Jeff Samardzija, David Patton, Marmol, Neal Cotts and Kevin Gregg pitched 5.1 innings and surrendered only one insignificant run.
Saturday: A. This should probably be an N/A rather than an A, but the 1 IP by Heilman was without a run and all three outs were recorded via strikeout.
Sunday: B. Again, a Cub starting pitcher didn’t make it past the 5th and the bullpen had to protect a lead, though this time it was because of injury, not ineptitude (Carlos Zambrano will probably miss his next start, and a stint on the DL is pssible). 4 IP and 2 ER later, El Pobrecito, Marmol and Gregg helped make sure the Cubs got to raise the W flag and win the series.

Bullpen season GPA: 2.68(B-) GPA through 21 games. You would think that GPA would rise up given the two As and the B, but nothing quite sucks the fun out of the law of averages like a 0.0.

Thursday’s Goat: Aaron Heilman. 6 R (5 ER) in the 10th inning to squish any hope of any dream of any desire of a comeback. Way to ruin the innocence of children Aaron.
Friday’s Hero: Ryan Theriot. If you go 620ish ABs without a home run, it’s nice to hit a granny when you break that stretch. The fact that Theriot then hit a second home run the next day is a sign. Of what, I have absolutely no idea, but a sign none the less.
Saturday’s Hero: Ted Lilly. Just when the pitching staff as a whole needed a break Ted Lilly mans up and goes eight innings strong, allow one tiny little fish escape his net and score.
Sunday’s Hero: Derrek Lee. Derrek, I know I’ve been tough on you this season, what with calling you washed-up and such. And who knows, maybe you are washed up and such. But for now I say thank you for the grand slam and the game winning RBIs and welcome you to the Hero Squad.

Hero/Goat season leaders:
Hero Squad: Fukudome, Lilly, Soriano, Ramirez, Zambrano – 2.
Fontenot, Johnson, Lee, Theriot – 1.
Goat Bastards: Bradley, Patton – 2.
Cotts, Fontenot, Gregg, Harden, Heilman, Hoffpauir – 1.

Next up: Two pint-sized, two-game series against the San Francisco Giants and the Houston Astros. The good news: Both of the those teams aren’t very good. The bad news Tim Lincecum is starting for the Giants in game two. Ideally, the Cubs should go 3-1 or 4-0, but realistically look for a split.

Cubs Series Recap vs. Cincinnati: Cubs … lose?

by Andy Paschen

I know how you feel kid. I know how you feel all too well …

Cubs lose the series: W-L-L
Cubs Series Record: 3-1-1 (8-6 overall)

Notes:

• What Milton Bradley game was Milton Bradley? Mouse Trap. You take all that time and effort setting up the boot and the pail and the marbles and shit (like signing Milton Bradley to a $30 million deal and putting him 4th in the order) and when someone finally does get on the circle underneath the upside-down clothes basket or birdcage or what have you, somewhere along the line something gets caught and nothing happened (Bradley bats .043 and gets injured). Basically, if that Mouse Trap doesn’t fall down soon I want my money back.

• Bueller? Bueller? Offense? Anyone? No? Great. Seven runs in game one, two in the next two games. I can’t wait for the weather to warm up. and Milton Bradley to remember he’s a professional baseball player.

• Your first real roster move is here … Shark in the water! Gone is Luis Vizcaino, who was designated for assignment (read: released) and up comes Jeff Samardzija, who MWS wanted up in the bigs from the start.

Bullpen Grade:
Tuesday: A. 3 IP no runs 3 H between Aaron Heilman (1.o IP) Neal Cotts (0.1 IP) Carlos Marmol (0.2 IP) and Vizcaino (1.0 IP – the last IP he ever IPed for the Cubs) means the bullpen gets a gold star today.
Wednesday: C-. 2ER in 2 IP doesn’t not a good bullpen make. Angel “El Pobrecito” Guzman and Kevin Gregg share the blame for killing any potential Cubsback (Cubs comeback).
Thursday: C-. 2 IP turns into 3 ERs and cements the Cubs first losing series. Cotts surrendered the first and El Pobrecito was responsible for the next two. I have a feeling Cotts is going to have a lot in common with Scott Eyre pretty soon if he doesn’t shape up. Especially the ex-Cub part.

Bullpen season GPA: 2.81 (B-) GPA through 14 games. With the addition of Jeff Samardzjia there’s reason to believe the number will steadily improve. But without any quality left-handers the improvement might take longer than it should.

Tuesday’s Hero: Aramis Ramirez. 3-5 3 RBI and the hit that chased Micah Owings out of the game in the fifth. Fearless prediction: this will be the most productive year (barring injury) Ramirez has had as a Cub. Also, is he not one of the most underrated players in the N.L.? You would think it would be impossible for a Cub to be underrated, but he might be the truth.
Wednesday’s Goat: Milton Bradley. 0-4 3K 3 LOB and a pathetic excuse of running out a ground ball. Next time you see Bradley in the line-up, and who in Starbuck’s Viper knows when that’ll be, he’ll be batting 6th.
Thursday’s Goat: Micah Hoffpauir. 1-4 4 LOB and an error that turned a 3-1 game into a 4-1 game.

Hero/Goat season leaders:
Hero Squad: Soriano, Ramirez – 2.
Fontenot, Fukudome, Johnson, Lilly,  Zambrano, Ramirez – 1.
Goat Bastards: Bradley – 2. Cotts, Fontenot, Gregg, Harden, Hoffpauir, Patton – 1.

Cubs Series Recap vs. Cardinals: Where no lead is safe

by Andy Paschen

Lot of late inning heroics here by both teams, but fortunately for this guy (two thumbs right here!) the Cubs eeked out more wins than losses in the series. Let’s jump into the nitty gritty.

Cubs win the series (technically it was a four game series, but mother Earth decided to change it to three): L-W-W
Cubs Series Record: 3-0-1 (7-4 overall)

Notes:

• What Milton Bradley game was Milton Bradley? Thursday: Operation. Home plate umpire Larry Vanover tried to delicately call Bradley out on strikes when he pinch hit in the 7th. But Vanover must have touched the side when trying to remove Bradley’s angry bone, because the call sent Uncle Milty into a fury, and he huffed and puffed until Vanover kindly asked him to leave the game via ejecxt message.

• Coming to Barnes and Noble near you: Derrek Lee and the Deathly Fastballs. In the bottom of the ninth on Saturday against Ryan Franklin, Franklin threw fastball after fastball after fastball in Lee’s AB. Derrek Lee in 2005 would have ended the game then and there, but 2009 Derrek Lee wasn’t fast enough to turn on the 88-92 mph offerings Franklin was serving up with no 2nd pitch. Derrek Lee and Carlos Zambrano (there will be a post about this later in the week), your suns look to be beginning to set.

• “You just made the biggest mistake of your life.” — Alfonso Soriano’s arm is  In the top of the 10th on Saturday Fonzi doubled up Chris Duncan at second with a lightning fast throw. It’s a good thing Duncan can hit, because he is just useless as a baseball player otherwise. And say what you will about Soriano’s outfield play, but do not test the man’s arm. Unless you want to have a post on FAIL blog.

• The Cubs were lucky to take two of three in the series. But the Cardinals were lucky not to get swept. Confused? The games this weekend we so close that really either team could have swept or gotten swept. Furthermore, the Cubs and Cardinals look like mirror images of each other: good hitting lineups that sock a lot of dingers, good starting pitching and not so good relief.

Bullpen Grade:
Thursday: D. Aaron Heilman blew the lead first, then David Patton promptly failed to keep the game tied for a combine line of 1.2 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, 2 BB. Angel Guzman (El Pobrecito!) got tagged for a run in the 8th to quell and hope of a comeback.
Friday: A. Aaron Heilman did his job. Carlos Marmol made it interesting, but both of them left the game unscathed. Marmol closed the game out. Me thinks Piniella was scared of Kevin Gregg vs. Pujols with the game on the line.
Saturday: B+. Yes, Marmol did give up the lead when Yadier Molina raked a double down the line with a man on second in the 8th inning, but 5 innings of one-run ball against your hated rival with a number of big bats is worth a higher grade. Plus, the gutsy two inning outing by Kevin Gregg was his best outing of the year thus far.

Bullpen season GPA: 2.9 (B/B-) in 11 games. Thursday’s debacle cost the team any chance to make the deans list for the season.

Thursday’s Goat: David Patton. Walks’ll get ya, and Patton’s two base-on-balls lead to the winning runs crossing home plate for the Dirty Birds.
Friday’s Hero: Alfonso Soriano love going 0-3 with 3 Ks and then socking the go ahead dinger.
Saturday’s Hero: Aramis Ramirez was 0-5 coming into the 11th. But 1-6 with the game winner means he wears the hero’s crown.
Sunday’s Goat: Tlaloc, the Aztec rain god. Sunday night’s prime time game was washed out, ruthless punishment handed down from the mighty Tlaloc due to the recent lack of human sacrifice on his altar. Might I suggest an offering?

Hero/Goat season leaders:
Hero Squad: Finally, the logjam atop my subjective MVP calculator has been cleared. Soriano for MVP! – 2
Fontenot, Fukudome, Johnson, Lilly,  Zambrano, Ramirez – 1
Goat Bastards: Still, I’m surprised that no one has stepped up to claim top spot in the LVP race. Neifi Perez would have locked this thing up last week. Bradley, Cotts, Fontenot, Gregg, Harden, Patton – 1

On Tap: Cincinnati (6-5) comes to town on Tuesday.

Cubs Series Recap vs. Rockies: RockApril!

by Andy Paschen

Photo credit: Andy Paschen. Writing and photography? That's why they call me the double threat. (note: they do not call me that)

Instead of giving you daily, instant recaps of games that have been played, here at Midwest Swing we are going to recap series instead, in hopes that a different perspective will give some insight and information that went previously unnoticed.

You taste that Cubs fans? That’s the subtle, smooth flavor of eating your words. You booed Jason Marquis when he was introduced on Tuesday, you booed Jason Marquis Wednesday and for that you were justly punished. Marquis no only shut the Cubs’ bats down, but also showed why he is a professional man of leisure by socking a two run single into center. Don’t blame me though, for I gave Jason Marquis a tepid applause when he was announced. Why? Because he wasn’t good enough to betray us by signing with another team last year and he wasn’t bad enough to cost the Cubs important games: Why boo him?

Cubs split the series: W-L
Cubs Series Record: 2-0-1 (5-3 overall)

Notes:

• Walks, walks, walks. On Tuesday, they Cubs drew nine walks. Cubs win. The next game the Cubs draw three walks. Cubs lose. As of Thursday, the Cubs are 4th in the N.L. in walks (2nd if you take out IBBs), which is a very good thing. Lou Piniella wanted high OBP guys and it looks like he’s got them.

• This is probably the most worthy thing I saw from Wednesday: A friend of a friend of a friend was wearing a Snuggie. I don’t like swearing, but she was wearing a fucking Snuggie. People caught wearing Snuggies should be punished accordingly, though I imagine they are punished by simply being dumb enough to purchase a Snuggie. What, is your arm too cold to movie it from out under the blanket? Life gets a lot harder than arm warmth, buddy, so if you’re struggling with that you might as well pack it in.

• The Cubs won Tuesday with their JV team. No Milton Bradley, no Aramis Ramirez, no Geovany Soto, no Carlos Marmol? No prob, Bob. But as Wednesday showed (though Soto did come back for that contest) the JV squad can’t play everyday because the consistency just isn’t there.

• Derrek Lee: 2-3 1 RBI, 2 BB on Tuesday, 3-4 1 HR, 1 RBI on Wednesday. It’s going to be very, very important for Lee to stroke this season. Here’s why: Ramirez, Bradley and Soto have already been hurt (not including the fact that Soto can’t play 130 games every year as a catcher), and Alfonso Soriano is no sure thing not to get hurt. That means that you could see a a lot of games with the heart of the order being Kosuke Fukudome, Lee, Fontenot. Think about it: I trash Fukudome — he steps up. I trash Derrek Lee — he steps up. I feel like Rob Schneider in Surf Ninjas.

Bullpen Grade:
Tuesday: A. Angel “El Pobrecito” Guzman got Ted Lilly out of a jam, and he, Aaron Heilman and Kevin Gregg helped hold the Rockies to one hit. Total.
Wednesday: A-. Rich Harden couldn’t go more than 3 innings, so the bullpen had to show up. 6 innings, 4 hits and 1 HR later they proved they could answer the call. The only blemish between David Patton, Luis Vizcaino, Neal Cotts and El Pobrecito was a Dexter Fowler double in the 8th that plated a run.
Bullpen season GPA: 2.96 (B). This series is the first that the bullpen has aced every test.

Tuesday’s Hero: Ted Lilly. 6 innings of no-hit baseball is an easy way to avoid the “Goat Bastard” label.
Wednesday’s Goat: Rich Harden. 3 innings, 100 pitches, 4 ER. I know that the 8 Ks look good, but not when you can’t make it to the 4th. Also, Mike Fontenot gets the goat for getting hosed at 3rd in the 9th with the game tying run at the plate. You don’t make the first out at 3rd, right? Because of this, Fontenot is our first player to get on the Hero list and the Goat list. Pick a side Fontenot, and I suggest you choose wisely.

Hero/Goat season leaders:
Hero Squad: Fontenot, Fukudome, Reed Johnson, Lilly, Soriano,  Carlos Zambrano – 1. You know what that is? That’s balance right there.
Goat Bastards: Bradley, Cotts, Fontenot, Gregg, Harden – 1

Up next: A war as old as time. Sort of. The Cardinals come to town, along with their annoying fans and drunk manager.

Cubs Series Recap vs. Brewers: That was a close one

by Andy Paschen

Instead of giving you daily, instant recaps of games that have been played, here at Midwest Swing we are going to recap series instead, in hopes that a different perspective will give some insight and information that went previously unnoticed.

Cubs take the series: L-W-W
Cubs Series Record: 2-0 (4-2 overall)

Notes:

• The Cubs went three games into the season without a Kira Sedgwick incident (Kira Sedgwick is THE CLOSER! TNT, we know drama.) and controversy is now afoot. Kevin Gregg is performing at the level of someone who is secretly playing for the opposing team, and sports a beefy 12.00 ERA. If you follow the Cubs, get used to it because there are only three ways that this story can play out, and two of them involve considerable news coverage. One: Gregg could right the ship, stop acting like Joe Borowski’s long lost twin and  this becomes a non-story. But this is real life, that’s not going to happen. Two: Gregg could continue to struggle, costing the Cubs valuable games, but Lou Piniella doesn’t replace him with Carlos Marmol, causing every Cubs’ article for the forseeable future to be about the closing situation. Three: Gregg continues to suck and is replaced by Marmol, who will eventually going through a rough patch, leading to countelss articles debating if Piniella made the right move by replacing Gregg. Adjust your schedule accordingly. My opinion? Give Gregg a few more weeks and if we don’t see improvement plug Mr. Marmol in there.

• Milton Bradley and Derrek Lee are struggling. Combined numbers for the Cubs 3-4 hitters: 3-42, 1 HR, 5 RBI. Embarassing. To add injury to insult, Bradley came up lame with a right groin strain and was removed from the game Sunday, only to watch his replacement Reed Johnson gave Tom Emanski a boner by robbing Price Fielder’s potential grand slam. As for Lee, he’s clearly not the hitter he used to be, and it might be time to take him out of the 3 spot. Just for funsies, what do you Cubs’ fans think about this lineup? Ryan Theriot, Kosuke Fukudome/Mike Fontenot, Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez, Bradley, Lee, Geovany Soto, Fontenot/Fukudome. Seems like this collection would do more damage, keep most of the L-R balance and Soriano’s ego would be healed by being the number three hitter.

• Keep and eye on the Mighty Mouse, Mike Fontenot. The guy is playing at a high level all around. He’s batting .333 with an OPS of 1.033 with walks to boot. On the glove side, in Game three he made huge defensive play in the third, diving to his left and nabbing a J.J. Hardy shot with two on and two out. Run saving play. It was overshadowed by Johnson’s ridiculously ridiculous catch, but it was quite important none the less.

Bullpen Grade:
Monday: C. Aaron Heilman (.1 IP, 1 BB), Marmol (.2 IP, 1 BB) and Luis Vizcaino (.2 IP) were good enough to bridge the win to Keving Gregg, who promptly blew the save.

Tuesday: C. My boy, El Pobrecito (Angel Guzman), gives up the tie with two runs in a third of an inning. But Heilman and Marmol lock it down to allow Soriano to save the game.

Wednesday: B. Sean Marshall and Marmol pitched 2 innings with no hits and no strikeouts. That’s good. Gregg pitched the 9th and surrendered two hits a walk and a run, striking out Fielder, the game tying run, to end it. That’s not good.
Bullpen season GPA: 2.667 (B-) in 6 games. Better start hitting the books a little harder fellas.

Monday’s Goat: Gregg. Blew the save. Blew the game. Not much to say here that we didn’t already touch upon earlier.
Tuesday’s Hero: Soriano. Game winning dinger in the bottom of the ninth. Like Big Pun said: He’s not a player he just crush a lot.  The way he uncoils his body when he hits is like a deadly snake, and thusly he should get a snake-like nickname. Kobe already has Mamba: any suggestions? Leave a comment.
Wednesday’s Hero: Johnson. His catch pretty much won the game. Do you think Bradley would have made that catch if he was still in there?

Hero/Goat season leaders:
Hero Squad: Fontenot, Fukudome, Johnson, Soriano,  Zambrano – 1
Goat Bastards: Bradley, Cotts, Gregg – 1

Cubs Series Recap vs. Astros: It’s like 2008 never ended

by Andy Paschen

Instead of giving you daily, instant recaps of games that have been played, here at Midwest Swing we are going to recap series instead, in hopes that a different perspective will give some insight and information that went previously unnoticed.

Cubs Series Record: 1-0

Notes:

• Well, that felt familiar, didn’t it?

• It looks like Ryan Theriot is sporting a tweaked batting stance similar to Aramis Ramirez. He’s on his toes more on his front foot and has turned said foot in towards his body more.

• Speaking of Ramirez, how about that sexy new body he’s sporting? He looks considerably lighter, and though I haven’t heard anything official from any journalists, (step your game up peers) I’d say he’s lost 7-10 pounds. And do you know where those pounds went? Right to his Dominican teammate Carlos Marmol‘s ass, because he looks like he ate a steady diet of lard sandwiches this winter. Maybe he was beefing up because he expected to become the closer, or maybe he just really likes Krispy Kremes.

• Ryan Dempster loves being fertile, as he and his wife crapped out a kid on April 1st. Welcome to America Riley Elizabeth Dempster, now love it or leave it!

• It’s the second game of the season, and I’m already getting texts from Cubs fans nervous that Milton Bradley is going to go Ron Artest on someone’s ass. Watching him go 0-4 is like watching someone poke a hibernating bear with a needle full of meth: either nothing is going to happen, or that bear is going to go fucking crazy.

Because I have decided that the fate of the season rests on the journeymen arms that comprise the Cubs’ bullpen, I’m keeping close tabs of their performance and grading them like they’re in junior high. Bullpen Grade:
Monday: B+. Aaron Heilman gets them out of a jam, but Kevin Gregg gives up a run. Marmol is effectively wild instead of wildly effective. Marmol really needs to be the latter more than the former for his season to be considered a success.

Tuesday: C. Angel “El Pobrecito” Guzman was sharp and Heilman got out of another jam, but Neal Cotts blew the game (no thanks to the Cubs’ offense) and Gregg gave up the game losing hit.

Wednesday: A-. 4 IP, 1 HR. Not bad at all. David Patton settled down after giving up a jimmy jack and El Pobrecito continues to show why he was one of my favorite minor leaguers six years ago by pitching a scoreless ninth. I said he was Cy Young material then and, daggummit, I stand by that statement. Like the old adage says: Highly touted minor leaguers that suffered chronic arm injuries get better with age. Note: there is no such adage.

In an effort to find out who is the true MVC this year, I’m going to be handing out gold starts and frowny faces to players each game and keep a running tally of who is really making a difference day in and day out. Heros and Goats I call it, until I figure out a better, more clever name. When the Cubs win – there’s a hero. When the lose – a goat. Jeez, try to keep up, will ya?

Monday’s hero: Mike Fontenot, 3-4, 2 R, Carlos Zambrano, (1-0) 6.0 IP, 5 H, 1 ER, 3 BB, 6 K

Tuesday’s goat: Bradley, 0-4 with a GIDP and 2 runners LOB (that makes him 0-Cubs at press time). You can’t go 0-fer batting cleanup when your team needs runs. Neal Cotts, 1.0 IP, 2 H, 1 ER, 1 K.

Wednesday’s hero: Kosuke Fukudome, 4-5, 4 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 SB. Serves me right for declaring he sucks yesterday. Clearly Fukudome is an avid reader of Midwest Swing and was enraged by my comments, which means I actually helped him succeed. Kosuke, you can Domo Arigato me later.

Hero Squad: Fontenot, Zambrano, Fukudome – 1
Goat Bastards: Bradley, Cotts – 1

N.L. State of Mind: The Pilot

N.L. State of Mind is a weekly column written by one Andy Paschen. Any attempts to reproduce, rebroadcast or redistribute without expressed written permission by Andy Paschen, Midwest Swing or N.L. State of Mind is strongly encouraged.

Good people, welcome to N.L. State of Mind. Before we begin, I ask that if you have any questions, questions about love, life, how ketchup water is formed and always drains itself on your plate no matter who else used it first — questions about anything at all — please send them to me at midwestswingblog@gmail.com for my upcoming section: Dr. Paschen. It’ll be like ESPN’s Dr. Lou, except it’ll be in the English language. And there will be less spittle. Now, let’s get it.

NLSoM Player of the Week, Weak: These prestigious awards might go to people in the N.L. Central, or they might not. You know why? Because everybody likes receiving arbitrary awards that they will never found out they won, and why should I limit that joy to N.L. Centralites?

NLSoM’s first Player of the Week goes out to The Netherlands baseball team. You guys have one MLB player that anybody can name, Sidney Ponson, and he’s fat enough to put Michael Moore to shame at your local Arby’s. The Dominicans are a powerhouse of baseball, so fearsome they say that when you look into Felipe Alou’s eyes — you see God cry. And you beat them, you crazy Dutchbags, you beat them twice! You beat a team with Hanley Ramirez, Jose Reyes, David Ortiz and Carlos Marmol, especially Carlos Marmol. You made Carlos Marmol wish he could fly to Amsterdam and smoke enough sticky icky to forget he ever agreed to play in the WBC.

Prostitutes, marijuana, now baseball? It’s like your everything America always wanted to be.

And Player of the Weak? The Dominican Republic, who else? Really, you let a bunch of Europeans, not even the Europeans that are good at sports like Germany, France or Russia, whoop your ass at your own game. Eugene Kingsale scored the winning run to beat you. Eugene Kingsale. Who in Taylor Swift hell is Eugene Kingsale?

Do you think the Dutch soccer team would ever let the Dominican Republic knock them out of the World Cup? That would be like LOST making sense. It just doesn’t happen. That would be like US winning in a game of kindness over Canada or the state of Washington beating South Carolina in racism. Black is white, up is down and the Netherlands are better than the Dominican Republic at the game of baseball? I need to sit down.

Old and busted vs. New hotness:
Old and busted: World Baseball Classic roster issues.
New hotness: Spring training roster battles.
When the America’s roster features three starters: Ted Lilly, Roy Oswalt and Jake Peavy and 12 middle relievers (assuming J.J. Putz doesn’t beat out K-Rod as the Mets’ closer) there’s only one thing to say — check please. I don’t care who you put on your team, I just want to chant “USA! USA! USA! in some poor Canadian’s face.”

But spring training roster battles? Even the irrelevant battles become epic, like watching two gladiators fight for their lives. Who doesn’t sit around trying to find out if their team’s final outfielder will be Craig Monroe or Jeff Salazar? But let’s be clear, we’re talking about real roster battles, not contrived bullshit like the Cubs’ 5th starter “battle.” Really Lou? Aaron Heilman has a shot at the 5th starter spot over Sean Marshall and Jeff Samardzija? Whatever you say.

Other battles and predictions worth mentioning:
Mike Fontenot vs. Aaron Miles in the Cub’s 2nd base baby-sized battle royale. Winner: Fontenot, because he’s been on the team longer and is comfortable asking 6’7″ Marshall to put 5’8″Aaron Miles bat on the top shelf.
John Russell vs. Andrew McCutchen in the Pitates’ Leadoff, Outfield and Roster match. Winner: Russell, until Joe Kerrigan realizes Russell isn’t going to hit over .270, and he could field an outfield with two-thirds of the players having “Mc” in their name along with Nate McLouth. Now, if only Jimmy McNulty could play the outfield at a professional level.

What to do on your off day: Call 911 from a fast food restaurant. Listen Tiffany Bennett, I’m with you. You have every right to call 911 three times after McDonalds refused to serve you McNuggets or give you your money back. But if it were me, I would have gone after a better restaurant — Burger King.

A couple of years ago, the King decided that he was too good to serve his lowly peasants the Spicy Tendercrisp sandwich, so he took it off of the menu. And you know what? That spicy chicken sandwich on the value menu isn’t an acceptable replacement. What happened to that spicy sauce, milord? If someone at corporate wasn’t canned (or beheaded, they could run a feudal system over there) then it’s time to bring 5-Oh into this mess.

Lets go shopping! Today, we’re looking to do something for the kids, something that says, “I paid a ridiculous amount of money for something my 4-year-old son will use once for 15 minutes.” Perfect! Let’s read on: “Our cars are pedal powered allowing your child to pedal the car both forward and in reverse. Your Lil’ Cubbie will pedal their heart away while racing towards another exciting season!” Backward and forward? And for only $169.99? The Cubs Shop recommends this Flintstone-inspired Power Wheel for kids aged 3-7, you know, those precious years when children can’t remember anything anyone did for them.

There should be two rules instituted when it comes to sports and kids under the age of 10. Rule one: You cannot buy them any sports merchandise that totals more than $25, with one exception. A racecar bed. Every boy should sleep in a racecar bed for at least one night. Rule two: No child under the age of 10 should be allowed into any meaningful game, no matter what.

Is little Timmy really going to remember more about the NLDS game you took him to for $200 a ticket than that mid-May game against the Nationals for a fraction of the cost? No. God no. I remember my first game at Wrigley. My dad took me out of school, I asked him to take a picture of Andre Dawson in the on-deck circle, I had fun and we went home. That’s it. And I don’t actually remember half of those things, I just know they happened because A. I have a picture of Andre Dawson in the on-deck circle and B. If I didn’t go home then I would currently be living under the El tracks at the Addison stop.

Kids don’t remember squat about their material possessions when they grow up, so the don’t buy them anything nice until there are old enough to feel guilty if anything happens to it.

The “at-bat song of the week”: Today we will start with the leadoff man I would like to see batting atop the order for the North Siders — Ryan Theriot. Let’s see, what do we know about Ryan Theriot … (digging through old files) ok, here we go. Theriot like water polo and hip-hop music. Theriot also said that if he didn’t become a professional baseball player he would have pursued a career as a professional model.

Tough life for this guy right? I can’t stand people that hoard multiple talents. Get a real back-up job Ryan, like say a bus driver or unpaid journalist with a fledgling Web site. Just for that Ryan, you’re going up to bat to Maddona’s “Vogue.” You can pretend that patch of grass from the on deck cirlce to the batter’s box is a catwalk. Next time you find yourself in a jam, just hit the pitcher with “Blue Steel” and get ready to take them to dinger city.