Dave Duncan and the St. Louis Post Dispatch: A Lover’s Quarrel

If he looks awkward, it's because he's unbunching panties

Cards Catch-up Notes

FAIL!!!! Do that all you want in Boston.

Halladay or Holliday? It’s easier than it sounds

By Josh Mosley

I’ve seen things. And I knows things. And when you’ve seen things and knows things it becomes harder and harder to stand by and lets guys offs the hooks.
(New Jersey mob boss impersonation time is now over. Thanks for your indulgence.)
When St. Louis baseball fans aren’t talking about what a heaping pile of awesome Albert Pujols is, the next subject you likely want to broach is what the Cards next move should be to beef up the squad. It comes down to two names, particularly last names, that sound alike but bring different platters to the big family BBQ known as the pennant race: Halladay and Holliday. Who ya got? Well you got me telling me who’d I take. Stay tuned.

No offense, Cards fans … Seriously.

GOOD GRIEF, FRONT OFFICE!!! GOOD F-IN GRIEF!!!!

By Josh Mosley

Rather than do some sweeping summary of the previous three or four series I haven’t recapped, let me just sum up said games with a general statement: a blind man with an ace and a king right in front of him has a better chance of hitting something than the Cardinals offense. It’s really been a sad state of affairs for the St. Louis bats, who go fetal every time an opposing manager has the good sense to take the bat out of Pujols’ hands. And while I’m not a big fan of math, let’s use them to see exactly what’s not hot in the streets.

Cards/Nats Recap: Capitol Punishment

He throws high pitch counts like it's his job. I mean I guess it kind of is though...

By Josh Mosley

I like to think of myself as cautious optimist when it comes to the Cardinals. Many a time, from the time I was a young pup right on up to my young adult life, I have given them my heart and then they have let teams like the Braves and the Red Sox soil all over it Robert Kelly style
-That’s my Robert. Always peeing on people. Don’t forget her hair, Robert.
-Yes, Grandmama

So you’ll excuse me if I am a little hesitant to jump for jiz-zoy as the Cards have one of the best records in baseball after one month. It’s April, folks. If I met Adriana Lima out at a bar and she did her trademark lip pout and pity smiled at me, I wouldn’t just assume she’s going home with your boy. (I can hope, though. I think it was said in the movie “Rudy” that “dreams are what makes life tolerable.”

And I can hold out hope, too. At least for now. With that in mind, the Cards traveled to DC for four games with the Nat’s. They only got three in but took two to win the series. But that’s semantics. Let’s go to the highlights.

Thursday: You don’t poke a bear. You just don’t. Unless you want to lose valued appendages. And I like to think that Daniel Cabrera did that when he went high and in on said bear, one Albert “Not a machine” Pujols. Cabrera’s punishment: he got shamed on the next pitch as Pujols sent it over the fence for a first inning jackson, his eighth in the month of April. Still the Nattys found themselves tied at 4 in the Cards half of the ninth. My old buddy, reliever Julian Tavarez, keyed the Washington implosion though, as he walked Chris Duncan, “Slick” Rick Ankiel knocked in Duncan with a double to right field. Tavarez then walked Joe Thurston and then plunked Jason LaRue (huge ninth inning faux pas) before Tyler Greene got his first big league hit on a weak sauce dribbler that allowed Ankiel to score on an error by Nationals catcher Jesus Flores. A balk and a sac fly later, the Cards had a five run ninth and the Nats ended the game walking ten batters. Sweet relief? Not if you’re in the Nat’s bullpen. Cards win 9-4.

Friday: Usually, a good rule of thumb is to keep the ball in the field of play. I’ve found that game’s get less out of control when that happens. The Nats had a problem with that. They gave up a four dingers to the Cards, the most for them so far this season. Wellemeyer evened his record at 2-2 after going seven strong. Still it begs the question. He keeps getting these high pitch counts yet has not gotten past the seventh inning ONCE this season while his “lowest” pitch count this season is 86. I’m pretty sure his arm is one more ridiculous pitch count away from packing its shit and walking out on him Tina Turner style. There’s only so much punishment a girl can take. Cards win 6-2.

Saturday: After averaging seven runs in the previous two against the Nats, you had to think the good times would roll on in game three. Nah. 22-year-old Nat’s starter Shairon Martis (anyone got a pronunciation on that name?) pitched a five hitter and was roughed up only by the equally baby-faced Colby Rasmus with a solo shot in the seventh. It was the first complete game in the two years since Nationals Park opened. With Pujols getting the day off, Duncan took over at first. The meat of the order went a combined 1 for 11 with no RBIs in what proved to be the last game of the weekend. Nat’s win 6-1.

Hotfire player of the Series: This one goes to the outfield wall at National’s park. You provided so much entertainment for the hundreds of fans who cramped in for the three games this weekend. St. Louis hit six homers in three games and could have had more if Sunday’s game went down. This just in: the dimensions in the park are, in fact, legal major league distances and are slow pitch softball dimensions. Good to know.

Weak Sauce Player of the Series: Sunday showers in the DC area. Screw you rain. Suck failure, freak.

Next up: The defending champ Phils are in town. Which means home grown star and United Way spokesman Ryan Howard is running the streets.

I’m not an athlete, I’m much, much more.

by Andy Paschen

Listen up peoples. Do you ever watch sports and think to yourself, “Wow, that human being is a far better than me at life. Look at him: strong, athletic, talented, rich and knee deep in road beef. Why can’t I be like that?” And if you do ever think that, you know how you feel right after you think it. Like shit. Especially now that I am officially getting to the age where athletes are noticeably younger than me, like Derrick Rose per say. You’re 20! I remember being 20. I was an idiot at 20. You are awesome at 20. How did my life go so wrong?

So I decided to make a list. No, it’s not a list of pros and cons of being an athlete, nor is it a list of the athletes I would most want to be. It’s not even a bucket list of things I should do before I die to make myself feel more valuable. (Number one on that list? Grow a beard.)

Instead, I listed things I could beat athletes in. Events, competitions, tests — whatever. If it was on TV, they would watch me and think, “Wow, how does he do that?” because they would be unable to duplicate my kick ass performance.

The List:

Sammy Sosa: an English proficieny test. What’s that Sammy? You conveniently forgot how to speak English? Looks like someone won’t know when to use “might” vs. “may” or correctly place a comma. [editor’s note: Andy does not know how to correctly place a comma] Get ready to taste my subjunctive, if you even know what that word means.
Rick Ankiel: Waiting patiently. As my colleague Josh has keenly pointed out, there are many things in life that are more patient than Rick Ankiel. Josh, you can add me to the list.
Chris Carpenter: Keeping my health insurance low.
Carpneter’s medical past: 2004 – nerve problem in right bicep. 2007 – Tommy John surgery and removal of bone spurs. 2008 – compressed nerve in right shoulder. 2009 – torn left oblique muscle.
Andy’s medical past: 2006 – appendicitis. 2007 – burnt top of mouth on cheese pizza. 2008 – bronchitis, clipped fingernail too short one time. 2009 – influenza.
Have fun with a future full of crippling arm pain and outrageous premiums, Carp.
Miguel Tejada: A Polygraph. Miguel wouldn’t even get past the the control questions. “Is your name Miguel Tejada?” “Uhhh … si.” WRONG! It’s Tejeda. Andy 1, Miguel 0.
Prince Fielder: A day-long fast. I would win by breakfast.
Mike Fontenot: Reaching things on the top shelf competition. Mike Fontenot is 5’8″. Yeah, is his BRA! (Hmmm, that Liar Liar quote doesn’t really apply) But seriously, that man would look up to me when we finished our battle for the cookies mom put on the top shelf. Literally. I’m 5’10” (5’11” with shoes! 6’0″ in heels!) so he would have to look up  to me.
Chad Gaudin: Not looking like crap.

That’s gross.
Chris Duncan: Fielding the outfield. The man can’t field. I know he’s a major league baseball player, but I swear to Allah (just covering all of my bases here) that I can take a better path to a fly ball than him. The man looks like he’s drunk out there.
The Pittsburgh Pirates: ESPN’s Who’s Now? Unless the Pirates can continue pitching at a rate of 4 shutouts every 13 games, I’m going to still be way more “Now” than the Buccos. My “Now” is rising, I swear.
Carlos Zambrano: Sitting quietly by myself. The man gets IVs full of Red Bull mixed with Elephant testosterone. Can you imagine the amount of Ambien that man has to take to even himself out to sleep? Also, I would clearly win in a “Not looking like I’m registered on Megan’s Law” competition. Hey Carlos, mind if you babysit my little cousins in your creepy van for the night? Yeah, you probably wouldn’t, pederast.
Tony LaRussa: A field sobriety test. Let a fan from “one of the classiest fan bases in the world” help me with the visual:

It’s a good thing he didn’t set an example for acceptable behavior for any of his players, otherwise things could have really gotten ugly.
Joel Zumaya, Detroit Tigers: Guitar Hero. Not only could I absolutely out-shred Zumaya (he does not want any of this! “Killing in the name” by Rage, “Wind Cries Mary” by Jimi, “Lay Down” by Priestess — the man would get wrecked) but I haven’t sustained serious bodily injury from playing hours at a time (and trust me, I’ve played hours at a time).
Sam Cassell: Looking like a human being-a-thon. Exhibit A. Ladies and gentleman, I rest my case.
Brett Myers: Not punching women. Though if a woman created that $5 footlong song, we will soon be tied.

So I say to you folks, try to think of your own things that you are better at than the myriad of rich ans successful professional athletes. Then sit with your smug sense of self-satisfaction and try not to think about what kind of European luxury sedan they are driving at that very moment. It’s probably a Mercedes. Damn.

Cubs Series Recap vs. Cardinals: Where no lead is safe

by Andy Paschen

Lot of late inning heroics here by both teams, but fortunately for this guy (two thumbs right here!) the Cubs eeked out more wins than losses in the series. Let’s jump into the nitty gritty.

Cubs win the series (technically it was a four game series, but mother Earth decided to change it to three): L-W-W
Cubs Series Record: 3-0-1 (7-4 overall)

Notes:

• What Milton Bradley game was Milton Bradley? Thursday: Operation. Home plate umpire Larry Vanover tried to delicately call Bradley out on strikes when he pinch hit in the 7th. But Vanover must have touched the side when trying to remove Bradley’s angry bone, because the call sent Uncle Milty into a fury, and he huffed and puffed until Vanover kindly asked him to leave the game via ejecxt message.

• Coming to Barnes and Noble near you: Derrek Lee and the Deathly Fastballs. In the bottom of the ninth on Saturday against Ryan Franklin, Franklin threw fastball after fastball after fastball in Lee’s AB. Derrek Lee in 2005 would have ended the game then and there, but 2009 Derrek Lee wasn’t fast enough to turn on the 88-92 mph offerings Franklin was serving up with no 2nd pitch. Derrek Lee and Carlos Zambrano (there will be a post about this later in the week), your suns look to be beginning to set.

• “You just made the biggest mistake of your life.” — Alfonso Soriano’s arm is  In the top of the 10th on Saturday Fonzi doubled up Chris Duncan at second with a lightning fast throw. It’s a good thing Duncan can hit, because he is just useless as a baseball player otherwise. And say what you will about Soriano’s outfield play, but do not test the man’s arm. Unless you want to have a post on FAIL blog.

• The Cubs were lucky to take two of three in the series. But the Cardinals were lucky not to get swept. Confused? The games this weekend we so close that really either team could have swept or gotten swept. Furthermore, the Cubs and Cardinals look like mirror images of each other: good hitting lineups that sock a lot of dingers, good starting pitching and not so good relief.

Bullpen Grade:
Thursday: D. Aaron Heilman blew the lead first, then David Patton promptly failed to keep the game tied for a combine line of 1.2 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, 2 BB. Angel Guzman (El Pobrecito!) got tagged for a run in the 8th to quell and hope of a comeback.
Friday: A. Aaron Heilman did his job. Carlos Marmol made it interesting, but both of them left the game unscathed. Marmol closed the game out. Me thinks Piniella was scared of Kevin Gregg vs. Pujols with the game on the line.
Saturday: B+. Yes, Marmol did give up the lead when Yadier Molina raked a double down the line with a man on second in the 8th inning, but 5 innings of one-run ball against your hated rival with a number of big bats is worth a higher grade. Plus, the gutsy two inning outing by Kevin Gregg was his best outing of the year thus far.

Bullpen season GPA: 2.9 (B/B-) in 11 games. Thursday’s debacle cost the team any chance to make the deans list for the season.

Thursday’s Goat: David Patton. Walks’ll get ya, and Patton’s two base-on-balls lead to the winning runs crossing home plate for the Dirty Birds.
Friday’s Hero: Alfonso Soriano love going 0-3 with 3 Ks and then socking the go ahead dinger.
Saturday’s Hero: Aramis Ramirez was 0-5 coming into the 11th. But 1-6 with the game winner means he wears the hero’s crown.
Sunday’s Goat: Tlaloc, the Aztec rain god. Sunday night’s prime time game was washed out, ruthless punishment handed down from the mighty Tlaloc due to the recent lack of human sacrifice on his altar. Might I suggest an offering?

Hero/Goat season leaders:
Hero Squad: Finally, the logjam atop my subjective MVP calculator has been cleared. Soriano for MVP! – 2
Fontenot, Fukudome, Johnson, Lilly,  Zambrano, Ramirez – 1
Goat Bastards: Still, I’m surprised that no one has stepped up to claim top spot in the LVP race. Neifi Perez would have locked this thing up last week. Bradley, Cotts, Fontenot, Gregg, Harden, Patton – 1

On Tap: Cincinnati (6-5) comes to town on Tuesday.

Cards/Diamondbacks Recap: Where runs were handed out like condoms at prom

Yay!!! I did something right!!!!

By Josh Mosley

Season record: 7-3
Series record: 2-0-1

Like a 7-year old momma’s boy, the Cardinals had to leave the friendly confines of Busch Stadium. First stop on the seven game road trip is to the lovely state of Arizona where the sun is out and a gang bang with the local Tempe 12 girls goes to the winner. Not really but how sweet would that be. It would be fake tans and bleach blond hair EVERYWHERE.

Monday: After a craptacular opening start against the Pirates, Todd Wellemayer sacked up and went seven innings letting up just one run and striking out four. Sensible shoes Dave Duncan and Tony La Russa kept his pitch count down to 87 throws while Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes and Ryan Franklin used a little concept called TEAMWORK to hold off the D-Backs. Offensively, the Cards lived and died by the long ball, getting solo home runs from Albert Pujols (man that guy’s pretty good) and Brian “Beg Your Pardon” Barden (copyrights and patents still pending for the nickname “Beg Your Pardon” Barden). It was his first major league dinger and was the game winner. Cards win 2-1.

Tuesday: St. Louis jumped out to a 3-0 lead in the fourth inning on base knocks from Chris Duncan and Yadier Molina respectively. But the D’s fought BACK if you will. I’m so clever sometimes it makes me ill. Literally, my keyboard is a sight to behold right now. Arizona plated at least two runs in innings 5-8 to actually pull ahead 6-5 in the eighth inning. Pujols tied it with an RBI one-bagger in the top of the ninth to tie it up. You’d think Eric Byrnes, in the midst of a 1-for-17 slump, would just screw the pooch and not be the hero but he was. D-Backs win 7-6 in 10 innings.

Side note: The real story from this game is that Chris Carpenter’s ribs decided to act like twat waffles and force him out of the game in the fourth inning. SO it wasn’t the elbow that put him back on the shelf. But his RIBS?!?!?!?! REALLY, UNIVERSE?!?!?! This could be a problem.

Wednesday: Afternoon delight time. Joel Piniero moved to 2-0 for the season while getting oodles of run support from his friends. Molina drove in two runs in the first three innings, helping the Birds jump out to a 6-0 lead. Arizona scored four in the third inning to pull to within 2 but that’s about as far the Cards would let it get as they plated a season-high 12 runs. Cards win 12-7.

Hot Fire Player of the Series:I’m going to give this one to Chris Duncan, outfielder and resident tobacco fiend. I never thought I would actually be in a position to give Duncan a compliment again but he is experiencing a mild resurgence early this season. He went 5-for-12 with four RBI’s in the Birds stop in the desert. Dare I suggest that better days are to come for Duncan. HELLZ NO!!!! That would be neglecting his previous ineptitude in the field, at the plate and in life in general. So to that end, let him have his moment in the sun with a wad of chew on his gum. Totally meant to rhyme there.

Weak Sauce Player of the Series:This is going out not to a player but a part of a players anatomy. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses and up for Chris Carpenter’s ribs.It’s not like he even hurt himself throwing strikes. He messed up his ribs swinging the bat, something he’s asked to do maybe three times every five days. And now because of it, he’s back on the shelf for “four to eight weeks.” I’m talking to you Cards trainers. If he gets back at any time after eight weeks then I will use quotes around any ensuing Cardinals injuries just to show how worthless you guys are.

Next up: Like I really need to talk about this one. The Cards are headed up to Wrigley for four games with the Cubs. Watch out for a preview tomorrow.

Cards/Astros Recap: Houston got Busch-wacked

By Josh Mosley

Cards: W-W-W
Series record: 1-0-1

For all the griping I did about the Birds squeaking out a series split against the Pirates earlier this week, you’ll have to excuse me if I find little wrong with this set. The series sandwiched some robust offense with two efficient pitching performances that pushed the Birds to 5-2 on the season. Let’s get to the games.

Friday: Houston’s bats were alive and kicking pounding out 11 hits but only getting three runs. Meanwhile, St. Louis got six runs on five hits and tagged ‘Stros starter Mike Hampton for three runs in the first three innings. Joel P did his best Kyle Orton impression as he managed the Birds through 6 and 2/3 innings. And just when you thought Jason Motte might come in and defecate all over a close game, La Russa gave him the yank for Kyle McClellan, who locked down the game in five pitches. Cards win 5-3.

Saturday: I have to ask Roy Oswalt something. You came into the league the same year as Albert Pujols. You’ve played him at least ten times a year for the past eight seasons. You know the guy. So please explain why, with the the bases crammed, you hurled one right down Broadway. Then the next time up, you had two strikes and went back to the same pitch as the out pitch. You know what those two pitches got you? A touchdown for the other team. Pujols hit a grand slam and a three-run jackson and three Cards relievers combined to shut down the game after Wainwright threw 102 pitches in just five innings. Cards win 11-2.

Sunday: There must have been a one day wet piece clinic going on at Busch on Sunday because clearly Kyle Lohse was the moderator. Throwing a man-sized 112 pitches and retiring 24 straight at one point, Lohse threw the fifth complete game of his career and got run support from Khalil Greene, Chris Duncan and Ryan Ludwick. Book closed. Series closed. Cards win 3-0.

Hot Fire Player of the series: Albert Pujols clearly had no equals in this series when he came to the dish. Most of his damage came on Saturday as he tied a career-best seven RBI’s and his 24th career multi-home run game. It was sort of a ridiculous week even for his standards so I have to give him his just due. Let’s see if he can save some of that when the Cards go up to Wrigley on Thursday.

Weak Sauce Player of the series: Miguel Tejada didn’t eat his man Wheaties before suiting up on Friday. His particulars for the series: 0 for 11 with eight men left on base, six of which stayed put in the Saturday game. You might find it callous but I’m not feeling too bad for a guy who just got put on probation for perjury and is on the downside of his career. But seeing as he was one of the best players in the majors some five years ago, this is a noteworthy development. It’s early though. So hopefully he can be on the up and up.

Red Flag: Houston’s bad start:The Astros are off to a 1-5 start this season. Some might find this shocking with their sterling 11-18-3 record in the spring but things are not right in H-town. The pitching hasn’t been there and with a team heavy on experience but not so much on fresh legs, you got to wonder how Cecil Cooper is going to adjust and turn this one around before it gets out of control.

Next up: The Cards travel to the desert for three-games with the Diamondbacks while Houston goes up to the Steel City to take on Pittsburgh.

Cardinals/Pirates recap: a trick or treat bag with equal parts candy and razor blades

Sweet, huh?

By Josh Mosley

Four games down, 158 to go and I just have one thing to say: “Eh with a side of a prolonged and exaggerated sigh.” One thing that became abundantly clear after watching these games is that the Pirates are not as monumentally bad as they have been in past years. Top draft picks will do that for you. But absolutely no way in Hades should this series have been a split. This goes beyond the bland “STL is just a better team than Pittsburgh because at this point I can’t even make that statement.” A few observations before I break down each game.

-The Pirates don’t roll over and play dead like a chick who just got a bad diddling, anymore. With the exception of coming from behind to win in the opener, they never played as if they were SOL in any of these games. They got heart, folks. And that could be beneficial in the dog days of summer.

-Offense was the name of the game in this series. It was either who struck big early or who struck last. Pittsburgh struck last on Monday and struck big Chris Brown style on Wednesday. The Cards struck big early on Tuesday and struck last in a nail biter in the series finale on Thursday. At least Cardinals fans can take solace in the fact that this team can score runs.

-Off baseball for a minute, but the only way I knew that it was baseball season this week is that I kept being told so by the media. Walking outside, I could have sworn it was the middle of the recently concluded college basketball season. Really, Mother Nature? Get your shit together. All we ask of you is to not fall apart and give us nice weather when the season’s change. Do your job.

Monday: Pirates score. Cards go-ahead in eighth. Isringhausen, sorry Jason Motte, blows it in the ninth. Pirates win 6-4. You don’t call your new girl by your old girls name, you can’t smoke weed during a job hunt and you can’t plunk a batter with runners in scoring position in the ninth friggin’ inning. Motte did that I am sure that’s what took the wind out of the Cards sails.

Tuesday: Dingers from Chris Duncan and Albert Pujols was a sight right out of 2006. And at least for the time being, Kyle Lohse looked as though he had no intent of dropping the ball on that big fat contract extension he got. Cards win 9-3.

Wednesday: Same story. Different team. Bucs get the bats going early and St. Louis really has no response. You have to like the Pirates ability to sustain leads, even if it is game three, week one. Pirates win 7-4.

Thursday: Carpenter (see more below) went seven innings of one hit ball. Halle-flippin’-lujah. He might not be “back” but he seems like he could be on his way. Fingers crossed. Cards win 2-1.

The story of this series could have easily ended up being the Bucs Jack Wilson and Pujols. Pujols was his usual self (.500 with a home run and a 2 RBI’s). Wilson batted .444 for the series and knocked in the go-ahead run in the opener.

But Carpenter gets nod here. Let’s be real here: he hadn’t won a regular season game in over 30 months and not a game period since Game One of the 2006 World Series. So how does he come out: SWINGING. Seven strong, one run, one hit, seven K’s. And millions of unclenched colons in Cardinal nation. Not bad.

Season record: 2-2
Series record: 0-0-1